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Jewish World Review Sept. 21, 2009 / 3 Tishrei 5770 Accordion players are squeezing me for an apology By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Before I get to today's topic ("Worms Making News"), I want to apologize to those readers, both human and elf, who were unhappy with my column on "The Lord of the Rings." It turns out that my readership includes some VERY serious fans of the movie and the classic book by the late J.R. (Scooter) Tolkien. Many of these fans took time out from their busy schedules to write lengthy letters detailing the errors in my column, and observing that I am a stupid idiot. Here are some of the specific points they made (I am not making these points up): "For your information, Dick Cheney is NOT in 'The Lord of the Rings.' " "It is not right to refer to Aragorn as 'Lord Aragorn' until he claims the throne of Gondor. He's just a Ranger right now who happens to be really good in battle." "I don't think that you fully understand that if they don't destroy the ring, the world will fall into definite evil." These are all strong points, and so I want to say to you Tolkien fans, by way of sincere apology: Are you, by any chance, Hoosiers? No, seriously, I'm sorry if my column offended you, or in any way has caused the world to fall into definite evil. While I'm at it, I also want to apologize to the accordion community for a recent column in which I encouraged people to throw accordions into ponds. That statement earned me a stern rebuke from James O'Brien, Ph.D., a professor of music at the University of Arizona. Dr. O'Brien informed me that making fun of the accordion is "inappropriate," and concluded his letter with this menacing statement: "Gary Larson did this years ago, and quality accordionists still boycott his 'Far Side' calendars as a result." As a humorist, I am all too aware of the devastating effects of being targeted for a boycott by quality accordionists. I don't want to wind up like poor Gary Larson, who today is penniless, dressed in rags, holding a cardboard sign that says he will draw talking cows for food. So I apologize to O'Brien, who has two CDs for sale: "Accordion Accord" and "Reason for Squeezin'." This brings us to our popular attraction "Worms Making News," which today features two exciting items: DATELINE, MINNESOTA - According to a story in the Duluth News Tribune and brought to my attention by alert reader Brian Rohland, a Duluth man has succeeded in doing something that, for most of humanity, remains only a dream: making wine from tent caterpillars. The man, Ray Reigstad, got the idea from the fact that Minnesota is regularly infested with tent caterpillars, which are also called "armyworms," because during certain times of year they wear tiny knapsacks. According to the story, Reigstad and his girlfriend collected a large quantity of these worms last June, "when they were big" (meaning the worms were big). Reigstad then poured boiling water on them "to kill them instantly" - no worm suffered needlessly in the making of this wine - then mashed them, then added sugar and yeast, then let it ferment until it was a "green liquid," which he then flushed down the toilet. No, wait, that's what I would have done. Reigstad put it in wine bottles and gave it to people for Christmas. Speaking of food: DATELINE, CAMBRIDGE - According to an Associated Press story sent in by alert reader Donald O'Brien, biologists at Harvard University have "manipulated hundreds of genes to create roundworms that are sleek and trim." This is wonderful news for the literally millions of roundworms who suffer from obesity to the point where they do virtually nothing all day except sit around and vote for contestants on "American Idol." But it's also great news for overweight humans, also known, technically, as "Americans." Because if scientists can deactivate the genes that cause roundworms to gain weight, it stands to reason that, in time, they will be able to deactivate the gene that causes human beings to play the accordion. No! Just kidding! Please don't boycott me, quality accordionists! I am truly sorry! Here, have some wine. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: I have strong scientific evidence that men and women are different I call this work 'Sad Ballad of a Clueless Idiot' When it comes to shopping, I'm the big Cheez-It Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat The Mother of All Parties Summertime, and the livin' can get a bit fishy The best summertime vacation is a good ol' staycation It's summer and the Bridezillas are in full bloom America's space cadets have an idea that's completely outside the box This party animal is following the yellow brick road My diet plan is a surefire way to lose your spouse Here's a vacation the kids won't forget anytime soon I'd rather read about walnuts than Britney Spears Birthday pinata duty has me feeling a little batty Can't we all just get along? Are you a meshugena? I've got a few pet peeves about sea creatures Some common grammar queries axed and answered Grads, the world is your oyster — and it's shut It's Barbie's world — the rest of us just live here 35 years later, it's a flight of the conned chords Trout fishing makes me blooping crazy Duct-tape daredevils When it comes to buying, my wife shops — and I drop I've found a guy who can write this column better me After all these years, still not ready for my closeup Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map Kicking and hugging This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy A brief emergency It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways A ruff and ready playmate Sticking it to bad drivers The gravity of skiing Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING! I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away Attack on language from Shaq to shark Defusing the turkey bomb Driving While Stupid I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals Mountain man training involves some trash talk Ten rules for making the world a much better place A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned This latest research is enough to drive you nuts Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip Just weighting for the day I can build a better body Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace I've found a guy who can do this better than I can If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end New phone tactics help me develop new hangups For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01 How to speak English very much better When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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