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December 2, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Dec. 18, 2006 / 20 Kislev, 5767

Rooting for the midgets of the Midway

By Dave Barry


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | It's late fall, and I'm watching my son play football.


Well, OK, he's not technically PLAYING. He's on the sidelines, No. 85, standing near the coach, looking alert, hoping the coach will notice him and send him in. I'm not so sure this is a good idea, because the other team's players are extremely large. They're supposed to be junior-high students, but if they are, they apparently started junior high later in life, after having played a number of years for the Chicago Bears. They look EXTREMELY mature. You can actually see their beards growing. They probably have to shave in the huddle. In stark contrast, my son's team, the Raiders, consists of normal-size 7th-and 8th-grade boys, except for player No. 9, Nicole, who is a girl. From a distance, with their helmets and shoulder pads on, the Raiders look big enough, but this illusion is shattered when you see them up close, or when one of their moms walks past, towering over them.


For some reason the Raiders' opponents are always larger. Also they seem more aggressive. They punch each other a lot and spit and sneer and probably eat live chickens on the team bus. Also they're always gathering together and emitting loud, menacing, unintelligible football roars; whereas the Raiders tend to chat. The Raiders are a more laid-back group. Sometimes they TRY to make a menacing football roar, but it comes out sounding halfhearted, like a group throat-clearing.


This is the Raiders' sixth game. So far they've won one; that victory was sealed when the opposing team, in what has proved to be the Raiders' season highlight so far, failed to show up. The Raiders lost all the other games, in large part because - at least this is how I analyze the situation, from a strictly technical standpoint - they have not scored any points. None.


Usually, when the Raiders have the ball, giant live-chicken-eating Chicago Bears knock them down and take it away. Whereas when the opponents have the ball, they give it to some enormous player who cannot possibly be in junior high school because any given one of his calves is LARGER than a junior high school. This player lumbers toward the plucky Raider defenders, who leap up and latch on to him, one after the other, until the runner is lumbering down the field with what appears to be the entire Raiders defensive unit clinging desperately to his body, the whole group looking like some bizarre alien space creature with many extra heads and arms and legs and two really huge calves.

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On the sidelines, we grownups yell helpful advice.


"Tackle him!" a Raiders coach shouts. "Somebody tackle him! OK? OK? Please?"


"Bite his ankles!" a mom shouts.


Inevitably, the Chicago Bears score a touchdown, causing us Raiders parents to groan. The Raiders cheerleaders, however, remain undaunted. They have a cheer for just this situation. It goes (I am not making this cheer up):


"They made a touchdown!


"But it's all right!"


The Raiders cheerleaders remain perky and upbeat no matter what happens in the game. This may be because they wisely refuse to look at the game. They face us parents, going through their routines, happy in their own totally separate cheerleading world. A plane could crash on the field and they might not notice, and even if they did, I bet it wouldn't seriously impact their perkiness. ("A plane crashed on the field! But it's all right!")


Of course, they have good reason to be cheerful. They're in no danger of being converted into gridiron roadkill by the Chicago Bears. My son, on the other hand, is….


MY SON IS GOING INTO THE GAME.


The coach is telling him something; I hope it's good advice (such as, "Tennis is a much safer sport"). And now No. 85 is trotting onto the field; and now he's taking his position on the Raiders defensive line; and now both teams are lined up; and now my son is crouching down in his stance, ready to spring forward, and….


THERE HE GOES! GET 'EM, ROB!! STICK YOUR HELMET COMPLETELY THROUGH SOME BIG FAT CHICAGO BEAR'S BODY AND OUT THE OTHER SIDE!! YES!! WAY TO GO!! WAY TO POUNCE!! WAY TO BE….


Offsides. Whoops.


OK, so he was a little overeager. But he did fine after that, as far as I could tell, lunging around out there just like everybody else and managing to go four full plays without once losing an important limb or organ. Another positive note was that Nicole got into the game and was actually sort of involved in a tackle, a feat that earned her some major high-fives when she returned to the bench.


But that was pretty much the highlight for the Raiders, who became increasingly resigned and philosophical as it became clear that they were going to lose yet again. Meanwhile, the Chicago Bears, feeling smug, were punching each other and emitting fierce victory grunts.


"I BET OUR SAT SCORES ARE HIGHER," I wanted to yell, but, of course, I did not, as I generally prefer not to have my head stomped into pudding.


Finally the game ended, and even though the Raiders again failed to score any points, we parents were tremendously proud of their efforts. We clapped and cheered with pride as they trotted off the field.


They think we're crazy.

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Previously:

Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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