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Dec. 2, 2008
Melanie Phillips: The Mumbai atrocity is a wake-up call for a frighteningly unprepared world
Stratfor Geopolitical Intelligence Report: Strategic Motivations for the Mumbai Attack
Dec. 1, 2008
Max Freidlander, as told to Jacklyn C. Wadler: India Inkings
Mark Steyn: Whodunit!?
Nov. 28, 2008
Rabbi Ahron Rapps: An evil seed that didn't have to be
Melanie Phillips: Carpe diem --- or can we all relax now?
Nov. 26, 2008
Michael Feldberg: Meet the Orthodox Jew who laid groundwork for scientific development of ordnance that undergirds America's current world leadership
Andrea Simantov:
Shades of life
Nov. 25, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Getting Emotional For Influence
The Kosher Gourmet
by Ethel G. Hofman : Thanksiving feast!
Nov. 24, 2008
Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg: 'I just Became a grandchild!'
Barry Rubin: Don't flatter your enemies, protect your friends
Nov. 21, 2008
Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: Money matters?
Caroline B. Glick:
Civilization walks the plank
Nov. 20, 2008
Rabbi Avi Shafran: Bronfman's blindness
The Kosher Gourmet
By Linda Gassenheimer: Portobellos add a hearty flavor to pasta with pesto
Nov, 19, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Spread the wealth? Jewish tradition and income equality
Elliot B. Gertel:
'Mad Men': Tackling prejudices or reinforcing them?
Nov, 18, 2008
Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn: The End of the Age of Reason
Jonathan Tobin: Does Barack + Bibi = Disaster?
Nov, 17, 2008
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The End of the Age of Reason
Diana West: Gulling Americans into making terror legit?
Nov, 14, 2008
Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: The Power of Spiritual Inertia
Caroline B. Glick: The perils ahead
Nov, 13, 2008
Stratfor Intelligence Briefing: How Bush and Obama together could change the Middle East dynamic
The Kosher Gourmet
by JeanMarie Brownson: Sweet and savory, crispy and meltingly tender bestilla
Nov, 12, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Tyrannical Co-Workers
Michael Doyle: High Court to consider today donated monuments that may have religious messages in public parks
Nov, 11, 2008
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Will Obama stop government officials considering institutionalizing financial jihad?
Jonathan Tobin: They Will Decide Their Own Fate
Nov, 10, 2008
Rabbi Avi Shafran: $8 billion, modern-day Tower of Babel being built?
Barry Rubin: A letter to the president-elect from a Middle East realist
Nov, 7, 2008
Rabbi Francis Nataf: Of Children and Immortality
Caroline B. Glick: Livni's Obama strategy
Nov, 6, 2008
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: How I tricked a classroom of apathetic students into grasping the fallacy of moral relativism
The Kosher Gourmet
By Gina Kim: Tips for making the perfect soup --- includes recipes
Nov, 5, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
By Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Destitute Debtors
Bruce Weinstein: 'Religulos': Bad title,even worse movie
Nov, 4, 2008
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Treasury Dept. submits to Shariah law
Frida Ghitis: A surprise for Obama in the Middle East
Nov, 3, 2008
Jonathan Rosenblum: Who says Jews are Smart?
Jonathan Tobin:
Was He Wrong About Everything?
March 22, 2007
J-Rhythms with Avraham Rosenblum: JWR's cutting-edge music program showcasing performers -- singers, song writers, musicians, and bands -- who learn and live the Torah lifestyle (OUR NEWEST IGODCAST !)
Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)
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Jewish World Review
Dec. 11, 2006
/ 20 Kislev, 5767
Revolt of the rodents
By
Dave Barry
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Once again, we are forced to ask ourselves, as a society, whether nature should be legal.
