 |
|
December 2, 2014
The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology
John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain
The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious
April 14, 2014
Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time
Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic
Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships
Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin
Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate
Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure
April 11, 2014
Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden
Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does
Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer
Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You
April 9, 2014
Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?
Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau
Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau
Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease
April 8, 2014
Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease
Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear
April 4, 2014
Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children
John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet
John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds
Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves
April 2, 2014
Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?
Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities
Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene
|
| |
Jewish World Review
January 25, 2008
/ 18 Shevat 5768
IF I WERE A POLL MAN…
By
Dave Weinbaum
| 
|
|
|
|
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
I've decided to go into the polling business. How hard can it be? Can you get any more inaccurate than the results recently predicted by polls from the current survey establishment? And whether right or wrong, you get to charge for your services.
Cha-Ching!
I'm not going to ask the obvious, either. Questions like; do you believe Ron Paul's many years as a gynecologist has caused him tunnel vision regarding foreign policy? Is Bill Clinton going to leave yet more stains in the White House in an unprecedented third term?
I'm gonna ask deep and abstract questions that'll need a team of psychoanalysts to decipher. And I've taken the liberty of departmentalizing them so that YOUR tax dollars, not my pocketbook pays for the surveys.
Isn't that the American way?
Here's my first attempt at finding out what the American electorate are thinking:
It's my poll and I'll ask what I want to, ask what I want to, ask what I want to…
1. From the US Geological Survey: Are you incontinent if you can't name major land masses?
2. From the State Department: Should Cannibals eat the hands that feed them?
3. From the Humane Society and the Better Business Bureau: If you buy a cat for half price does it come with only 4&1/2 lives?
4. From the Highway Department: If a truck is big enough, why do they call it a "semi?" Just how big does a truck have to be to be called a finalist?
5. From the IRS: Is there no success congress leaves unpunished?
6. From the religious right: If a baker marries his first cousin, is he inbred twice?
7. From National Parks and Forests: Do man-made lures work better on government made lakes?
8. From Social Services: Why do papers put marriage announcements next to the obituaries?
9. From the FDA: Should you fry or poach rooster eggs?
10. From Health and Human Resources: Has anyone ever seen a cute bronchitis?
Hey, I've even put this to song! Instead of "Music Man," I'm sure there's a place in the entertainment industry for "Polling Man."
It's sung to Fiddler on The Roof's "If I Were a Rich Man". C'mon, everybody…at the count of three! One, two, one, two, THREE!
If I were a poll man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a polling man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy smart,
Yidle-diddle-didle-polling man.
I'd build a big tall list with questions by the dozen,
right in the middle of the vote.
Another one even longer, just for media.
I'd fill my blog with chicks, and pundits, and geeks,
For foolish sophistry, just to show how intelligent I can be.
And each turned phrase, little jab, pun and poke
would land on each moron with a vote,
As if to say "Here lives a polling man" Dada dum DADUUUUUM…….(3 second pause)
I see my wife, my Joni, looking like a smart man's wife
with a clipboard and a scowl.
Supervising polls to her hearts delight.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood she's in.
Screaming at the pundits day and night. Ya dada dadum….(3 second pause)
The most important men in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wiseman.
"If you please, Mr. Weinbaum..."
"Pardon me, Mr. Weinbaum..."
Posing problems that would cross Newt Gingrich eyes!
If I were a poll man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a polling man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy smart,
Yidle- diddle- didle- polling man.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.
Archives
© 2005, Dave Weinbaum
|
|
Columnists
Toons
Lifestyles
|
