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Jewish World Review Oct. 12, 2009 / 19 Tishrei 5770 Eat All That You Can Eat By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The U.S. Army is developing a new Combat Sandwich. Really. Army food technicians say this sandwich can remain edible, without refrigeration, for three years. Granted, that's nowhere near the staying power of those $4.50 hot dogs they sell at airports, some of which have been rotating on their grills since the Lindbergh flight. But it's still impressive. I recently had an opportunity to field-test the new Combat Sandwich, and will give you my review once I get my new artificial stomach. No, seriously, I'm fine, and my review will follow this informative HISTORY OF MILITARY FOOD: The legendary French general Napoleon "Bone" Aparte once observed that "an army marches on its stomach." Of course, Napoleon was talking about French soldiers, who drank large quantities of wine and thus often could not march on their actual feet ("Forward . . . CRAWL!"). In battle, they routinely shot at their own artillery to make it shut up so they could sleep. But the point is that food is vital for soldiers. The ancient Romans knew this: No matter how far their soldiers ventured from Rome, they knew that, come dinnertime, the Domino's delivery chariot would come thundering into camp, driven by a man who knew that if he was more than 30 minutes late, he'd be disemboweled. By the American Civil War, the military had developed a ration called "hardtack," which was similar to plywood but not as tender. The advantage of hardtack was that it did not spoil, so if soldiers were pinned down on the battlefield, unable to get supplies, they could simply reach into their knapsacks, pull out their hardtack and throw it at the enemy. In World War II, the Army developed "K-rations," which were critical to the outcome of the war, because the Allied soldiers knew that if they won, they would no longer have to eat K-rations. After the war, tons of leftover K-rations were given to starving war refugees, who gave them back. Today they are used primarily in road construction and fruitcake. During the Cold War, there was a fierce competition between the United States and the Soviet Union to gain superiority in the field of military food. This culminated in the Red Army's development of the legendary "Big Ivan" Tactical Assault Sausage, which was the size of a subway car and theoretically could feed one infantryman for 400 years. In 1987, a dozen of these babies were dropped from bombers to Soviet troops in Afghanistan; shortly thereafter, communism collapsed. So food has played a vital role in military history, which is why the Army's new Combat Sandwich is so exciting. When I heard about it, I asked the Army to send me one, and the Army graciously sent me two: one barbecued chicken, and one pepperoni, both wrapped in brown military foil packets that you need a bayonet to open. I field-tested these sandwiches on a Florida beach, where the harsh battlefield-style conditions included heat, sand and a large pink man walking around in a tiny red thong. If anything is going to ruin a person's appetite for a sandwich, it is suddenly finding yourself face to face with the flagrant crevasse that this man was sporting. But even under these conditions, the Combat Sandwich held up well. It's a "pocket" style sandwich, which means it looks as if it has spent time in somebody's pocket. But I thought it was quite tasty, in a spicy way. Of course, I think everything is tasty, including cold cuts so old that when you try to take them out of the refrigerator, they skitter away on little mold legs and hide behind the beer. I will eat food with an expiration date written in Roman numerals. So I gave a few bites of Combat Sandwich to my wife, who's very strict about food freshness, always rooting through the refrigerator and throwing out pieces of pizza that, in my opinion, still have years of service left. She actually liked the Combat Sandwich. So did my mother-in-law, who is picky about most things, although she has graciously made an exception in my case. In conclusion, the Combat Sandwich is a strong addition to our nation's combat-food arsenal. It is a tribute to the men and women who devised it, and the courageous barbecued chickens and pepperonis who gave their lives to make it possible. I know I speak on behalf of a grateful nation when I say: What's for dessert? Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: It's late in the season, and I'm batting about .200 When it comes to yard work, I have ants in my pants Accordion players are squeezing me for an apology I have strong scientific evidence that men and women are different I call this work 'Sad Ballad of a Clueless Idiot' When it comes to shopping, I'm the big Cheez-It Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat The Mother of All Parties Summertime, and the livin' can get a bit fishy The best summertime vacation is a good ol' staycation It's summer and the Bridezillas are in full bloom America's space cadets have an idea that's completely outside the box This party animal is following the yellow brick road My diet plan is a surefire way to lose your spouse Here's a vacation the kids won't forget anytime soon I'd rather read about walnuts than Britney Spears Birthday pinata duty has me feeling a little batty Can't we all just get along? Are you a meshugena? I've got a few pet peeves about sea creatures Some common grammar queries axed and answered Grads, the world is your oyster — and it's shut It's Barbie's world — the rest of us just live here 35 years later, it's a flight of the conned chords Trout fishing makes me blooping crazy Duct-tape daredevils When it comes to buying, my wife shops — and I drop I've found a guy who can write this column better me After all these years, still not ready for my closeup Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map Kicking and hugging This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy A brief emergency It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways A ruff and ready playmate Sticking it to bad drivers The gravity of skiing Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING! I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away Attack on language from Shaq to shark Defusing the turkey bomb Driving While Stupid I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals Mountain man training involves some trash talk Ten rules for making the world a much better place A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned This latest research is enough to drive you nuts Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip Just weighting for the day I can build a better body Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace I've found a guy who can do this better than I can If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end New phone tactics help me develop new hangups For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01 How to speak English very much better When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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