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Jewish World Review June 22, 2009 / 24 Sivan 5769 Here's a vacation the kids won't forget anytime soon By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | It's time for our annual Dream Summer Vacation Guide, wherein we reveal our list of "special" travel destinations that you will not hear about from the other travel writers, because they have standards. We begin with a word of caution: Because of international tension, the U.S. State Department, currently operating from a bunker far below Lincoln, Neb., is advising American travelers to "avoid trouble areas, including foreign countries, films with subtitles and the World Showcase pavilions at Epcot." So this year our Dream Vacation itinerary will be limited to domestic destinations that you can travel to by car, assuming that you rob banks along the way, because gasoline prices this summer are expected to once again reach $3 per gallon ($67.50 in California). The U.S. Transportation Department is advising motorists to conserve fuel by "traveling mainly downhill." But let's get to your Dream Vacation itinerary. You'll begin by driving to Indiana, a state located near Ohio or Wisconsin (ask at a gas station for specific directions). On the way, you can entertain the kids by pointing out the many fascinating attractions of the American Heartland. ("Look, kids! ANOTHER cow!") Your destination in Indiana is Alexandria, the town that made international news several years ago when three workers pulled a hairball the size of a goat out of a sewer. The hairball became an instant nationwide celebrity, kind of like "Joe Millionaire," only with more intellectual depth. The original hairball dissolved, but the people of Alexandria made a replica, which bears a striking resemblance to Donald Trump, and which (I am not making this up) has been prominently featured in the annual Christmas parade. But you're not taking your family to Alexandria to see a decade-old replica hairball. That would be a waste of your precious Dream Vacation time. You're going to Alexandria to see the World's Largest Ball of Paint. That's right: Alexandria is one of those rare places blessed with TWO major attractions, like Paris, which has both the Eiffel Tower and the Colosseum; and Brentwood, Tenn., which has Dolly Parton. It turns out that Alexandria is the home of a painting contractor named Michael Carmichael who, since 1977, has been applying coats of paint to a baseball. Why did he do this? For exactly the same reason that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel: He had plenty of paint. Over the years, the paint ball grew, until now it weighs more than 1,300 pounds, which makes you wonder what Michelangelo might have accomplished if HE had had a baseball. Back in March, Alexandria honored Carmichael's achievement by holding Ball of Paint Day, and the town is hoping the ball will attract tourists. Your next stop is Algona, Iowa, home of the World's Largest Cheeto That We Know Of. This is a mutant, 2-inch Cheeto clump, also bearing a striking resemblance to Donald Trump, that was obtained via eBay by Iowa radio personality Bryce Wilson, who placed it on display in a bar. To be brutally frank, the Cheeto is not that visually impressive, so to save precious Dream Vacation time we recommend that you just drive through Algona without physically stopping. Now you want to aim your car toward the town of Soap Lake, Wash., home of the World's Largest Lava Lamp project. We are not making this up. Promoters are building a 50-foot-high working lava lamp, for reasons that remain unclear to us no matter how many times we read the official Web site, www.giantlavalamp.com (if you go there, be sure to listen to the official Giant Lava Lamp song). You can print out a photo of the lava lamp and display it when you get to Soap Lake. "Look, kids!" you can say. "Some day this will … Kids? Kids?" Ha ha! Turns out your kids escaped at a gas stop back in South Dakota and hitchhiked home. They're probably laughing at you right now. The little rascals! We'll see how hard they laugh when they find out you spent their college money on gas. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: I'd rather read about walnuts than Britney Spears Birthday pinata duty has me feeling a little batty Can't we all just get along? Are you a meshugena? I've got a few pet peeves about sea creatures Some common grammar queries axed and answered Grads, the world is your oyster — and it's shut It's Barbie's world — the rest of us just live here 35 years later, it's a flight of the conned chords Trout fishing makes me blooping crazy Duct-tape daredevils When it comes to buying, my wife shops — and I drop I've found a guy who can write this column better me After all these years, still not ready for my closeup Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map Kicking and hugging This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy A brief emergency It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways A ruff and ready playmate Sticking it to bad drivers The gravity of skiing Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING! I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away Attack on language from Shaq to shark Defusing the turkey bomb Driving While Stupid I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals Mountain man training involves some trash talk Ten rules for making the world a much better place A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned This latest research is enough to drive you nuts Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip Just weighting for the day I can build a better body Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace I've found a guy who can do this better than I can If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end New phone tactics help me develop new hangups For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01 How to speak English very much better When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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