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Jewish World Review Nov. 8, 2009 / 22 Mar-Cheshvan 5770 Dakota: Just a Snow Job? By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | North Dakota is talking about changing its name. I frankly didn't know you could do that. I thought states' names were decreed by the Bible or something. In fact, as a child, I believed that when Columbus arrived in North America, the states' names were actually, physically, written on the continent, in gigantic letters, the way they are on maps. I still think this would be a good idea, because if an airplane's navigational system failed, the pilot could just look out the window and see exactly where the plane was. ("OK, there's a huge 'W' down there, so we're over Wyoming. Or Wisconsin.") But apparently states can change their names, and some North Dakotans want to change "North Dakota." Specifically, they don't like the word "North," which connotes a certain northness. In the words ofNorth Dakota's former governor, Ed Schafer: "People have such an instant thing about how North Dakota is cold and snowy and flat." We should heed the words of the former governor, and not just because the letters in "Ed Schafer" can be rearranged to spell "Shed Farce." The truth is that when we think about North Dakota, which is not often, we picture it as having the same year-round climate as Uranus. In contrast, SOUTH Dakota is universally believed to be a tropical paradise with palm trees swaying on surf-kissed beaches. Millions of tourists, lured by the word "South," flock to South Dakota every winter, often wearing nothing but skimpy bathing suits. Within hours, most of them die and become covered with snow, not to be found until spring, when they cause a major headache for South Dakota'sfarmers by clogging up the cultivating machines. South Dakota put a giant fence around the state to keep these tourists out, and STILL they keep coming. That's how powerful a name can be. I'll give you another example. I live in Florida, where we have BIG cockroaches. Q. How big are they? A. They are so big that, when they back up, they are required by federal law to emit warning beeps. These cockroaches could harm Florida's image. But we Floridians solved that problem by giving them a new name, "palmetto bugs," which makes them sound cute and harmless. So when a guest walks into aFlorida kitchen and screams at the sight of an insect the size of Charles Barkley, we say: "Don't worry! It's just a palmetto bug!" And then we and our guest have a hearty laugh, because we know there's nothing to worry about, as long as we do not make any sudden moves toward the palmetto bug's sandwich. So changing names is a sound idea, an idea based on the scientific principle that underlies the field of marketing, which is: People are stupid. Marketing experts know that if you call something by a different name, PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE IT'S A DIFFERENT THING. That's how "undertakers" became "funeral directors." That's how "trailers" became "manufactured housing." That's how "We're putting you on hold for the next decade" became "Your call is important to us." And that's why some North Dakotans want to drop the "North" and call the state, simply, "Dakota." I think this change is brilliant, and could also work for other states with image problems. New Jersey, for example, should call itself, simply, "New." Be advised that "Dakota" is not the first shrewd marketing concept thought up by North Dakotans. Are you familiar with Grand Forks, N.D.? No? It's located just west of East Grand Forks, Minn.According to a letter I received from a Grand Forks resident who asked to remain nameless ("I have to live here," he wrote), these cities decided they needed to improve their image, and the result was—get ready—"The Grand Cities." The Grand Cities, needless to say, have a Web site (grandcities.net), where you can read sentences about The Grand Cities written in MarketingSpeak, which is sort of like English, except it doesn't actually mean anything. Here's an actual quote: "It's the intersection of earth and sky. It's a glimpse of what lies ahead. It's hope, anticipation and curiosity reaching out to you in mysterious ways. Timeless. Endless. Always enriching your soul." Doesn't that just make you want to cancel that trip to Paris or Rome and head for The Grand Cities? As a resident of Florida ("where the earth meets the water, and forms mud") I am definitely planning to go to Dakota. I want to know what they're smoking up there. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: Cyberspace Cadet The adult idea of reining in kids goes up in smoke Eat All That You Can Eat It's late in the season, and I'm batting about .200 When it comes to yard work, I have ants in my pants Accordion players are squeezing me for an apology I have strong scientific evidence that men and women are different I call this work 'Sad Ballad of a Clueless Idiot' When it comes to shopping, I'm the big Cheez-It Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat The Mother of All Parties Summertime, and the livin' can get a bit fishy The best summertime vacation is a good ol' staycation It's summer and the Bridezillas are in full bloom America's space cadets have an idea that's completely outside the box This party animal is following the yellow brick road My diet plan is a surefire way to lose your spouse Here's a vacation the kids won't forget anytime soon I'd rather read about walnuts than Britney Spears Birthday pinata duty has me feeling a little batty Can't we all just get along? Are you a meshugena? I've got a few pet peeves about sea creatures Some common grammar queries axed and answered Grads, the world is your oyster — and it's shut It's Barbie's world — the rest of us just live here 35 years later, it's a flight of the conned chords Trout fishing makes me blooping crazy Duct-tape daredevils When it comes to buying, my wife shops — and I drop I've found a guy who can write this column better me After all these years, still not ready for my closeup Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map Kicking and hugging This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy A brief emergency It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways A ruff and ready playmate Sticking it to bad drivers The gravity of skiing Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING! I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away Attack on language from Shaq to shark Defusing the turkey bomb Driving While Stupid I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals Mountain man training involves some trash talk Ten rules for making the world a much better place A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned This latest research is enough to drive you nuts Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip Just weighting for the day I can build a better body Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace I've found a guy who can do this better than I can If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end New phone tactics help me develop new hangups For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01 How to speak English very much better When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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