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Jewish World Review August 11, 2008 / 10 Menachem-Av 5768 The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | What lies ahead for the European Union? This question is very much on the minds of concerned journalists looking for a way to take a tax-deductible vacation abroad. For this reason, I recently spent several weeks assessing the mood in a broad cross-section of Europe, ranging all the way from Paris to several other parts of France. I would say, based on this trip, that the biggest problem facing Europe today is that everything over there is hard to pronounce. Even the word "France" is pronounced as a different word entirely ("Fwonce"). But basically the mood of Europe is good, except when you order your food incorrectly, in which case Europe can get snippy. My family and I experienced this personally at a cafe in Paris called Le Mistral (French for "The Snotty Attitude"), where we offended the waiter by committing the unforgivable blunder of existing. To make matters worse, when the waiter, after ignoring us for 15 minutes, reluctantly came to our table, I made the horrific faux pas (literally, "hors d'oeuvre") of attempting to order my food before I ordered my drink, if you can possibly imagine anything so gauche (French for "American"). The waiter was so offended that - I am not making this up - he tore up his order slip, spun around and walked away in what the French call "une huffe." So we went to another cafe, where the waiter was very nice, and where we wrote, in what we hoped was French, a letter of complaint to the Le Mistral management. After our meal, we marched back into Le Mistral, where I handed the letter to the manager, who read it and handed it to the snotty waiter, who also read it. The three of us then had an argument. Unfortunately, we conducted it in French, which I have not studied since the 1960s. If you translated this argument into English, it would probably go something like: MANAGER: What is the problem? ME (pointing at the waiter): There is a duck in your elevator. WAITER: I do not know what you are talking about! ME (forcefully): Give me the fish of my uncle! After several minutes of this, we marched back out, proud of having made our point. Meanwhile, back in Le Mistral, they probably laughed until tears fell into the bouillabaisse, and vowed to be even ruder to American tourists, in hopes of generating more linguistic comedy entertainment. I found the European mood to be mellower in Provence (French for "Province"), an extremely picturesque sector of southern France filled with picturesque houses and fields and little picturesque towns connected by winding roads upon which the French whiz around at speeds upwards of 17 million kilograms per hour in cute French cars the size of an Altoids tin. On market day, all the residents of Provence get into their Altoidsmobiles and whiz to the same town, where they form a massive traffic jam and park in every conceivable place, including on top of other cars. Then they walk around the market and buy delicious, inexpensive cheeses, sausages, breads, pastries, candies and other delicacies. Then they go home and throw all the food away. At least that's what I assume they do, because, despite living in Cholesterol World, they're all thin. The entire population of France weighs less than a standard American softball team. But we tourists, not knowing the local customs, actually ate the food. Our schedule was: Eat, sleep, then go to the market again. Eventually, we had to tie our French rental car to a post so it couldn't flee when our bloated bodies lumbered toward it. In conclusion, the European Union is an important issue that everyone should care about. I urge you to go over there and assess it for yourself. If you happen to eat at Le Mistral, and you happen to see a waiter who looks like a ferret with a mustache, and you happen to speak French, tell him, for me, that he has a duck in his elevator. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: Just weighting for the day I can build a better body Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace I've found a guy who can do this better than I can If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end New phone tactics help me develop new hangups For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01 How to speak English very much better When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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