
 |
|
May 22, 2013
John Thorne:
They launched the 'Arab Spring' but now yearn for the good old days of a strongman
May 20, 2013
Richard A. Serrano: Is Meir Kahane's assassin now a changed man?
Melissa Healy: Genetic copies of living people from embryos no longer science fiction
Jewz in the Newz by Nate Bloom : Jews Inducted into Rock Hall of Fame; Anton Yelchin co-stars in New "Trek" film; Kutcher (but not Kunis) visits Israel; Jewish TV Star Praises Jewish Rap Star
The Kosher Gourmet by Cathy Pollak: WARNING: This WALNUT CAKE WITH PRALINE FROSTING, perfect for afternoon coffee, is addicting
May 13, 2013
Rabbi Nathan Lopes Cardozo: Why the giving of the document that would permanently change the world could only be done in desolation
David G. Savage: Church-state, literally? Supreme Court weighing public school graduation in a church
May 10, 2013
Rabbi Berel Wein: Be all that you should be
May 8, 2013
Peter Ford: Why China is welcoming both Israel's Netanyahu and Palestinians' Abbas
Warren Richey: Obama administration quietly backs out of appeal over new contraceptive mandate
Fred Weir: At Kerry-Putin meeting, US-Russia relations thaw --- a tad
The Kosher Gourmet by Leela Cyd Ross : Almost too pretty to eat, this colorful salad with Sicilian inspiration will tickle the taste buds and delight your visual sensibility
May 6, 2013
May 3, 2013
Kids, kittens the Same? With employee perks at struggling Internet pioneer Yahoo! it's hard to tell
Sandy Kleffman: Artificial kidney offers hope to patients tethered to a dialysis machine
April 29, 2013
Roy Gutman: Poland's new Jewish museum celebrates life, doesn't revisit Holocaust
Mark Clayton: Terrorism in America: Is US missing a chance to learn from failed plots?
Kim Murphy: Boston Bomber's 'Svengali' Revealed
Pete Spotts: Tiny satellites + cellphones = cheaper 'eyes in the sky' for NASA
April 26, 2013
Clifford D. May: Defense in the Age of Jihadist Terrorism
Sharon Palmer, R.D.: How to feel your best -- with plenty of energy, a healthy weight and optimal mental and physical function -- without driving yourself batty
April 24, 2013
|
| |
Jewish World Review
August 14, 2006
/ 20 Menachem-Av, 5766
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
By
Dave Barry
| 
|
|
|
|
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
If you're looking for a vacation travel destination that blends excitement with huge amounts of corn, I strongly recommend Iowa. I recently spent a few days there, and I can honestly say that it was comparable to experiences I've had in sophisticated, prestige travel destinations such as Paris, in the sense that I was not once engulfed by hog manure.
I was concerned about this, however. The second day I was in Iowa, the top story on the front page of The Des Moines Register was headlined, "Thousands of fish killed by manure spill."
The story stated that a leak in a storage basin at a major hog farm had resulted in "a mammoth hog manure spill," estimated at 1.5 million gallons, which to give you a sense of magnitude is more than the House of Representatives produces in a week.
The story said that state officials were especially alarmed because the manure spilled into a section of the Iowa River considered to be "one of the most prized canoe areas of the state." I can see where it could put a real crimp in a person's canoeing vacation. You're paddling peacefully down the Iowa River, when you hear this faint rumbling noise, which gets louder and louder until it sounds like a freight train, and you turn around, and there, thundering right at you this would be just like the tidal-wave scene in "The Poseidon Adventure," only more aromatic is the dreaded, biblically prophesied Wall of Swine Doots, and at that instant you realize that even if you do survive, you'll never be welcome in an elevator again.
Of course, it would be absurd to suggest that everybody who visits Iowa will be engulfed by manure leaking from storage basins. Some people could also be hit by manure shot from guns. You think I'm making this up, but that is only because you did not read The Wall Street Journal article about the Iowa hog industry, written by Scott Kilman and sent to me by many alert readers. This article states that Iowa's large hog farms have "huge waste lagoons, some emptied by 'manure guns' that fling their cargo through the air onto surrounding fields and occasionally onto passing cars."
I am certainly not in a position to be critical, inasmuch as I live in Miami, an area also known for shooting at people's cars. But at least we have the common decency to use bullets.
Anyway, my point is that aside from the manure danger, there's no reason in the world not to vacation in Iowa, unless you're concerned about piranhas. I quote here from an Associated Press story that also appeared in The Des Moines Register when I was out there:
"SIOUX CITY, IOWA For the second time in a week, a fisherman has reeled in a piranha from the Missouri River just south of Sioux City's downtown area. . . . A third report of a piranha came from Blue Lake at Lewis and Clark Park near Onawa."
The story quotes an Iowa state fishery official as saying that piranha reports are "not unusual" in Iowa; he also notes, reassuringly, that "piranhas will bite but so will bluegill, bass and snapping turtles, all of which can be found in Blue Lake."
That certainly makes me feel better. Clearly, the lesson here is that if you, the Iowa vacationer, would prefer for whatever personal reason not to be consumed by marine life, it would be wise for you to refrain from jumping into the water except in an emergency, such as when you're trying to evade an incoming round of gun-fired hog manure.
But aside from the piranhas and the attack manure, I can't think of a single thing that could possibly spoil your Iowa vacation, unless you plan to have breakfast. I refer here to yet another Des Moines Register story sent in by many concerned readers, which states that firefighters in Cedar Rapids were called to the General Mills plant to extinguish I swear I am not making this up "spontaneously igniting Cheerios."
So, OK, you have fish attacking, manure rampaging and cereal bursting into flame. Also, during July's severe heat wave in Iowa, there were news reports of I am not making this up, either cows exploding. But I am still urging you to take your vacation in Iowa.
Why? I can answer that question in five words, which you have probably already guessed: "the world's largest popcorn ball." Yes. It turns out that Sac County, Iowa, is the Popcorn Capital of the World, and in an effort to promote this fact and get in the Guinness Book of World Records, people there constructed a popcorn ball that is 22 feet in circumference. It weighs over a ton.
I had read an Associated Press article about the popcorn ball, sent to me by several alert readers, so when I was in Iowa I drove up to Sac County to take a look at it. I have seen some of the world's greatest attractions the Eiffel Tower, the Grand Canyon, Ray Charles and I can honestly say that this popcorn ball has them all beat, at least in terms of sugar content. Jim Stock, president of Stock Popcorn in Lake View, Iowa, told me that the popcorn ball, which travels around on its own trailer, is available on a limited basis to make public appearances. So if you can't get to Iowa this summer, maybe you can arrange to have what is probably the largest single snack item in the universe come to your town; it would definitely add "a touch of class" to any wedding, bar mitzvah or funeral.
But I hope you can get to Iowa. I had a great time there, and found the Iowans to be extremely friendly. Of course, that will change once this column appears. The state tourism commission will probably come after me. And they'll be packing the Doot Gun.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
Previously:
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness
© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.
|
|

