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Jewish World Review
Feb. 13, 2007
/ 25 Shevat, 5767
Congressional hacks backing non-binding, anti-war resolutions are on to something. What a way to make a point! Some might say they're clueless, hypocritical, and in cahoots with the enemy. I'd say they have maintained their political cloak by hiding behind each other's back. If you show no neck, you can't get it stretched out to be chopped off. As they say in the Guinness beer commercials…BRILLIANT!
It got me to thinking about how unfettered our lives could be, sans all those strict laws of man and nature.
Skis. Talk about freeing oneself! Think of the adventure of zipping down the expert slopes at Vail, having your newly waxed fiberglass protrusions flying off in different directions in the middle of your 90 mph. run. What a hero you'll be when you slam bottom….dead or alive.
Intestines. Think of life beyond constipation. Grouchiness would be relegated to overexposure to teenagers. Of course, for those in a hurry to drive from Houston to Orlando to "discuss" a mutual boyfriend, this could add a bit more dependence on Depends.
˘ Vasectomies. Having experienced this painful self intrusion on my man hood; I can imagine a slip of a tissue reconnecting my fertility. My life is now exceedingly exciting with anticipation. My wife and I tried the rhythm method, but she found out I was a deadbeat. We named our baby Sue Prize.
Elections. How easy to get rid of our poor choices if elections are just suggestions. Bye bye, Bush, Pelosi, Hagel, Kennedy, Kerry, Reid… Who needs messy impeachment proceedings? Just take a poll, anytime after the election and kick the bums out. But first invest in moving companies in and around DC.
School. My teenage daughter would LOVE this. School options should go along with her career choice of being an invisible ink writer of non-binding romance novels.
Stitches. Scars are natural and could help with Homeland Security. Of course they'll only suggest armed terrorists stay off the planes.
Pre-nups. Instead of The Donald unloading his wives and throwing a shekel at them, while shipping 'em back to their hometowns, he'd have to quiver about more than non-binding skis on his runs down the Rockies. Could be another future Depends customer.
War on Terror. Hey, what's a couple of buildings and planes full of innocent Americans murdered in one bloody day? Why, we should be grateful there wasn't a nuke! After all, there were ONLY 3,000 killed, plus the families they left behind to suffer. A small price to pay for a war that should end. Like Baker, and his group, "can't we just talk to them?" Forget about Osama's Fatwah to kill all Americans, Jews and their allies. He doesn't REALLY mean it.
This Congress will be known as the "Can't we just all get along?" gang. We don't need those scary commitments to secure our way of life amongst those that want to kill us. I mean we don't want to hurt anyone. We want them to like us! They don't mean to kill us. It just HAS to be our fault! Once we apologize for our existence, they'll forgive us and stop murdering us. Then we can pull out the troops and eliminate the armed forces. Why should that group be bound to serve? We won't need them!
I feel so safe that this Congress is governing; I'm planning a ski trip. You'll know me by my singing of Kum Ba Yah as I fly ski-less and clueless down the mountain. I'll end it with a Howie Dean scream as I fly parachute less to the bottom. EEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Honey, please take care of Sue Prize! I'll be tied up for a while.
Damn those binding casts!!!
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JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.
© 2005, Dave Weinbaum