Consider a story from the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader, written by Paul Tracy and sent in by alert reader Arnie Alpert. This story states that a Laconia, N.H., police officer was called to the municipal water-treatment facility in response to and as you read this column, please bear in mind that I am not making any of these newspaper quotations up "a report of a suspicious-acting woodchuck that would not let people out of the building." The officer sized up the situation and, according to the story, "determined that the animal needed to be euthanized and tried to run it over with his cruiser." So far, so good. Law-enforcement experts will tell you, after they've had a few belts, that in a situation where a member of the marmot family is holding people hostage in a sewage plant, the textbook response is to drive a police car over the alleged perpetrator, then, if necessary, advise it of its rights.
Unfortunately, things did not go exactly according to plan. The story quotes a plant employee as saying, "When he got out after running over it, I think he thought it was dead; then the thing sprung up and attacked him."
At this point, the officer and if you have never been attacked by a woodchuck, then do not second-guess this decision pulled his 9 mm revolver and commenced firing.
"We think he emptied a clip," a plant employee is quoted as saying, "but we could only find eight casings on the pavement."
The story states that during the battle, the officer, seeking to escape the woodchuck, "jumped up on the cruiser and injured his knee." Fortunately, before anybody else could be hurt, the woodchuck went to that Big Burrow in the Sky.
I wish I could tell you that this was an isolated incident. I wish I could look you in the eyeball and say, "This was just one lone disgruntled woodchuck, possibly a former postal employee, who fortunately will never again terrorize humanity, thanks to a quick-acting police officer, who, fortunately, was not carrying nuclear weapons."
But I cannot say that. For one thing, I lack the lung capacity. For another thing, I have here an article from the Gaithersburg (Md.) Gazette, written by April E. Fulton and sent in by several alert readers, which states, "Nine residents of the South Village area of Montgomery Village two adults and seven children were playing near Docena Court on the morning of June 15 when they suddenly were charged by a band of about a dozen squirrels."
The article quotes one of the women who was bitten on the foot as saying: "We were just playing in the yard, like we do every day, and suddenly, out of nowhere, about 12 squirrels started charging us, making these high-pitched, shrill noises." A neighbor is quoted as saying: "The squirrels that day went crazy."
The article states that on June 21, a representative of the Maryland Department of Natural Resources inspected the area and "found no abnormal behavior from the squirrels."
Of course not. They may be squirrels, but they are not stupid. They're not about to go after a government official, not after what happened to the woodchuck. No, they put on a cute little Walt Disney show for the Maryland Department of Natural Resources, squeaking and scampering around with acorns in their cheeks. But you may rest assured that as soon as the coast was clear, they resumed smoking tiny cigarettes and planning their next attack. They will stop at nothing, as we can see from the following headline from a Sept. 2, 1994 front-page article in the Missoula Missoulian, written by Michael Downs and sent in by many alert readers: FLAMING SQUIRRELS IGNITE FIRE
The story states that "two electrocuted squirrels fell from a power line Thursday morning, their flaming bodies igniting a small grass fire near Tarkio." A fire official is quoted as saying that it could have been a male and a female squirrel engaged in an act of "burning rodent passion." (The fire official does not point out that both "Rodent Passion" and "Flaming Squirrels" would be excellent names for rock bands; this was probably just an oversight.)
At this point, you're saying: "Dave, you have presented ample journalistic evidence here to prove that the animal kingdom is attempting, for whatever reason, to wipe out the entire human race. But at least members of the news media are safe!"
I wish I could agree, but, tragically, I cannot not in light of a recent Associated Press item from Kennewick, Wash., sent in by several alert readers, which begins: "A TV reporter's hair gel apparently attracted a swarm of bees that stung him more than 30 times yesterday." The reporter was doing a story about beekeeping when the attack occurred; the story states that the beekeeper, in an effort to help, covered the reporter's head with a protective hood, but unfortunately, the hood "also turned out to contain bees."
I am sure that you, as a person concerned about the First Amendment, have the same reaction to this story as I did, namely: How come this never happens, on-camera, to my local TV reporters? Until we get solid answers to this and many other questions raised by this column, I am urging everyone to avoid all contact with nature in any form, including vegetables. Speaking of which, you should also write your congressperson.
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Comment by clicking here.
Previously:
He can drive any truck named Tonka
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of Beowulf
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness
© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.
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