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April 21, 2014

Andrew Silow-Carroll: Passoverkill? Suggestions to make next year's seders even more culturally sensitive

Sara Israelsen Hartley: Seeking the Divine: An ancient connection in a new context

Christine M. Flowers: Priest's execution in Syria should be call to action

Courtnie Erickson: How to help kids accept the poor decisions of others

Lizette Borreli: A Glass Of Milk A Day Keeps Knee Arthritis At Bay

Lizette Borreli: 5 Health Conditions Your Breath Knows Before You Do

The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom Coconut Walnut Bars' golden brown morsels are a beautifully balanced delectable delight

April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Dec. 14, 2009 / 27 Kislev 5770

Sanity, Now Departing

By Dave Barry





http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | We set out from Miami early, two adults and a 2-year-old, bound for Salt Lake City. In a sense, we were following the Mormon pioneers, who trekked to Utah on foot, trudging 1,300 brutal miles over harsh terrain. They had it easy. We had to take a connecting flight through Dallas.


Even on a good day, the Dallas-Fort Worth airport is not traveler-friendly. It was apparently built on top of a warp in the space-time continuum, so no matter what gate you arrive at, you're at least six miles from your departure gate. There is a tram system, but veteran travelers don't use it, because it moves at the speed of a water buffalo passing through the digestive system of a python. Amelia Earhart is on there somewhere. So as I say, this airport is not convenient on a good day. But we did not arrive on a good day. We arrived when something incredible was happening, something so astounding, so extraordinary, so totally unpredictable that nobody--certainly nobody operating an airport--could possibly have anticipated it: snow. In winter! What are the odds? Fortunately, the airport had a Snow Emergency Plan. Unfortunately, the plan apparently involved turning all ground operations over to Lucy and Ethel.


So when we landed, our pilot informed us that we'd be delayed getting to our gate. A half-hour later, he informed us, in case we were wondering, that we were still delayed. One hour after that, he informed us that he was now talking to--this is a real quote-- "somebody who seems to have slightly more of a clue than the person we've been talking to for the last hour and a half." After that, it took us only one more hour to get to our gate.


At that point, we'd been on the plane five hours: 2-1/2 getting from Miami to Dallas, and another 2-1/2 getting the last 300 yards. During this time, we were each given one (one) tiny packet of a gritty substance that was called a "breakfast snack," because you cannot come right out and inform passengers that they're being fed gerbil treats.


Anyway, we finally got into the terminal, and as we hustled the six miles to our departure gate, we were heartened by the fact that the monitors said our outbound flight was now scheduled to leave at 1:41 p.m. "Wow!" we thought, with hunger-weakened brains. "One-forty-ONE! They have this thing figured down to the MINUTE!"


And guess what? Our plane was at the gate, and we boarded, and they closed the doors almost exactly at 1:41! And then...


... and then we sat for FOUR HOURS. If there is any activity more fun than sitting in a non-moving, meal-free plane for four hours with a 2-year-old, it would have to involve cattle prods.


But finally our pilot started the engines, and we taxied for about a mile, after which the pilot stopped the plane and informed us that we would be waiting there for AT LEAST TWO MORE HOURS, because there were 40 planes ahead of us for the de-icing procedure, which was apparently being performed by a lone worker with a windshield scraper.


The pilot also said we could use our cell phones. I considered calling the Cyanide Capsule Delivery Service, but my wife, who's more of an idealist, called the airport offices to complain. She finally reached somebody who said, basically, that airport management had nothing to do with managing the airport, and that our beef was with the airline, which I will call "Nacirema Airlines."


So my wife called Nacirema, and was eventually dumped on Consumer Affairs. A person there said this was not Nacirema's fault, because it was a weather problem. My wife said she understood about the weather, but wished to complain that we'd all been loaded onto a plane without being told that the plane would not take off for at least SIX HOURS, which Nacirema surely knew. The Consumer Affairs person responded that--get ready--she would not even record this complaint, because it was a weather problem.


Finally, a little over six hours after we boarded, the flight took off, and two hours later we were in Salt Lake City. So our trip took 13 hours, of which we spent 8-1/2 sitting on the ground.


My point is this: If we catch Osama bin Laden, which I hope we do, I don't know what would be the best way to try him, or where the trial should be held.


But I DEFINITELY know how we should get him there.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

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Previously:

This is Funny, Trust Us
Mindless in Mickeytown
Flight 573 Now Boding
Dakota: Just a Snow Job?
Cyberspace Cadet
The adult idea of reining in kids goes up in smoke
Eat All That You Can Eat
It's late in the season, and I'm batting about .200
When it comes to yard work, I have ants in my pants
Accordion players are squeezing me for an apology
I have strong scientific evidence that men and women are different
I call this work 'Sad Ballad of a Clueless Idiot'
When it comes to shopping, I'm the big Cheez-It
Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat
The Mother of All Parties
Summertime, and the livin' can get a bit fishy
The best summertime vacation is a good ol' staycation
It's summer and the Bridezillas are in full bloom
America's space cadets have an idea that's completely outside the box
This party animal is following the yellow brick road
My diet plan is a surefire way to lose your spouse
Here's a vacation the kids won't forget anytime soon
I'd rather read about walnuts than Britney Spears
Birthday pinata duty has me feeling a little batty
Can't we all just get along? Are you a meshugena?
I've got a few pet peeves about sea creatures
Some common grammar queries axed and answered
Grads, the world is your oyster — and it's shut
It's Barbie's world — the rest of us just live here
35 years later, it's a flight of the conned chords
Trout fishing makes me blooping crazy
Duct-tape daredevils
When it comes to buying, my wife shops — and I drop
I've found a guy who can write this column better me
After all these years, still not ready for my closeup
Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases
A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map
Kicking and hugging
This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues
Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack
My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy
A brief emergency
It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways
A ruff and ready playmate
Sticking it to bad drivers
The gravity of skiing
Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING!
I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away
Attack on language from Shaq to shark
Defusing the turkey bomb
Driving While Stupid
I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion
Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy
It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween
U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals
Mountain man training involves some trash talk
Ten rules for making the world a much better place
A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned
This latest research is enough to drive you nuts
Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies
Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water
Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat
Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age
The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip
Just weighting for the day I can build a better body
Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife
These camping tips will make for some happy trails
I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut
People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic
Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks
The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants
Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace
I've found a guy who can do this better than I can
If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing
Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut
How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts
Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle
The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight
Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end
New phone tactics help me develop new hangups
For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01
How to speak English very much better
When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up
This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel
Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience
The lies about this mammal just drive me batty
In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate
It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels
Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn
My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to
Sanguine ride on rabid transportation
One experiment worth repeating
Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light
The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me
Invention clearly worth the brewhaha
Safe on the slopes
Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh…
A gross national columnist
Mr. Language Person: Weird word
I (cough) was a teenage smoker!
Frogs hop into the headlines
Great American turkeys
Mr. Fixit strikes again
‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative
Lost in space
The Trojan Twinkie Caper
MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Feeding your worst fears
Sock it to 'em, sartorially
The rubber band man
Does public art make sense?
Needling the birthday boy
On calamities (in the sky and on your head)
Modern medical mysteries
Bored games
Dave's Field of Nightmares
Lewis and Clark stepped here!
The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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