In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Dec. 10, 2007 / 1 Teves 5768

Mr. Language Person: Weird word

By Dave Barry

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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Once again, our glands are swollen with pride as we present "Ask Mister Language Person," the column that answers your common questions about grammar, punctuation and sheep diseases. Mister Language Person is the only authority who has been formally recognized by the American Association of English Teachers On Medication. ("Hey!" were their exact words. "It's YOU!")

So, without farther adieu, let us turn to our first question, which comes from a reader who's just returned from a trip to England.

Q. I have just returned from a trip to England, and . . .

A. We know that. Get to the point! You're wasting space!

Q. OK, sorry. Anyway, I have just returned from a trip to England, and I noticed that the English put an extra "u" in certain words, such as "rumour," "humour" and "The Roulling Stounes." Also, they call some things by totally different names, such as "lift" when they mean "elevator," "bonnet" when they mean "lorry," and "twit" when they mean "former Vice President Quayle." My question is, don't they have any dentists over there?

A. Apparently nout.

Q. Please explain the correct usage of the word "neither."

A. Grammatically, "neither" is used to begin sentences with compound subjects that are closely related and wear at least a size 24, as in: "Neither Esther nor Bernice have passed up many Ding Dongs, if you catch my drift." It may also be used at the end of a carnivorous injunction, as in: "And don't touch them weasels, neither."

Q. My husband and I recently received a note containing this sentence: "Give us the money, or you seen the last of you're child." I say that the correct wording should be, "you have done seen the last of you're child," but my husband, Warren, insists it should be, "you have been done seeing the last of you're child." This has become a real bone of contention, to the point where Warren refuses to come out of the utility shed. What do you think?

A. We think that an excellent name for a band would be: "The Bones of Contention."

Q. I have noticed that newspapers often state that they have obtained information from "informed sources." Who are these sources?

A. We cannot tell you.

Q. Why not?

A. Because the Evil Wizard will turn them back into snakes.

Q. As an employee of the Internal Revenue Service, I have been tasked with the paradigm of making our income-tax forms more "user friendly" for the average American citizen, who, according to our research, has the IQ of a sugar beet. I am currently working on this sentence from the Form 1040 instructions: "A taxpayer who dies prior to the fourth trimester of the previous non-exempt year must, within 10 fiscal days of kicking the bucket, file Form 94-82348-RIP, which has not been available since the Eisenhower administration." How can I make this sentence less confusing?

A. According to the Association of Professional Tax Professionals, a much clearer wording would be:

" … which has not been available since the Eisenhower administration (1952-60)."

Q. When should I say "phenomena," and when should I say "phenomenon"?

A. "Phenomena" is what grammarians refer to as a "subcutaneous invective," which is a word used to describe skin disorders, as in "Bob has a weird phenomena on his neck shaped like Ted Koppel." Whereas "phenomenon" is used to describe a backup singer in the 1957 musical group "Duane Furlong and the Phenomenons."

Q. What was their big hit?

A. "You Are the Carburetor of My Heart."

Q. What's the most fascinating newspaper photograph caption you have ever seen?

A. That would be the caption to a 1994 photograph from the Billings, Mont., Gazette, sent in by alert reader David Martin. The photo, which accompanies a very serious story on efforts to end the civil war in Angola, shows some bikini-clad women on a beach, looking at a man who is holding a monkey. The caption states, in its entirety: "An Angolan carries his pet monkey Sunday on a beach in Angola as leaders of the country sign a new peace agreement."

Q. Can you please reprint the top two headlines from the cover of the October 1996 issue of Reader's Digest?

A. Certainly:


Q. In Publication No. 51 of the U.S. Postal Service, which was sent in by alert reader Oljan Repic, how is the term "Special Handling" defined?

A. It is defined as "a service that is optional except when mailing honeybees to Canada."

TODAY'S BUSINESS WRITING TIP: In writing proposals to prospective clients, be sure to clearly state the benefits they will receive:

WRONG: "I sincerely believe that it is to your advantage to accept this proposal."

RIGHT: "I have photographs of you naked with a squirrel."


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I (cough) was a teenage smoker!
Frogs hop into the headlines
Great American turkeys
Mr. Fixit strikes again
‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative
Lost in space
The Trojan Twinkie Caper
Feeding your worst fears
Sock it to 'em, sartorially
The rubber band man
Does public art make sense?
Needling the birthday boy
On calamities (in the sky and on your head)
Modern medical mysteries
Bored games
Dave's Field of Nightmares
Lewis and Clark stepped here!
The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness

© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.