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Jewish World Review
Sept. 2, 2008
/ 2 Elul 5768
Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water
By
Dave Barry
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
One of these days, a police officer is going to pull me over for driving erratically. He will suspect that I am driving while intoxicated, but he will be wrong. In fact, I will be driving while being a little teapot.
I am often a little teapot while driving. This is because when my 20-month-old daughter is in the car, she demands to hear her favorite CD, "Traditional Children's Songs From Hell." At least that's what I call it. It's one of those CDs with those old songs that we are required by federal law to expose our children to, because they connect us with a time when we were a simpler, happier, much stupider nation. Consider "Old McDonald." It starts out fine: "Old McDonald had a farm." But then it goes to "E-I-E-I-O," as though the lyricist had a bunch of extra vowels he needed to get rid of before moving on. Couldn't he have come up with WORDS for the second line? How hard is it to think of a line that rhymes with "farm"? For example: "Thresher tore off his left arm." Or: "Slept with six goats to keep warm."
But "Old McDonald" is Handel's "Messiah" compared with "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain," a song apparently written by somebody with a severe case of attention deficit disorder:
"She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes!
"She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes!
"She'll be comin' 'round the mountain!
"She'll be comin' 'round the mountain!
"She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes!"
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS: 1. Will she be comin' 'round the mountain? 2. When? I am forced to listen to these brain-shriveling songs constantly when I drive. I'm so used to hearing them that sometimes I'll be halfway to the airport, singing, "The wheels on the bus go round and round! Round and round! Round and round!" when suddenly it dawns on me: Sophie is not in the car. I can play my own music, with intelligent lyrics! (Example: "I said na, na na na na, na na na na, na na na, na na na, na na na na!")
The biggest problem with children's songs is that many of them call for actions on the part of the listeners. My daughter expects everybody to perform these actions. So if we're listening to "I'm a Little Teapot," and she notices that I'm using my arms for some frivolous activity such as steering, she will repeat, "Daddy do it! Daddy do it!" until I let go of the wheel and form my teapot handle and my teapot spout. I have discovered that I can, in fact, steer with my forehead, but visibility is a problem.
But the worst song, from a driving standpoint, is "Where Is Thumbkin?" This is the one where you sing about, and display one at a time, the various fingers on your hand: Thumbkin, Ring Man, Pointer, etc. As you can imagine, this can create misunderstandings in traffic when your fellow motorists see you holding up Tall Man.
Yes, a small child can get you into trouble, and not just in a car. There is a house in our neighborhood that has a large plaster goose on the front porch. For reasons known only to her, my daughter LOVES this goose. Whenever we walk past it, she toddles up onto the porch and gives it a kiss, while I watch nervously from the sidewalk. Lately she has started insisting, with increasing vehemence, that I also kiss the goose. So one recent Sunday morning - I am not making this up - I found myself tiptoeing onto a porch belonging to complete strangers, bending over and kissing their goose. This kind of thing can lead to trouble.
POLICE OFFICER: Hold it right there, mister! Put your hands up and STEP AWAY FROM THAT GOOSE.
ME: You don't understand! I was just -
POLICE OFFICER: Wait a minute. ... You're the same guy I saw holding up Tall Man on the expressway!
But getting arrested is a small price to pay for the joys of parenthood. I know you parents out there agree. You're happy, right? If you're happy, and you know it, clap your hands! I'd clap with you, but it hurts, with these handcuffs.
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Comment by clicking here.
Previously:
Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat
Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age
The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip
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Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife
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The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants
Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace
I've found a guy who can do this better than I can
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Graduates, the world is your oyster and it's shut
How to look good in a swimsuit no ifs, ands or butts
Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle
The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight
Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end
New phone tactics help me develop new hangups
For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01
How to speak English very much better
When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up
This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel
Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty
In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate
It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels
Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn
My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to
Sanguine ride on rabid transportation
One experiment worth repeating
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A gross national columnist
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Great American turkeys
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Lost in space
The Trojan Twinkie Caper
MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Feeding your worst fears
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Does public art make sense?
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On calamities (in the sky and on your head)
Modern medical mysteries
Bored games
Dave's Field of Nightmares
Lewis and Clark stepped here!
The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
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The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
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Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
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Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
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HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
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I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness
© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.
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