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Jewish World Review
June 22, 2009
/ 24 Sivan 5769
Here's a vacation the kids won't forget anytime soon
By
Dave Barry
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
It's time for our annual Dream Summer Vacation Guide, wherein we reveal our list of "special" travel destinations that you will not hear about from the other travel writers, because they have standards.
We begin with a word of caution: Because of international tension, the U.S. State Department, currently operating from a bunker far below Lincoln, Neb., is advising American travelers to "avoid trouble areas, including foreign countries, films with subtitles and the World Showcase pavilions at Epcot."
So this year our Dream Vacation itinerary will be limited to domestic destinations that you can travel to by car, assuming that you rob banks along the way, because gasoline prices this summer are expected to once again reach $3 per gallon ($67.50 in California). The U.S. Transportation Department is advising motorists to conserve fuel by "traveling mainly downhill."
But let's get to your Dream Vacation itinerary. You'll begin by driving to Indiana, a state located near Ohio or Wisconsin (ask at a gas station for specific directions). On the way, you can entertain the kids by pointing out the many fascinating attractions of the American Heartland. ("Look, kids! ANOTHER cow!")
Your destination in Indiana is Alexandria, the town that made international news several years ago when three workers pulled a hairball the size of a goat out of a sewer. The hairball became an instant nationwide celebrity, kind of like "Joe Millionaire," only with more intellectual depth. The original hairball dissolved, but the people of Alexandria made a replica, which bears a striking resemblance to Donald Trump, and which (I am not making this up) has been prominently featured in the annual Christmas parade.
But you're not taking your family to Alexandria to see a decade-old replica hairball. That would be a waste of your precious Dream Vacation time. You're going to Alexandria to see the World's Largest Ball of Paint. That's right: Alexandria is one of those rare places blessed with TWO major attractions, like Paris, which has both the Eiffel Tower and the Colosseum; and Brentwood, Tenn., which has Dolly Parton.
It turns out that Alexandria is the home of a painting contractor named Michael Carmichael who, since 1977, has been applying coats of paint to a baseball. Why did he do this? For exactly the same reason that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel: He had plenty of paint.
Over the years, the paint ball grew, until now it weighs more than 1,300 pounds, which makes you wonder what Michelangelo might have accomplished if HE had had a baseball. Back in March, Alexandria honored Carmichael's achievement by holding Ball of Paint Day, and the town is hoping the ball will attract tourists.
Your next stop is Algona, Iowa, home of the World's Largest Cheeto That We Know Of. This is a mutant, 2-inch Cheeto clump, also bearing a striking resemblance to Donald Trump, that was obtained via eBay by Iowa radio personality Bryce Wilson, who placed it on display in a bar. To be brutally frank, the Cheeto is not that visually impressive, so to save precious Dream Vacation time we recommend that you just drive through Algona without physically stopping.
Now you want to aim your car toward the town of Soap Lake, Wash., home of the World's Largest Lava Lamp project. We are not making this up. Promoters are building a 50-foot-high working lava lamp, for reasons that remain unclear to us no matter how many times we read the official Web site, www.giantlavalamp.com (if you go there, be sure to listen to the official Giant Lava Lamp song).
You can print out a photo of the lava lamp and display it when you get to Soap Lake.
"Look, kids!" you can say. "Some day this will … Kids? Kids?"
Ha ha! Turns out your kids escaped at a gas stop back in South Dakota and hitchhiked home. They're probably laughing at you right now. The little rascals! We'll see how hard they laugh when they find out you spent their college money on gas.
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Comment by clicking here.
Previously:
I'd rather read about walnuts than Britney Spears
Birthday pinata duty has me feeling a little batty
Can't we all just get along? Are you a meshugena?
I've got a few pet peeves about sea creatures
Some common grammar queries axed and answered
Grads, the world is your oyster and it's shut
It's Barbie's world the rest of us just live here
35 years later, it's a flight of the conned chords
Trout fishing makes me blooping crazy
Duct-tape daredevils
When it comes to buying, my wife shops and I drop
I've found a guy who can write this column better me
After all these years, still not ready for my closeup
Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases
A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map
Kicking and hugging
This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues
Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack
My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy
A brief emergency
It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways
A ruff and ready playmate
Sticking it to bad drivers
The gravity of skiing
Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING!
I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away
Attack on language from Shaq to shark
Defusing the turkey bomb
Driving While Stupid
I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion
Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy
It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween
U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals
Mountain man training involves some trash talk
Ten rules for making the world a much better place
A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned
This latest research is enough to drive you nuts
Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies
Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water
Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat
Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age
The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip
Just weighting for the day I can build a better body
Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife
These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut
People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic
Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks
The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants
Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace
I've found a guy who can do this better than I can
If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing
Graduates, the world is your oyster and it's shut
How to look good in a swimsuit no ifs, ands or butts
Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle
The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight
Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end
New phone tactics help me develop new hangups
For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01
How to speak English very much better
When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up
This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel
Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty
In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate
It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels
Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn
My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to
Sanguine ride on rabid transportation
One experiment worth repeating
Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light
The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me
Invention clearly worth the brewhaha
Safe on the slopes
Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh…
A gross national columnist
Mr. Language Person: Weird word
I (cough) was a teenage smoker!
Frogs hop into the headlines
Great American turkeys
Mr. Fixit strikes again
Einstein Gap: It's all relative
Lost in space
The Trojan Twinkie Caper
MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Feeding your worst fears
Sock it to 'em, sartorially
The rubber band man
Does public art make sense?
Needling the birthday boy
On calamities (in the sky and on your head)
Modern medical mysteries
Bored games
Dave's Field of Nightmares
Lewis and Clark stepped here!
The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named Tonka
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of Beowulf
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness
© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.
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