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March 19, 2010
Rabbi Berel Wein: The Divine is in the details
JWisdom.com Stewards of sacrifice with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky (5 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick: Why Obama is waging war on Israel
March 18, 2010
Cal Thomas: Israel's New Enemy: America?
JWisdom.com Love me not? with Rabbi David Aaron (5 minutes)
Jonathan Rosenblum: Washington Throws a Tantrum
March 17, 2010
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Orwell, Santayana, and Me
Jonathan Tobin: How Many Lives Is Biden's Pride Worth?
March 16, 2010
Steven Emerson: Combating Lawfare
JWisdom.com How to perform a miracle with Rabbi Yaakov Asher Sinclair (4 minutes)
Anne Bayefsky: Behind Obama's Dangerous Overreaction on Israel
March 15, 2010
The Jewish Ethicist By Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Father's obligations toward minor children
JWisdom.com Moody, Grumpy, Irritable Children with Sarah Chana Radcliffe (5 minutes)
Judith Graham: Get the whole picture before a CT
March 12, 2010
Rabbi David Aaron: You CAN have Heaven on Earth
JWisdom.com Manufacturing mediums with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky (4 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick: The march of the Red-Green brigades
March 11, 2010
Glenn Garvin: Conspiracy theories, why people believe them and how they spread
JWisdom.com For Yourself, Not By Yourself with Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff (8 minutes)
The Kosher Gourmet by Linda Gassenheimer : Turn leftovers into tasty New England hash
Paul Richter: Biden promises 'viable Palestine' is in the offing
March 10, 2010
Paul Greenberg: Death Checks In
JWisdom.com How To Get A (Real) Life with Rabbi Warren Goldstein ( EXTENDED EPISODE)
Paul Richter: Israel exerts soverign right to its capital as Biden looks on astounded
Richard A. Serrano: 'Jihad Jane' indictment alleges threat from within U.S.
March 9, 2010
Wesley Pruden: Joe's Israeli adventure
JWisdom.com Free To Be (Responsibly) You and Me! with Rabbi Naftali Brawer ( 8 MINUTES)
David G. Savage: Supreme Court to rule on free speech in case of soldier's funeral
March 8, 2010
The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Make a fuss about those who cuss?
JWisdom.com Finding or Losing Yourself? Here's How! with Rabbi David Aaron ( 5 MINUTES)
Steven Emerson: America must learn from the UK about the future of Islamist subversion
March 5, 2010
Rabbi Berel Wein: Golden Calf still with us --- except it has multiplied
JWisdom.com The Limits of Eternity with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 4 MINUTES)
Caroline B. Glick: Biden's lost cause
March 4, 2010
Alan M. Dershowitz: How About A Real Campaign Against Abuses?
JWisdom.com Using Things, Loving People with Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff ( 7 MINUTES)
Jordan "Gorf" Gorfinkel's Everything's Relative
March 3, 2010
JWisdom.com Grasping The Name of Your Life Game with Rabbi Warren Goldstein ( 8 MINUTES)
The Kosher Gourmet by Marialisa Calta : A cowboy's recipes for really good grub
March 2, 2010
Rabbi Avi Shafran: Someone's there
Diane Toroian Keaggy : Have we misunderstood Michelangelo?
March 1, 2010
JWisdom.com Whole in One with Rabbi David Aaron ( 5 MINUTES)
Michael Muskal: Hillary meets with Israeli official, discusses gefilte fish dispute
Feb. 26, 2010
Rabbi Francis Nataf: The Megilla of Spring
JWisdom.com A Biblical Secret for a More Powerful You with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 5 MINUTES)
Caroline B. Glick: When rhetoric rules the roost
Feb. 25, 2010
The Jewish Ethicist By Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: When walking away from your mortgage is both economically sound and makes ethical sense
JWisdom.com The Second Most Important Question in Your Life with Rabbi Yehoshua Karsh ( 5 MINUTES)
Seema Mehta : U.S.-Israel relations raised in California's Senate race --- by conservatives
Feb. 24, 2010
Rabbi Avi Shafran: The gift of the ‘prayer bomber’
Steven Emerson: Why Religious Freedom Commission is under attack
Feb. 23, 2010
Dennis Prager: Government, Yes! The Divine and Parents, No!
JWisdom.com The Last Laugh of Enlightenment with Rabbi Yaakov Asher Sinclair ( 5 MINUTES)
Anne Applebaum: Prepare for war with Iran --- in case Israel strikes
Feb. 22, 2010
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Is it not refreshing Tiger Woods' career has crashed and burned so dramatically?
JWisdom.com Esther and the third Truth with Rabbi David Aaron ( 9 MINUTES)
Kelly Brewington: Going smoke-free may raise diabetes risk
Feb. 19, 2010
Rabbi David Aaron: Is the Divine beyond us or within us?
JWisdom.com Olympic Faith with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 5 MINUTES)
Caroline B. Glick: Israel and the West are perpetrators of a myth that endangers the Jewish State
Feb. 18, 2010
Cal Thomas: Who is Rashad Hussain?
JWisdom.com A Wedding Disaster to Remember with Rabbi Y.Y. Rubinstein ( 3 MINUTES)
Feb. 17, 2010
JWisdom.com Think your life is messed up? with Rabbi David Aaron ( 11 MINUTES)
Greg Logan: 'Greatest Jewish sporting event of all time since David versus Goliath' may be postponed because of bar mitzvah
Feb. 16, 2010
Anya Martin : Boy's 'cerebral palsy' fixed with diet
JWisdom.com Feet On The Street Spirituality with Gavriel Aryeh Sanders ( 8 MINUTES)
Marty Peretz: Let Europe Mind Its Own Business. It Brings Nothing To The Table Save For Mischief
Feb. 15, 2010
Herb Geduld: Lincoln and the Jews
JWisdom.com Are Our Children Really Ours? with Rabbi Mordechai Becher ( 5 MINUTES)
Susan King: 'Wolf Man' reflected writer's wartime Jewish experience

