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Jewish World Review July 13, 2009 / 20 Tamuz 5769 This party animal is following the yellow brick road By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I used to be a party animal. If there was a party, I was there, and I did not leave until it was over. Even then, I did not always leave. Sometimes the people who threw the party, if they wanted to get rid of me, had to move. And these were not sedate parties. These were parties where naked swimming was as common as onion dip. I recall one very cold New Year's Eve in New York City when a group of us decided around 1 a.m. that it would be a great idea to go to Jones Beach and swim in the Atlantic Ocean, which for your information is not heated. The water was so cold that the fish had crawled onto shore and built little driftwood bonfires, but we charged right into the surf and frolicked until we had the same internal temperature as an Eskimo Pie. If we had drifted into the path of an ocean liner, our bodies would have punctured the hull and sunk it. That is the kind of party animals we were. I was thinking about this recently at a party. Like most of the parties I attend these days, this one was to celebrate the birthday of a person who is younger than my current set of contact lenses. There is no nudity at these parties, except when a guest removes all of his or her garments, including diaper, and sprints around squealing, pursued by a parent terrified that the child is about to make peepee on the carpet. So there I was, holding a balloon puppy that had been made for my daughter by the party clown. (All children's birthday parties are now required, under federal law, to have a clown. If you don't have one, armed agents of the U.S. Department of Child Whimsy will come to your home and forcibly paint your face.) I was talking with my wife and another mom, who told us she had started buying her groceries via the Internet. You can do this where we live: You go on the Internet and select the groceries you want, and they are delivered to your house. If you have a chair with wheels, you can just roll from your computer to your front door, let the delivery people in, then roll back to your computer, without ever standing up. We live in wonderful times. Anyway, this mom was telling us about ordering her groceries online, and some other moms, overhearing this, hurried over. I will not lie to you: We were all very excited. When the online mom told us that you could even specify, online, whether you wanted your bananas ripe or unripe, there were audible gasps. I made a gesture of amazement with my daughter's balloon. Do you want more proof of how dull my life has become? Do you want to know how I spend my leisure time? No? Too bad. I spend my leisure time watching "The Wizard of Oz" on DVD. My daughter, who is 2, is obsessed with it. I have watched it more than 100 times. I find myself thinking about it a LOT. I have concluded - and I realize this view will be unpopular - that the REAL reason why Glinda, the so-called "good" witch, does not tell Dorothy right away about the power of the ruby slippers is that Glinda secretly hates Dorothy, because Dorothy gets all the big song-and-dance numbers, whereas Glinda is virtually immobilized inside a giant pink dress that makes her hips appear to be the size of a 1968 Buick Riviera. Yes, this is how I, Former Party Dude, am currently spending my leisure time. At night, when I am trying to sleep, I hear Munchkins shrieking in my head, especially the Coroner of Munchkinland, reporting the medical findings of his autopsy on the Wicked Witch of the East. "She's not only merely dead!" he sings. "She's really most sincerely dead!" I know how she feels. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: My diet plan is a surefire way to lose your spouse Here's a vacation the kids won't forget anytime soon I'd rather read about walnuts than Britney Spears Birthday pinata duty has me feeling a little batty Can't we all just get along? Are you a meshugena? I've got a few pet peeves about sea creatures Some common grammar queries axed and answered Grads, the world is your oyster — and it's shut It's Barbie's world — the rest of us just live here 35 years later, it's a flight of the conned chords Trout fishing makes me blooping crazy Duct-tape daredevils When it comes to buying, my wife shops — and I drop I've found a guy who can write this column better me After all these years, still not ready for my closeup Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map Kicking and hugging This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy A brief emergency It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways A ruff and ready playmate Sticking it to bad drivers The gravity of skiing Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING! I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away Attack on language from Shaq to shark Defusing the turkey bomb Driving While Stupid I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals Mountain man training involves some trash talk Ten rules for making the world a much better place A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned This latest research is enough to drive you nuts Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip Just weighting for the day I can build a better body Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace I've found a guy who can do this better than I can If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end New phone tactics help me develop new hangups For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01 How to speak English very much better When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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