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April 21, 2014

Andrew Silow-Carroll: Passoverkill? Suggestions to make next year's seders even more culturally sensitive

Sara Israelsen Hartley: Seeking the Divine: An ancient connection in a new context

Christine M. Flowers: Priest's execution in Syria should be call to action

Courtnie Erickson: How to help kids accept the poor decisions of others

Lizette Borreli: A Glass Of Milk A Day Keeps Knee Arthritis At Bay

Lizette Borreli: 5 Health Conditions Your Breath Knows Before You Do

The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom Coconut Walnut Bars' golden brown morsels are a beautifully balanced delectable delight

April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review August 28, 2006 / 4 Elul, 5766

Keeping an eye on crime

By Dave Barry


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | It's time for True Crime Blotter, the feature in which we examine reports of actual crimes to see if they reveal important underlying truths about our society (no). We begin with a shocking crime that either was or was not committed in Springfield, Ill., according to an article from the State Journal-Register sent in by many alert readers. This article states that a man told police that a neighbor "may have switched glass eyeballs with him." The man claimed that the neighbor "also had a glass eye, but apparently preferred the victim's," and that "his false eyeball was taken from his pocket and replaced with another one." The police report stated that the victim "did not see the exchange, nor were there any eyewitnesses."


Of course, it could have been an innocent mistake. Every one of us has, at one time or another, accidentally picked up somebody else's glass eyeball. But we have to wonder if crime is raging out of control in Springfield, in light of yet another story from the Journal-Register, sent in by alert reader Mark Mitchell. This story concerns a man in a movie theater who became annoyed at a group of teenagers who kept making noise during the movie. After several attempts to quiet the teenagers, the man lost his temper, went up to the teenagers, and — in a clearly illegal act of retaliation — switched glass eyeballs with them.


No, really, he sprayed them with a fire extinguisher. Nobody was injured, but that is not the point. The point is that we are supposed to be a nation of laws, not of "vigilante justice," and I am sure I speak for all concerned Americans when I make the following statement regarding the Fire Extinguisher Avenger: Yay. The Journal-Register took pretty much the same position in an editorial, which stated that some readers had even offered to contribute to a legal defense fund for the man. As it happened, he was not charged. But this does NOT mean that we should squirt chemicals at people who talk during movies. Fire extinguishers are intended for emergencies and should be used only if truly needed, such as when a restaurant patron lights a cigar.


Speaking of legal defenses: A fascinating one is described in The La Crosse (Wis.) Tribune, sent in by alert reader Jim Hansen. The paper quotes a police report as saying that a motorist who had been stopped on suspicion of drunken driving "attempted to thwart the arresting officer by covering his ears and saying, 'I cannot hear you, la la la la la.'"


Incredibly, this legal defense did not work, even though it is almost identical to the one used successfully by President Clinton during his impeachment trial on charges of extreme mentoring.


And speaking of getting into trouble because of undergarments: Another intriguing legal defense was employed by a man apprehended on suspicion of drunken driving in Alberta, Canada, according to a report in The Advocate, a newspaper in the city of Red Deer (or, possibly, THE newspaper in the city of Red Deer) sent in by many alert readers. The article states that the suspect "tried to eat his underwear in the hope that the cotton fabric would absorb alcohol before he took a breathalyzer test."


Before we judge this person harshly as being a stupid idiot, we should bear in mind that Canada is considered by some experts to be a foreign country, and thus has its own laws and customs, which could include underwear-eating. For all we know, it is considered the height of Canadian hospitality to offer visitors a nice pair of jockey shorts to chew on. So let's not make fun of Canadians until we've walked a kilometer in their moccasins, eh?


Let's remember that WE have plenty of problems right here in the U.S.A., in crime-wracked hellhole cities such as Sudbury, Mass., where the following item appeared in the Police Log section of the Sudbury Town Crier, sent in by alert reader Lew Weinstein:


"4:15 p.m.: A Silver Hill Road resident reported there was a wild animal in her house. Police responded and found a rotting potato, which they removed."


This incident serves as a chilling reminder that our ultimate defense against crime is the "thin blue line" of police officers, who daily put their lives on the line for us, never knowing when they will find themselves in a dark hallway eye-to-eye with a decomposing tuber, or — G-d forbid — a full-grown member of the zucchini family, which every year kills more Americans than all other forms of squash combined. So the next time you see a police officer, take a moment to express your gratitude. You might also point out that "Decomposing Tubers" would be a good name for a rock band. .

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

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Previously:

Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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