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In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review January 2, 2009 / 6 Teves 5769

The way to a warlord's heart is a little lower than his belly

By Dave Weinbaum

Printer Friendly Version
Email this article | A 60 year old Afghan Tribal Chief, Idongetnon, a pharmacist, Manny Stiffrods, and a CIA operative, Urali Donomi, are sitting in an opium den in the warlord's village. The Afghani smells of camel dung. His clothes are tattered and stained, turban unraveling. The old man's look is tired, frustrated, and droopy.

Donomi asks Idongetnon, "So how are the wives?" Chief: "Oy Vey! Not so good…I'm sleeping with the camels instead of schtupping my four brides. It's becoming too much to please one, much less four. I'm going meshuganah ! Worse they have me talking Yiddish! I've cancelled two meetings with Zawahiri and one with Osama until my speech is under control. To put it mildly, I need a change! I need hope! Vere's the putz with my cheesecake? My espresso is cold! I need a hug." Stiffrods, putting little blue pills in the chief's hand says, "Hope is on the way!"

Viagra Diplomacy (VD) is born !

Oh get over it! VD can stand for TWO things….although as Steven Wright has noted, "Twenty-four hours in a day, 24 cans of beer in a case…coincidence?"

Next week, back at the den, the warlord, huge grin radiating from his face, trimmed beard, clean fresh smelling cloths and turban, with a spring in his step, and a sparkle in his eye, exudes confidence and fulfillment. When asked how he's doing, he reveals he takes a Viagra first thing every morning. He's now an early riser. No more slipping into Yiddish for him! He's focused on keeping up with his four young brides.

Stiffrods holds out a huge bag of the little blue pills and as Idongetnon excitedly reaches for them the Pfizer rep pulls back.

Donomi says, "We saved your honor with the villagers. Also, it's apparent that you are living in erotic bliss with your wives. We need something in return. Can we get a little shout out about al-Qaeda and the Taliban?"

"Not only will I give up their supply routes, I'll tell you their secret watering holes," responded the chief, desperate to keep his performance "sizeable."

The secret to marital bliss is to keep the wives that hate you away from the ones that aren't sure.

What is it that makes VD so effective?

  • As Tony Harnden points out, cash is used to buy gaudy stuff. A new Rolls sitting outside a chieftain's tent just might be a dead give away to his traitorous acts.

  • Other than fathering many children in old age, the blue pills are untraceable.

  • Terrorists are focused on their own wives, plus dodging the bombs of the ever increasing attacks as they jump from cave to cave.

Again I illustrate with song:

To the tune of "Love Potion number 9" By Tygers of Pan Tang

I took my troubles to the CIA
They said I had to pay to play.
Had more sex than I could do
He sent a man with pills of blue

I told him 'bout my impotence
I didn't want his dollars and cents.
He felt my karma gave me a look
Said I'll give you hope get you off the hook

I took a pill washed it down with tea
Wives couldn't get enough of me
I was like a bull in heat
As a man I was now complete

So when they come to town with another stash of pills
I tell them what they want then they…head for the hills.
So when they come to town with another stash of pills.
I tell them what they want then they…head for the hills
head for the hills…head for the hills… (fade)

One disclaimer: you have to be careful with the blue pills. Idongetnon's dog got into his stash of Viagra. At least he's stopped chasing his own tail.

Finally, the CIA's come up something BIG !

Besides, maybe it'll do something for my sagging Pfizer stock.

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JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.


© 2005, Dave Weinbaum