Jewish World Review
Feb. 14, 2006
/ 16 Shevat, 5766
If you don't have a leg to stand on, you can't put your foot down
I've had enough! I give up! Some publishers have refused a few of my columns because they're afraid of losing liberals. So, like Superman, I've gone behind the radioactive ice shield, put the green glowing pipe into the left frozen clear tube, and have dredged out all conservative thought, weakening me beyond recognition.
Vacuums crave to be filled. So in my shallow quest to see my name in print, I will now slip on my liberal cape and destroy those evil right wingers. As best as I can discern, below are some of the Libthought I need to fill my now vacant head with:
1. Bush stole two elections from us. We need take the power back, anyway we can.
2. Bush is so stupid it's amazing he can get dressed by himself in the morning.
3. If we can only undermine Bush in time of war, we'll win the next congressional elections.
4. If we do the above, we can impeach Bush in '07.
5. If we can only have a DNC head that can bash Bush more than Dean, we'll raise all sorts of cash to beat Bush in '08. Calling him evil, stupid and the cause of 9/11 DO NOT GO FAR ENOUGH!
6. If we can control the Judicial Branch by filibustering conservative Bush appointees to the Supreme Court, we'll become overwhelmingly popular with the American People.
7. Even if #6 doesn't hold up, when we beat Bush in '08, Hillary will appoint so many Liberal judges; we'll never have to win an election again.
8. Bush is so stupid he doesn't know that abortion is a good thing, even the partial birth kind.
9. How can that dumb chimp Bush not know that the Abramoff scandal is REPUBLICAN? I mean, didn't Harry Reid say so?
10. Bush tricked every single Democrat in the Senate and House that voted to back him on invading Iraq. They only voted that way and said those things because that dumb ape lied to us about WMDS!
A friend of mine came up to me and said, "You talk different. Didn't you used to be a conservative?"
I said yeah then told him about standing behind the Superman shield and having all my rightwing thoughts eradicated. He asked if it was painful to have all that radiation pumping through my body. I replied no. Then he asked if it wasn't excruciating to get into those superman tights. I said a little, but the cape was fabulous. Then he asked what WAS the most painful thing about the transference. Without hesitation, I said, it was when the conservative killing rays removed 80% of my ability to reason.
JUST WHEN THE WORLD IS IN THE PALMS OF YOUR HANDS, YOUR NOSE BEGINS TO ITCH
Damn my conscious, damn my sense of fair play, damn my ability to see further than my own nose, damn my heart going out to the holocaust of aborted lives, damn my craving to have the USA win it's war against vicious and evil terrorists, damn my love for the men and women that committed the ultimate sacrifice to preserve our freedom.
Like Superman…and Bush, I tricked you. The shield I used protected my traditional conservative thoughts while deliberalizing those in the crowd so inclined.
If only it was that easy…
IF YOU STOP MAKING HAY, IT COULD BE THE LAST STRAW
My ONLY concession is; I pledge to be super sensitive to anything bad a conservative does and loudly praise anything a Lib does right, or even medium.
Does Lieberman count?
I don't believe editors are thinking straight when they knock my columns because they induce batches of responses. Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity aren't the most listened to talk radio hosts because of conservatives. Many on the Left are dialed in daily. Of course, the lefties won't admit this, but ratings don't lie. Even the southpaws won't turn their dials to the empty diatribes of Al Franken.
Since, thank G-d, I don't make my living as a writer, I will opine what I cogitate, irregardless of what publishers think, knowing full well that they may or may not publish me.
There ARE other venues, you know.
ALL COMPLAINTS AND SUGGESTIONS GO TO HELEN WAITE
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JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.
© 2005, Dave Weinbaum