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Oct. 13, 2008
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The Happiness Quotient
Jonathan Rosenblum: Ignore the Grandchildren
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Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski: The limitations of scientific miracles
Caroline B. Glick:
Lebanon on the brink --- and why it matters
Oct. 8, 2008
Rabbi Berel Wein: The day when the sane talk to themselves
Ana Veciana-Suarez: Many nonobservant Jews are finding religion
Oct. 7, 2008
Gary Rosenblatt: Of politics and prayer
Caroline B. Glick: The ironies of the West's collusion with the Arabs and Iran
Oct. 6, 2008
Rabbi Yitzchok R. Rubin: Mamma to the masses
Jonathan Tobin: Ahmadinejad Isn't Too Impressed
Oct. 3, 2008
Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: The 'living dead' are all around us
Caroline B. Glick:
Olmert's parting blows
Oct. 2, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Q: Often customers looking for our competitor accidentally enter our store. Can we just serve them without comment?
Jonathan Tobin: Jewish pundit quiz on next year's news
Sept. 29, 2008
Rabbi Eli Gewirtz: Lehman Brothers and the Day of Judgment
Rabbi Leiby Burnham: Apples, Honey and You
Sept. 26, 2008
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The shofar and the Echo of Sinai
Caroline B. Glick: A road paved on reality
Sept. 24, 2008
Greg Crosby: Home for the Holy Days
Ethel G. Hofman: Rosh Hashanah Favorites: Old-fashioned taste, reduced calories
Sept. 23, 2008
Caroline Glick: Liberalism or lives!?
Michael Ledeen: Dear President Ahmadinejad
Sept. 22, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Q: I gave a check to a local merchant, but it hasn't been cashed in months. Probably they lost it. Do I have to tell them?
Diana West: We are losing Europe to Islam
Sept. 19, 2008
Rabbi Berel Wein: On harvesting success
Caroline B. Glick: It is time to act
Sept. 18, 2008
Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Is camping the panacea to save Jewry from self-destruction?
Craig Gordon: Was SNL hilarity too much for Hillary?
Sept. 17, 2008
Jonathan Tobin: The Whole World Is Watching
The Kosher Gourmet
By Linda Gassenheimer: East meets Southwest in this quick meal: MEXICAN-ASIAN TOSTADOS
Sept. 16, 2008
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr. : Into the fire
Everything's Relative : Your Official Jewish Guide to the 2008 USA Presidential Election
Sept. 15, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Enabling risky behavior
Diana West:
A day that will live in ... accommodating Islam
Sept. 11, 2008
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The skeleton in my closet
Rabbi Yechiel Eckstein: Persecution and systematic destruction of Christians in the Middle East must be stopped
Sept. 10, 2008
Jonathan Tobin: There's Something About Sarah
The Kosher Gourmet by Kathy Manweiler: Who needs Chili's when you have these? Recipes for Mexican that taste great and are dietetic!
Our commitment to freedom
Sept. 9, 2008
Daniel Pipes: Must counterinsurgency wars fail?
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.:
Sept. 8, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: How far must one go to help somebody out of a contract?
Barry Rubin: Waiting For Something
Sept. 8, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : How far must one go to help somebody out of a contract?
Barry Rubin: Waiting For Something
March 22, 2007
J-Rhythms with Avraham Rosenblum: JWR's cutting-edge music program showcasing performers -- singers, song writers, musicians, and bands -- who learn and live the Torah lifestyle (OUR NEWEST IGODCAST !)
Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)
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Jewish World Review
July 31, 2006
/ 6 Menachem-Av, 5766
Growing old with Dave
By
Dave Barry
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Call me a wild and crazy guy if you want, but recently, on a whim, I decided towhy not?turn 48.
It's not so bad. Physically, the only serious problem I've noticed is that I can no longer read anything printed in letters smaller than Shaquille O'Neal. Also, to read a document, I have to hold it far from my face; more and more, I find myself holding documentsthis is awkward on airplaneswith my feet. I can no longer read restaurant menus, so I fake it when the waiter comes around.