Jewish World Review August 6, 2007 / 22 Menachem-Av, 5767

Lewis and Clark stepped here!

By Dave Barry


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | We went West for our summer vacation. Our idea was to follow in the footsteps of the hardy explorers Lewis and Clark, who traveled 8,000 miles through hostile, uncharted wilderness, a feat that was possible only because of their great courage and the fact that they left their children at home. Otherwise, they would have quit after maybe 200 yards.


On our trip, we encountered numerous families that, after many hours together in the minivan, had reached Critical Hostility Mass. At one point, we saw a family stopped at a roadside area overlooking a spectacular mountain vista, but nobody was looking at it. Two boys were slumped low in the back seat of the minivan with their baseball caps jammed down over their eyes, listening to their individual compact-disc players. A girl, maybe 12, was stomping tearfully away from the van, followed by Mom, her words echoing off the hillsides, waving some bread and shouting, "If you don't eat this sandwich, I'm not making you another one!" A few feet away, Dad was sitting on a rock, chewing very slowly, staring at the ground. Togetherness!


On our trip, we made a painstaking effort to follow exactly the route that Lewis and Clark used, the only exception being that they took the Missouri River, whereas we took Interstate 90, which is a lot more direct and has motels. At some points, the interstate is very close to the river, and you frankly have to wonder how Lewis and Clark failed to notice it. They may have been hardy, but apparently they were not the sharpest quills on the porcupine, if you get my drift.


One big advantage of the I-90 route is that it takes you to some of the amazing wonders of the West, such as the Corn Palace in downtown Mitchell, S.D. This is, I swear, one of the biggest tourist attractions in South Dakota (official state motto: "Gateway To North Dakota"). The Corn Palace is a large, Moorish-style building that has its exterior walls covered with an enormous mural made entirely from corn. The theme of the mural is changed every year, although you could make the argument that the true theme is always: "We have way too much corn." But, of course, the biggest South Dakota tourist attraction is Mt. Rushmore. You've probably seen hundreds of pictures of this famous monument, but until you are standing right in front of it, in person, you cannot truly appreciate the fact that it's only 8 inches tall. There's a big lens in front of it.


No, seriously, Mt. Rushmore is large and impressive, and you cannot help but feel a sense of awe as you look up at the granite-carved faces of those four great American leaders—George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Don Shula—gazing out from the purple mountain's majesty, across the fruited plain, looking as though they are surveying the mighty nation that they helped to create and thinking: "Since when is corn a fruit?" Mt. Rushmore is located in the Black Hills, which get their name from the fact that they are brown, gray and green. They were caused by erosion. In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West—the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford—were caused by erosion. Apparently, at some point, a huge wave of erosion swept over the West, leaving these attractions. We know this because about every 50 feet out there the National Park Service or some other agency has set up a sign that says something like POINT OF INTEREST, and when you stop to read it, it always says something like: "The buttes you see here were created by erosion 350 million years ago during the Curvaceous Period, when the West was covered by an ocean." The National Park Service apparently has some kind of substance-abuse problem, because it is absolutely convinced that the West used to be covered by an ocean, although if this were true you would think that there would be some evidence of it today in the form of, for example, a petrified boardwalk.


Some of the other natural wonders we saw on our trip were:

At least 500 billion fluorescent red-orange traffic cones, carefully placed on every few feet of highway across 1,000 miles and four states, alerting us that road crews were working ahead.

One guy (in Wyoming, I believe) who was actually working on the road.

A sign outside of the cow-intensive community of Dimock, S.D., that said, "Say it with cheese."


But the highlight of the trip was Yellowstone National Park, which contains many amazing natural wonders that were caused by erosion and are now being preserved for future generations by a dense protective layer of buffalo poop. I personally had thought that buffalo were pretty much extinct, but it turns out that the federal government employs a large number of them in Yellowstone, where they roam around pooping while the deer and, of course, the antelope play, and seldom is heard a discouraging word, although you do hear a lot of people saying, "Watch where you step." But the buffalo really are impressive, and speaking as a taxpayer I consider them a far better deal than, for example, the Department of Commerce.


In conclusion, it was a great trip, and I want to end this account with an inspirational quote from Lewis, or possibly Clark, who said, at the end of their epic journey: "If we write an account of this epic journey, we can deduct it on our taxes."

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Previously:

The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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