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Jewish World Review
March 2, 2006
/ 2 Adar, 5766
Did Ronald Reagan destroy the Olympics?
Remember the good old days when we used to hate the USSR, East Germany, and the rest of the Soviet Bloc? We used to rivet ourselves to the tube whenever our boys and girls were shushing down red infested alps or slamming frozen pucks into well guarded Soviet Gulags called nets. We loved to hate those cheatin', evil bastards! The blood doping, masculine hormoned East German swimmers, judge fixing, the gold medal basketball game played until the game was stolen for the Russians AFTER we won?
When we sent a bunch of college hockey kids against the pros from the Soviet Union in 1980, there was almost no hope of even a good showing. We would have been thrilled with a 5 goal margin of defeat. Instead we witnessed the miracle on ice, possibly the most thrilling American Sports underdog victory in our history. Americans watched and went crazy!
YOU CAN'T MAKE BREAD WITHOUT
GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN
All that is gone. We love the Russians and the rest of the Eastern Bloc. Heck, the best of them are making zillions in the NBA and NHL. We're more inclined to hate our old friends the French and the Germans.
Let's face it America, if we're to make the supreme sacrifice and risk the stress of finding our remotes, MUCH LESS CHANGING THE CHANNEL TO THE OLYMPICS, we need somebody to despise on the other side of the ice, court, track, etc,.
I heard the crack execs at NBC have caught wind of this. They have sent Bryant "No One Left to Insult" Gumbel to the caves and spider holes lining the borders of Afghanistan and Pakistan. He met with that amazing sportsman, Iranian President, Ahm'mad. Together they've developed an Olympic program that will titillate even the laziest couch potato of us all. We'll sit up and remote our way into the now most hated rivalry, the USA VS al-Qaeda. Negotiations are ongoing, but I hear these are some of the events they've settled on.
Monkey Bar Dash — Must be weighted with 50 lbs. of razor and ball bearing filled suicide vests. Elimination occurs when bomb detonates if you fall before the finish.
The Cartoonist Marathon Chase — No explanation offered…or asked for.
Israeli Discus Throw — Just how far can one throw the average Jew? This should be an Iranian specialty, since their goal is Austria. Wonder if they'll train on Christians to build up their motivation.
Bombsled — Explosive filled toboggans leading to important Muslim and Western buildings with judges giving points for quantity and quality of deaths and patterns of maiming.
Cross Country — How many Christian churches can you blow up in a 5 mile race?
Virgin high jump — Pile 'em high, if you can find any left after all the martyrs have taken theirs.
Freestyle Hijacking — Standardized box cutters used only. Bonus points for 747's and bigger. Must take down at least a 50 story skyscraper to qualify.
Molotov Cocktail Archery — A bone thrown to the old USSR to bring back that reminder of our earlier hatreds.
Jewdo — The ancient art of wrestling Hebrews out of your country, another primeval Muslim specialty. Points are won if you can convince the world that it's Israel that has conquered the world, while preventing them from actually looking at a map.
Blood Curling — Forget that sissy ice shuffle board. This is the test of the viewers of al-Qaeda works and achievements, specializing in beheadings. Last one to flinch, turn eyes, or puke wins the gold.
IED Relay — Planting your bomb while passing the detonator to the next terrorist…I mean competitor. First place gets to blow up the slackers.
Canoeing — Finally throwing a bone to common knowledge, giving the West some advantage. After all, everyone knows that boats may tip, but Jews don't. However, the UAE is strong at port entries.
While negotiations are ongoing, I think that NBC is well on its way in its Olympic ratings battle with the likes of American Idol. I mean how despicable can Simon Crowell be?
The change of name to the al-Qaedolympics is being heavily resisted. Bin Laden is holding Gumbel as hostage…if anyone cares.
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JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.
© 2005, Dave Weinbaum