ME (pointing randomly): I'll have this.
WAITER: You'll have your napkin?
ME: I want that medium rare.
It's gotten so bad that I can't even read the words I'm typing into my computer right now. If my fingers were in a prankish mood, they could type an embarrassing message right in the middle of this sentence HE'S ALWAYS PUTTING US IN HIS NOSE and there is no way I'd be able to tell.
I suppose I should go see an eye doctor, but if you're 48, whenever you go to see any kind of doctor, he or she invariably decides to insert a lengthy medical item into your body until the far end of it reaches a different area code. Also, I am frankly fearful that the eye doctor will want me to wear reading glasses. I have a psychological hang-up about this, caused by the fact that, growing up, I wore eyeglasses for 70,000 years. And these were not just any eyeglasses: These were the El Dork-O model, the ones that come from the factory pre-broken with the white tape already wrapped around the nose part. As an adolescent, I was convinced that my glasses were one of the key reasons why the opposition sex did not find me attractive, the other key reason being that I did not reach puberty until approximately 35.
Anyway, other than being functionally blind at close range, I remain in superb physical condition for a man of my age who can no longer fit into any of his pants. I have definitely been gaining some weight in the midriff region, despite a rigorous diet regimen of drinking absolutely no beer whatsoever after I pass out. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels, which I find myself wearing in more and more social settings. I'm thinking of getting a black one for funerals.
Because of my midriff situation I was very pleased to read recently about the new Miracle Breakthrough Weight Loss Plan For Mice. In case you missed this, what happened was, scientists extracted a certain chemical ingredient found in thin mice, then injected it into fat mice; the fat mice lost 90 percent more weight than a control group of fat mice who were exposed only to Richard Simmons. The good news is that this same ingredient could produce dramatic weight loss in human beings; the bad news is that, before it becomes available, it must be approved by the Food and Drug Administration (motto: "We Haven't Even Approved Our Motto Yet"). So it's going to take a while. If you're overweight and desperate to try this miracle ingredient right away, my advice, as a medical professional, is to get hold of a thin mouse and eat it. It can't be any worse than tofu.
But getting back to aging: Aside from the vision thing, and the weight thing, and the need to take an afternoon nap almost immediately after I wake up, and the fact that random hairsI'm talking about long hairs, the kind normally associated with Cheroccasionally erupt from deep inside my ears-aside from these minor problems, I am a superb physical specimen easily mistaken for Brad Pitt.
Not only that, but I have the mind of a steel trap. Of course, very few things in the worldand I include the Home Shopping Network in this statementare as stupid as a steel trap. What I'm saying is, I have definitely detected a decline in some of my mental facilities. For example, the other day I was in my office, trying to perform a fundamental journalistic function, namely, fill out an expense report, and I needed to divide 3 into a number that, if I recall correctly (which I don't; that's the problem) was $125.85, and I couldn't remember how to do long division. I knew I was supposed to put the 3 into the 12, then bring something down, but what? And how far down? And would I need the "cosine"?
I was starting to panic, when all of a suddenthis is why you youngsters should pay attention in math classmy old training came back to me, and I knew exactly what to do: Ask Doris. Doris works in my office, and she has a calculator. I guess I should start carrying one around, along with some kind of device that remembers (a) people's names, (b) where I put the remote control and (c) what I had planned to do once I got into the kitchen other than stand around wearing a vacant expression normally associated with fish.
But so what if my memory isn't what it used to be? My other mental skills are as sharp as ever, and I'm confident that I can continue to do the kind of astute analysis and in-depth research that have characterized this column over the years, which is why today I want to assure you, the readers, that my advancing age will in no way change the fact that MAINLY HE SCRATCHES HIMSELF.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
Previously:
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness
© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.
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