Arnold Ahlert
Mitch Albom
Jay Ambrose
Michael Barone
Barrywood
Lori Borgman
Stratfor Briefing
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Richard Z. Chesnoff
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Suzanne Fields
Christine Flowers
Frank J. Gaffney
Bernie Goldberg
Jonah Goldberg
Julia Gorin
Jonathan Gurwitz
Paul Greenberg
Argus Hamilton
Victor Davis Hanson
Betsy Hart
Ron Hart
Nat Hentoff
A. Barton Hinkle
Jeff Jacoby
Paul Johnson
Jack Kelly
Ch. Krauthammer
David Limbaugh
Kathryn Lopez
Rich Lowry
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Ann McFeatters
Dale McFeatters
Dana Milbank
Jeanne Moos
Dick Morris
Jim Mullen
Deroy Murdock
Judge A. Napolitano
Bill O'Reilly
Clarence Page
Kathleen Parker
Star Parker
Dennis Prager
Wesley Pruden
Tom Purcell
Sharon Randall
Robert Robb
Cokie & Steve Roberts
Heather Robinson
Debra J. Saunders
Martin Schram
Greg Schwem
Culture Shlock
David Shribman
Roger Simon
Lenore Skenazy
Michael Smerconish
Thomas Sowell
Ben Stein
Mark Steyn
John Stossel
Cal Thomas
Dan Thomasson
Bob Tyrrell
Diana West
Dave Weinbaum
George Will
Walter Williams
Byron York
ZeitGeist
Mort Zuckerman

Robert Arial
Chuck Asay
Baloo
Lisa Benson
Chip Bok
Dry Bones
John Branch
John Cole
J. D. Crowe
Matt Davies
John Deering
Brian Duffy
Everything's Relative
Mallard Fillmore
Glenn Foden
Jake Fuller
Bob Gorrel
Walt Handelsman
Joe Heller
David Hitch
Jerry Holbert
David Horsey
Lee Judge
Steve Kelley
Jeff Koterba
Dick Locher
Chan Lowe
Jimmy Margulies
Jack Ohman
Michael Ramirez
Rob Rogers
Drew Sheneman
Kevin Siers
Jeff Stahler
Scott Stantis
Danna Summers
Gary Varvel
Kirk Walters
Dan Wasserman

Tech Q&A
Mr. Know-It-All
Ask Doctor K
Richard Lederer
Frugal Living
On Nutrition
Bookmark These
Bruce Williams
|