Home
In this issue

July 2, 2009

Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski: The hallmark of a person

Abe Novick: Up, up, and aliya

July 1, 2009

Rabbi Avi Shafran: The Road Taken

The Kosher Gourmet by Marialisa Calta: Get into the holiday spirit with these Star-Spangled desserts

June 30, 2009

Rabbi Binyomin Ginsberg: What makes a great parent?

Caroline B. Glick: Ideologue-in-Chief

June 29, 2009

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Beware of 'Caveat Emptor'

Steven Emerson: ACLU pushing for more money for Hamas

June 26, 2009

Rabbi Yoni Posnick: Learn the secret to a healthy marriage from a scriptural villain

Caroline B. Glick: Barack Obama vs. International Law

June 25, 2009

Rabbi Shimon Apisdorf: The Absurd Power of Truth

Jordan "Gorf" Gorfinkle's strip: Everything's Relative

June 24, 2009

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Advancement of technology is a wake-up call for humanity

The Kosher Gourmet by Andrea Weigl: Summer on a stick: Making frozen treats can be easy, creative and fun

June 23, 2009

Martin M. Bodek: 'On Surnames': And so, We Begin

Caroline B. Glick: The Obama Effect

June 22, 2009

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Working for a corrupt firm

N. Richard Greenfield : Where are American Jews?

June 19, 2009

Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski: Emotion v. intellect

Caroline B. Glick: Israel's rare opportunity

June 18, 2009

Jonathan Rosenblum: Sometimes it is more essential to define the nature of evil than good

Jordan "Gorf" Gorfinkle's strip: Everything's Relative

June 17, 2009

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The Language of Confusion

The Kosher Gourmet by Linda Gassenheimer: Nothing pleases Dad more than a thick, juicy onion-smothered steak. Add home-Baked Potato Chips and …

June 16, 2009

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Career v. Careersism

Caroline B. Glick: Obama's losing streak and Israel

Richard Z. Chesnoff: ‘Palestinians’: Never Missing an Opportunity …

June 15, 2009

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu: How Judea and Samaria can become 'Palestine'

Daniel Pipes: Where Netanyahu's speech failed

June 12, 2009

Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski: Some big thoughts about not acting so big

Caroline B. Glick: Obama's High Commissioner

June 11, 2009

Victor Davis Hanson: Our historically challenged President

Mitch Albom: Beware the True Believers

Lewis Grossberger: What we learn from the new Hitler photos

June 10, 2009

Mort Zuckerman: What Obama and his advisors won't -- or refuse to -- grasp about Israel and the Muslim world

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Lotsa pasta: Tips, techniques and (amazing) taste

June 9, 2009

Anne Bayefsky: Obama's stunning offense to Israel and the Jewish people

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: America's first Muslim president?

June 8, 2009

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Merchant must take responsibility for careless shopper?

Mark Steyn: A superpower that feeds on mediocrity cannot survive for long on leftovers from the past

Richard Z. Chesnoff: How do you say 'kumbaya' in Arabic?

June 5, 2009

Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski: In quest of spirituality

Caroline B. Glick: Obama's Arabian dreams

Charles Krauthammer: The Settlements Myth

June 4, 2009

Paul Greenberg: The War Comes to Little Rock

The Kosher Gourmet by Judy Hevrdejs: Splash it on! Tap your inner jazz musician and improvise when stirring up a vinaigrette

June 3, 2009

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Q. Should terrible teacher be exposed?

Jonathan Rosenblum: The Israel Lobby: Missing in Action

June 2, 2009

Dennis Prager: The Speech President Obama Won't Dare Give in Egypt

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Pressure on Israel raises war risk

Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review August 28, 2006 / 4 Elul, 5766

Keeping an eye on crime

By Dave Barry


Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | It's time for True Crime Blotter, the feature in which we examine reports of actual crimes to see if they reveal important underlying truths about our society (no). We begin with a shocking crime that either was or was not committed in Springfield, Ill., according to an article from the State Journal-Register sent in by many alert readers. This article states that a man told police that a neighbor "may have switched glass eyeballs with him." The man claimed that the neighbor "also had a glass eye, but apparently preferred the victim's," and that "his false eyeball was taken from his pocket and replaced with another one." The police report stated that the victim "did not see the exchange, nor were there any eyewitnesses."


Of course, it could have been an innocent mistake. Every one of us has, at one time or another, accidentally picked up somebody else's glass eyeball. But we have to wonder if crime is raging out of control in Springfield, in light of yet another story from the Journal-Register, sent in by alert reader Mark Mitchell. This story concerns a man in a movie theater who became annoyed at a group of teenagers who kept making noise during the movie. After several attempts to quiet the teenagers, the man lost his temper, went up to the teenagers, and — in a clearly illegal act of retaliation — switched glass eyeballs with them.


No, really, he sprayed them with a fire extinguisher. Nobody was injured, but that is not the point. The point is that we are supposed to be a nation of laws, not of "vigilante justice," and I am sure I speak for all concerned Americans when I make the following statement regarding the Fire Extinguisher Avenger: Yay. The Journal-Register took pretty much the same position in an editorial, which stated that some readers had even offered to contribute to a legal defense fund for the man. As it happened, he was not charged. But this does NOT mean that we should squirt chemicals at people who talk during movies. Fire extinguishers are intended for emergencies and should be used only if truly needed, such as when a restaurant patron lights a cigar.


