Home
In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review August 31, 2009 / 11 Elul 5769

When it comes to shopping, I'm the big Cheez-It

By Dave Barry





http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Good news: It's not my fault about the Cheez-Its.


I eat a lot of Cheez-Its. I get them at the supermarket when I'm wandering the aisles, trying to locate the items on a grocery list made by my wife. For guys, this is stressful. This is the Scavenger Hunt From Hell. Say the list says "detergent." What you want, as a guy, is an aisle with a big sign that says DETERGENT, underneath which are 1,000 identical bottles, all labeled: "DETERGENT."


Instead, you have to make choices. Do you want Wisk or Tide? Okay, that's easy. Wisk had the "ring around the collar" jingle, and you will not buy Wisk until it issues a formal apology to humanity, along with documented proof that everyone involved in producing that jingle has been executed.


So Tide it is. But which Tide? Deep Clean Tide? Clean Breeze Tide? Deep Clean Breeze Tide With Bleach? New Ultra-Deep-Clean Lowfat Country Meadow Potpourri Tide Now Fortified With Lemony Scent Calcium?


The guy brain cannot handle all these consumer choices. The guy brain is designed to deal with deeper philosophical issues, such as: "What size TV do I need?" (Answer: "A bigger one.")


So I do what most guys do, which is grab a detergent bottle and hope my wife will be happy with it. Which, of course, she is not. She looks at the bottle as if I have brought home a 40-ounce maggot, then offers some criticism, such as: "This is fabric softener."


Women.


But that is not my point. My point is that, while wandering around the supermarket, I eventually get to the Fatal Snacks aisle, and I realize that my wife has forgotten, for the 5,000th consecutive time, to put Cheez-Its on my list. So I buy a box. I always buy a big box, a box that could be used for helicopter storage. My thinking is: "This should be enough Cheez-Its for several weeks!"


When I regain consciousness, I'm in my driveway. The Cheez-Its box is on the car seat next to me, empty. My belly is grotesquely bloated, and I'm covered with sticky orange grit. Slowly, the horrible truth dawns on me: "Somebody has stolen my Cheez-Its and surgically implanted a bowling ball in my abdomen."


No, seriously, I realize that I have consumed the entire box of Cheez-Its. I've done this many times, and for years I believed it was my fault. Fortunately, I live in America, where we are gradually coming to understand that nothing we do is our fault, especially if it is really stupid.


Thus I was excited when I saw some articles about Dr. Neal Barnard, a vegan anti-"Big Food" crusader who has a book out that claims - get ready - "cheese is addictive." According to a press release, this book shows that cheese "is loaded with casein, a protein that breaks up during digestion to produce morphinelike opiate compounds called casomorphins."


That's right: casomorphins! The same substances that give ordinary people amazing powers, including the ability to summon the Zords!


No, wait, I'm thinking of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. But whatever casomorphins are, they are clearly bad, because if I understand Dr. Barnard correctly--and bear in mind that I am a professional journalist--they are like morphine. As Dr. Barnard puts it: "Until now, Big Food has tried to defend itself from Big Tobacco-like lawsuits by arguing that unhealthy foods, unlike cigarettes, are not addictive. . . . It's high time we stopped blaming ourselves and recognized there's a physiological reason we feel inexplicably drawn to these foods."


I am definitely going to stop blaming myself, now that I understand that Big Food, working in concert with the cow community (a.k.a. Big Moo), is deliberately putting morphine in my cheese. I'm assuming that there is some actual cheese in Cheez-Its. But that is a minor point. The important thing is, it's not my fault!


The question is, what do I do now? I could give up cheese, join the vegans and eat nothing but water and free-range soybean curd. But that seems extreme. So I'll just summon up my willpower and accept personal responsibility for filing a huge lawsuit against Big Food.


Big Food, if you're reading this column: Please understand that I am not doing this for money. I'm willing to settle today for a sincere apology, plus a huge cash payment. Also, please send me some more Cheez-Its, OK? This box is almost gone.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment by clicking here.


Previously:

Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat
The Mother of All Parties
Summertime, and the livin' can get a bit fishy
The best summertime vacation is a good ol' staycation
It's summer and the Bridezillas are in full bloom
America's space cadets have an idea that's completely outside the box
This party animal is following the yellow brick road
My diet plan is a surefire way to lose your spouse
Here's a vacation the kids won't forget anytime soon
I'd rather read about walnuts than Britney Spears
Birthday pinata duty has me feeling a little batty
Can't we all just get along? Are you a meshugena?
I've got a few pet peeves about sea creatures
Some common grammar queries axed and answered
Grads, the world is your oyster — and it's shut
It's Barbie's world — the rest of us just live here
35 years later, it's a flight of the conned chords
Trout fishing makes me blooping crazy
Duct-tape daredevils
When it comes to buying, my wife shops — and I drop
I've found a guy who can write this column better me
After all these years, still not ready for my closeup
Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases
A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map
Kicking and hugging
This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues
Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack
My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy
A brief emergency
It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways
A ruff and ready playmate
Sticking it to bad drivers
The gravity of skiing
Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING!
I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away
Attack on language from Shaq to shark
Defusing the turkey bomb
Driving While Stupid
I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion
Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy
It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween
U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals
Mountain man training involves some trash talk
Ten rules for making the world a much better place
A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned
This latest research is enough to drive you nuts
Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies
Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water
Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat
Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age
The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip
Just weighting for the day I can build a better body
Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife
These camping tips will make for some happy trails
I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut
People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic
Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks
The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants
Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace
I've found a guy who can do this better than I can
If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing
Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut
How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts
Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle
The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight
Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end
New phone tactics help me develop new hangups
For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01
How to speak English very much better
When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up
This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel
Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience
The lies about this mammal just drive me batty
In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate
It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels
Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn
My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to
Sanguine ride on rabid transportation
One experiment worth repeating
Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light
The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me
Invention clearly worth the brewhaha
Safe on the slopes
Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh…
A gross national columnist
Mr. Language Person: Weird word
I (cough) was a teenage smoker!
Frogs hop into the headlines
Great American turkeys
Mr. Fixit strikes again
‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative
Lost in space
The Trojan Twinkie Caper
MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Feeding your worst fears
Sock it to 'em, sartorially
The rubber band man
Does public art make sense?
Needling the birthday boy
On calamities (in the sky and on your head)
Modern medical mysteries
Bored games
Dave's Field of Nightmares
Lewis and Clark stepped here!
The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles