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Jewish World Review Nov. 3, 2008 / 5 Mar-Cheshvan 5769 I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | An outfit calling itself "Morgan Quitno Press" recently ranked the 50 United States in order of intelligence, and I am TICKED OFF. My state, Florida, came in 47th. Can you believe that? Forty-seventh! How dare they? How dare they suggest that Florida is more intelligent than three other states? No way! The three states ranked as stupider than Florida were Mississippi, Louisiana and New Mexico. Granted, these are not gifted states. But stupider than the state that STILL does not really know who it voted for in the 2000 presidential election? Stupider than the state that will issue a driver's license to ANYBODY, including people who steer by leaning out the car window and tapping their canes on the roadway? Don't make me laugh. So I did a little research into this Morgan Quitno Press, which can be rearranged to spell "Squirts on a Porn Gem." This outfit has made its reputation by ranking states according to Livability, Safety, Average Butt Size, etc. For example, for six years in a row, Morgan Quitno Press declared that the Most Livable State is Minnesota. My question is: Most livable for what species? Caribou? Has Morgan Quitno Press ever actually BEEN in Minnesota during the winter months (September-June) when you begin your day by putting in 30 minutes with an ice scraper? And that's just to clear your bathroom mirror. The problem with the intelligence ranking is that it's based on each state's public-education system-class size, test scores, etc. This does NOT determine state intelligence. It only determines STUDENT intelligence, and there are certain states (you know who you are) where the first thing that the intelligent students say when they graduate is: "I'm getting OUT of this armpit!" No, to scientifically determine where states belong on the national intelligence scale, we need to consider the Five Key Indicators of State Stupidity: 1. STATE NICKNAME: For nickname stupidity, no state challenges Indiana, which proudly calls itself "The Hoosier State," even though nobody has a clue what "Hoosier" means. It could be a Native American word meaning, "Has sex with caribou." 2. STATE MOTTO: The winner is Washington, whose motto is - get ready to be inspired - "By and by." 3. STATE SONG: The state song of Idaho is, "Here We Have Idaho." 4. OFFICIAL STATE THINGS: Here the competition gets tougher. Three states have declared an Official State Nut. Two have an Official State Cookie. Texas has an Official State Flying Mammal (the Mexican freetailed bat). But the winner in this category is a five-way tie among Maine, Michigan, Nebraska, South Dakota and Wisconsin, all of which have taken time out of their busy schedules to declare an Official State Soil. 5. PRESENCE IN THE STATE OF AN ENORMOUS TWINE BALL. This indicator applies to states where a resident, seeking to set a world's record, spent years wrapping twine into a ball weighing more than 8 tons; and THEN the community, instead of transporting it to a landfill, created an annual festival to celebrate it. There are TWO such states: Minnesota, where the residents of Darwin celebrate "Twine Ball Days," and Kansas, where Cawker City holds a "Twine-a-Thon." So which state is the stupidest? This question has no easy answer. No, wait, it does: Kansas. I say this not so much because of the twine ball, but because Lawrence, Kan., is the home of Morgan Quitno Press. Consequently, it gets a LOT of votes. At least the way we count them here in Florida. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals Mountain man training involves some trash talk Ten rules for making the world a much better place A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned This latest research is enough to drive you nuts Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip Just weighting for the day I can build a better body Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace I've found a guy who can do this better than I can If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end New phone tactics help me develop new hangups For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01 How to speak English very much better When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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