Speaking of legal defenses: A fascinating one is described in The La Crosse (Wis.) Tribune, sent in by alert reader Jim Hansen. The paper quotes a police report as saying that a motorist who had been stopped on suspicion of drunken driving "attempted to thwart the arresting officer by covering his ears and saying, 'I cannot hear you, la la la la la.'"


Incredibly, this legal defense did not work, even though it is almost identical to the one used successfully by President Clinton during his impeachment trial on charges of extreme mentoring.


And speaking of getting into trouble because of undergarments: Another intriguing legal defense was employed by a man apprehended on suspicion of drunken driving in Alberta, Canada, according to a report in The Advocate, a newspaper in the city of Red Deer (or, possibly, THE newspaper in the city of Red Deer) sent in by many alert readers. The article states that the suspect "tried to eat his underwear in the hope that the cotton fabric would absorb alcohol before he took a breathalyzer test."


Before we judge this person harshly as being a stupid idiot, we should bear in mind that Canada is considered by some experts to be a foreign country, and thus has its own laws and customs, which could include underwear-eating. For all we know, it is considered the height of Canadian hospitality to offer visitors a nice pair of jockey shorts to chew on. So let's not make fun of Canadians until we've walked a kilometer in their moccasins, eh?


Let's remember that WE have plenty of problems right here in the U.S.A., in crime-wracked hellhole cities such as Sudbury, Mass., where the following item appeared in the Police Log section of the Sudbury Town Crier, sent in by alert reader Lew Weinstein:


"4:15 p.m.: A Silver Hill Road resident reported there was a wild animal in her house. Police responded and found a rotting potato, which they removed."


This incident serves as a chilling reminder that our ultimate defense against crime is the "thin blue line" of police officers, who daily put their lives on the line for us, never knowing when they will find themselves in a dark hallway eye-to-eye with a decomposing tuber, or — G-d forbid — a full-grown member of the zucchini family, which every year kills more Americans than all other forms of squash combined. So the next time you see a police officer, take a moment to express your gratitude. You might also point out that "Decomposing Tubers" would be a good name for a rock band. .

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment by clicking here.


Previously:

Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

Insight (Our Columnists)

 Mitch Albom
 Michael Barone
  Dave Barry
 Tony Blankley
 Andy Borowitz
 David Broder
 Stratfor Briefing
 Mona Charen
 Linda Chavez
 Ann Coulter
 Greg Crosby
 Rod Dreher
 Larry Elder
 Suzanne Fields
 John Fund
 Frank J. Gaffney
 Lloyd Garver
 Jonah Goldberg
 Julia Gorin
 Jonathan Gurwitz
 Paul Greenberg
 Lewis Grossberger
 Victor Davis Hanson
 Betsy Hart
 Nat Hentoff
 David Horowitz
 Laura Ingraham
 Paul Johnson
 Jack Kelly
 Ed Koch
 Ch. Krauthammer
 Jonathan Last
 Michael Ledeen
 John Leo
 David Limbaugh
 Kathryn Lopez
 Rich Lowry
 Michelle Malkin
 Jackie Mason
 Dick Morris
 Bill O'Reilly
 Jim Mullen
 Clarence Page
 Kathleen Parker
 Dennis Prager
 Wesley Pruden
 Tom Purcell
 Jonathan Rauch
 Celia Rivenbark
 Robert Robb
 Cokie & Steve Roberts
 Pat Sajak
 Debra J. Saunders
 Culture Shlock
 Roger Simon
 Michael Smerconish
 Thomas Sowell
 Mark Steyn
 John Stossel
 Cal Thomas
 Bob Tyrrell
 Diana West
 Dave Weinbaum
 George Will
 Walter Williams
 Byron York
 Mort Zuckerman

'Toons
 Robert Arial
 Chuck Asay
 Baloo
 Chip Bok
 Dry Bones
  Lisa Benson
 John Branch
 Gary Brookins
 John Cole
 J. D. Crowe
 John Deering
 Brian Duffy
 Everything's Relative
 Mallard Fillmore
 Jake Fuller
 Bob Gorrel
 Joe Heller
 David Hitch
 Jerry Holber
 Steve Kelley
 Jeff Koterba
 Dick Locher
 Chan Lowe
 Ranan R. Lurie
 Jimmy Margulies
 Rick McKee
 Michael Ramirez
 Kevin Siers
 Jeff Stahler
 Ed Stein
 Danna Summers
 John Trever
 Gary Varvel
 Kirk Walters

Lifestyles
 How 2
 Lori Borgman
 The Savvy Consumer
 Elder matters
 Fixit
 Dr. Peter Gott
 Marybeth Hicks
 GET A JOB! by Marty Nemko
 Richard Lederer
 Tech Maven
 Every Monday Matters
 Nutrition Myths
 Bookmark These
 Bruce Williams
 How Stuff Works