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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Nov. 26, 2007 / 16 Kislev 5768

Frogs hop into the headlines

By Dave Barry


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | As part of our continuing effort to keep you, the voting public, alarmed, today we present a Special Report entitled "Frogs Making News."


Our lead frog hails from West Virginia, where it was the subject of a news story in The Charleston Daily Mail, written by Evadna Bartlett and sent in by alert reader Jeremy Scott. The headline states: Putnam woman finds frog inside her frozen dinner. The story-which is one of the most thorough frog-related stories we've ever seen-quotes the woman, Emily Stover, as stating that she had eaten about three-quarters of a Healthy Choice Chicken Cantonese frozen dinner, and was about to eat the broccoli ("her favorite vegetable," the story states) when she came across what she at first thought was a piece of asparagus. Upon closer examination, however, she discovered, to her horror, that it was a frog.


"I love frogs," she is quoted as saying, "but I don't want them in my food."


The Daily Mail published a color photograph of a concerned-looking Stover holding a small green object, identified as the frog in question, next to a Healthy Choice box. The story states that Stover notified the company that makes Healthy Choice, ConAgra Foods, which sent a representative out to pick up the frog, pack it in dry ice and send it to Omaha, Neb., "for laboratory analysis."


The ironic thing is that some people actually eat frogs' legs on purpose. It is conceivable that we could some day receive another newspaper article concerning a consumer who had come home from the supermarket with a Healthy Choice Frog Cantonese frozen dinner, heated it up in the microwave, then discovered, to her horror, that it contained a piece of chicken.


(Note from the legal department: Barry is not in any way suggesting that there actually is any such product as Healthy Choice Frog Cantonese, or Healthy Choice Snake Cantonese, or Healthy Choice Leech Cantonese, or Healthy Choice Hundreds of Baby Spiders Cantonese; nor is he suggesting that, if these products did exist, they would be contaminated with chicken. Thank you.)


If you read this column regularly but have nevertheless somehow retained at least some brain functionality, at this point you are scratching your head and saying: "Wait a minute! Didn't you already write about a woman in Manchester, N.H., who discovered a one-inch frog baked on one of her pretzels?"


Yes, we did. This means that within a span of only two years, there have been two reported instances of frogs showing up in people's food. And any law-enforcement expert will tell you that, because of the shame experienced by the victims, the vast majority of these cases are never reported to the authorities. The actual number of frogs found in people's food, per year, is probably much closer to 63 million. That is what we here in the professional news media call a Major Epidemic.

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What is the federal government doing about it, you ask? Please do not cause us to laugh in a harsh barking manner. We have here a "Science Watch" column, sent in by alert reader Dale M. Lang, that appeared in the Atlanta Journal and Constitution under the heading, "Frogs breed on space flight." It begins:


"A decades-long question of whether gravity is required for the fertilization of amphibians and the development of embryos has been answered, say researchers at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. . . . In the virtual absence of gravity during a space shuttle mission in 1992, female frogs were induced to ovulate, eggs were collected and fertilized with a sperm suspension, and resulting embryos developed to a free-living stage."


Do not adjust your eyeballs. You are reading this correctly. At a time when millions of Americans are afraid to go into the frozen-food sections of their supermarkets because of the burgeoning epidemic of entree-dwelling frogs, an agency of our federal government has been spending billions of estimated dollars to see if it can produce frogs in space. As if we, as a nation, really need to know this. As if every time you walked into a bar, you heard ordinary American taxpayers sitting around saying: "Yo, Vince, is gravity required for the fertilization of amphibians and the development of embryos? I've been wondering for decades."


And there is the whole issue of safety. As Aristotle once wrote: "When a nation, no matter how powerful and secure within its own borders, reaches the point where it is launching suspended frog sperm into space, watch out." Think about it: What if something goes wrong? What if the shuttle pilot, played by Tom Hanks, glances out the window and notices that a small meteor has punched a hole in one of the tanks, causing suspended frog sperm to spew into space, forming a frozen chunk that could some day fall out of orbit, with the friction of atmospheric re-entry turning it into a steaming, glowing glob, hurtling toward Earth at over 3,000 mph, and perhaps ultimately smashing, with devastating effect, directly into-we do not wish to create panic, but it is a distinct possibility-boxing promoter Don King. We don't know about you, but we would pay our local cable company a flat $1,000 to see this event.


Obviously there is much, much more that needs to be said about this issue, but unfortunately we have no idea what it is. Also we have run out of space, and it's time for our dinner. We're having Prozac Cantonese.

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Previously:

Great American turkeys
Mr. Fixit strikes again
‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative
Lost in space
The Trojan Twinkie Caper
MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Feeding your worst fears
Sock it to 'em, sartorially
The rubber band man
Does public art make sense?
Needling the birthday boy
On calamities (in the sky and on your head)
Modern medical mysteries
Bored games
Dave's Field of Nightmares
Lewis and Clark stepped here!
The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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