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Dec. 2, 2008

Melanie Phillips: The Mumbai atrocity is a wake-up call for a frighteningly unprepared world

Stratfor Geopolitical Intelligence Report: Strategic Motivations for the Mumbai Attack

Dec. 1, 2008

Max Freidlander, as told to Jacklyn C. Wadler: India Inkings

Mark Steyn: Whodunit!?

Nov. 28, 2008

Rabbi Ahron Rapps: An evil seed that didn't have to be

Melanie Phillips: Carpe diem --- or can we all relax now?

Nov. 26, 2008

Michael Feldberg: Meet the Orthodox Jew who laid groundwork for scientific development of ordnance that undergirds America's current world leadership

Andrea Simantov: Shades of life

Nov. 25, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Getting Emotional For Influence

The Kosher Gourmet by Ethel G. Hofman : Thanksiving feast!

Nov. 24, 2008

Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg: 'I just Became a grandchild!'

Barry Rubin: Don't flatter your enemies, protect your friends

Nov. 21, 2008

Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: Money matters?

Caroline B. Glick: Civilization walks the plank

Nov. 20, 2008

Rabbi Avi Shafran: Bronfman's blindness

The Kosher Gourmet By Linda Gassenheimer: Portobellos add a hearty flavor to pasta with pesto

Nov, 19, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Spread the wealth? Jewish tradition and income equality

Elliot B. Gertel: 'Mad Men': Tackling prejudices or reinforcing them?

Nov, 18, 2008

Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn: The End of the Age of Reason

Jonathan Tobin: Does Barack + Bibi = Disaster?

Nov, 17, 2008

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The End of the Age of Reason

Diana West: Gulling Americans into making terror legit?

Nov, 14, 2008

Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: The Power of Spiritual Inertia

Caroline B. Glick: The perils ahead

Nov, 13, 2008

Stratfor Intelligence Briefing: How Bush and Obama together could change the Middle East dynamic

The Kosher Gourmet by JeanMarie Brownson: Sweet and savory, crispy and meltingly tender bestilla

Nov, 12, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Tyrannical Co-Workers

Michael Doyle: High Court to consider today donated monuments that may have religious messages in public parks

Nov, 11, 2008

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Will Obama stop government officials considering institutionalizing financial jihad?

Jonathan Tobin: They Will Decide Their Own Fate

Nov, 10, 2008

Rabbi Avi Shafran: $8 billion, modern-day Tower of Babel being built?

Barry Rubin: A letter to the president-elect from a Middle East realist

Nov, 7, 2008

Rabbi Francis Nataf: Of Children and Immortality

Caroline B. Glick: Livni's Obama strategy

Nov, 6, 2008

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: How I tricked a classroom of apathetic students into grasping the fallacy of moral relativism

The Kosher Gourmet By Gina Kim: Tips for making the perfect soup --- includes recipes

Nov, 5, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist By Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Destitute Debtors

Bruce Weinstein: 'Religulos': Bad title,even worse movie

Nov, 4, 2008

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Treasury Dept. submits to Shariah law

Frida Ghitis: A surprise for Obama in the Middle East

Nov, 3, 2008

Jonathan Rosenblum: Who says Jews are Smart?

Jonathan Tobin: Was He Wrong About Everything?

March 22, 2007

J-Rhythms with Avraham Rosenblum: JWR's cutting-edge music program showcasing performers -- singers, song writers, musicians, and bands -- who learn and live the Torah lifestyle (OUR NEWEST IGODCAST !)

Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review June 18, 2007 / 2 Tamuz, 5767

My visit to Nether-Netherland

By Dave Barry


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Here, as promised last week, is the second and final part of my report on the fact-finding mission I took to the Netherlands this summer to increase international understanding, a cause that as the great humanitarian Florence Nightingale so often pointed out as she toiled among the sick and wounded—is tax-deductible if you write about it.


My topic today is Amsterdam, which is the largest city in the Netherlands, unless it is not (somebody should look this up). Amsterdam, with its network of picturesque canals lined with rows of quaintly gabled townhouses, is one of the prettier cities in Europe; it's also one of the most compact, which means that you can set out from your hotel on foot and, within minutes, be struck by a bicyclist going 127 miles per hour (2,038 kilometers centigrade). This happens because Dutch people of all ages actually use their bicycles for transportation, unlike Americans, who, once they pass age 15, use their bicycles mainly as housing for spiders.


The streets of Amsterdam teem with whizzing bicycles, sometimes carrying two or even three people, who often are holding packages, smoking cigarettes, talking on cell phones, applying makeup and generally behaving very much like motorists on an American interstate highway, except that the Amsterdam cyclists go much faster. I'm not saying that a Dutch woman cyclist carrying two small children and a sack of groceries would win the Indianapolis 500, but she would definitely finish in the top five.


As a thoughtful concession to pedestrians, the Dutch cyclists all have little bells on their handlebars that make a cute cha-CHING sound, which serves as a friendly warning that you are about to die. As a tourist in Amsterdam, you quickly become conditioned to react to this sound. A fun prank would be to take a bicycle bell into a crowded Amsterdam cafe and ring it; all the tourists would immediately dive to the floor.


Of course, some of them might already be on the floor, because one very popular substance in the Netherlands is beer. The Dutch produce a lot of excellent beer, which natives and tourists alike consume in large quantities in a courageous and unselfish humanitarian effort to keep this low-lying country from flooding. And beer is not the only substance that people ingest over there. The Dutch have a very open-minded, live-and-let-live philosophy about what consenting adults should be allowed to do, such that certain parts of Amsterdam make Las Vegas look like West Point. You can see businesses openly selling sex, drugs and—most shocking of all, to Americans—french fries with MAYONNAISE.


Nevertheless, you feel perfectly safe in Amsterdam (except for the bicycles). In fact, one popular tourist activity is to go to the famous red-light district and take ganders at the extremely friendly women who sit in little street-level rooms behind display windows, kind of like cars at an auto dealership, but with less clothing. (Notice that I am tastefully refraining from making a headlights joke here.)


I was with a group of people (including, for the record, my wife) who decided to go see the red-light district. As we approached it, we were all looking around with great curiosity, trying to spot one of the friendly women; it was exactly like when you visit Yellowstone National Park and you know that there are bears somewhere because you keep seeing signs warning you about them, but you haven't actually SEEN a bear yet, so the tension keeps building up inside you.


And so when we came around a corner and suddenly found ourselves right next to an occupied display window, I—demonstrating the cool urbanity that certainly enhances the reputation of American tourists for suave sophistication—pointed and yelled, "There's one!" At the same instant, I walked into a metal traffic barrier, hitting it so hard that I thought I fractured my kneecap, although, of course, I did not seek medical treatment because I didn't want to have to explain to the medical personnel how I injured myself. This is exactly why health authorities say that if you're going to be messing around in a red-light district, you should ALWAYS wear protection, in the form of kneepads.


But other than that one incident, I had a terrific time on my trip, which incidentally—Internal Revenue Service, please note—included a brief side trip to Paris. The Netherlands is lovely and hospitable, and Amsterdam is a lively and fun city, full of things to do. In fact, I'll confess that, while I was there, I took advantage of the permissive laws and did something that—call me a wild counterculture explorer—I just had to try. I am referring to french fries with mayonnaise. My advice is: Just say no.

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Previously:

Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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