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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review June 4, 2007 / 18 Sivan, 5767

Shooting carps in Wisconsin

By Dave Barry


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | A fundamental belief held by Americans is that if you are on land, you cannot be killed by a fish. This belief has been reinforced by the Steven Spielberg movies "Jaws," "Jaws II," "Jaws Goes to Porky's" and "Saving Private Ryan From Jaws," in which the only characters to die were the ones stupid enough to venture into the Atlantic Ocean, where even ankle-deep water often conceals predators the size of Winnebagos.


So most Americans remain on land, believing they're safe. Unfortunately, this belief—like so many myths, such as that there's a reason for "Daylight Savings Time"—is false. Over the years, I have reported on a number of cases of people on land nearly being killed by fish. I have pursued this story not for personal gain, but in the belief that my efforts will be worthwhile if I can save the life of just one person, and that person turns out to be an Internet magnate who gives me a billion dollars.


Today I present three more chilling cases, none of which I am making up. We begin with an article from the Times-Standard, a California newspaper published in Eureka, which is Greek for "Yikes." This article, written by Shaun Walker and sent in by alert reader Matt Filar, states that John and Lauren Erker of Eureka were "relaxing inside their house" when "they heard a loud crashing noise." They went to their porch and found "a two-foot hole in the plastic roof and what they believe to be a three-pound ocean perch below it."


The Erkers believe the perch was dropped by an osprey. The story does not speculate WHY an osprey would try to kill them with a perch, but it does quote Mr. Erker as saying: "I know if you wake up with a horse in your bed, what that means. But I don't know about a fish." (He is referring to the scene in "The Godfather" where a man discovers, to his horror, that he is in bed with the severed head of a horse, apparently put there by a large, mob-related osprey.)


Our next incident is described in an article from the Santa Rosa, Calif., Press Democrat, written by Mike Geniella and sent in by many alert readers. It states that Sergio Gutierrez, a truck driver for Sea Products Inc., was driving a tractor-trailer on Highway 101 at 3:15 a.m. when he slammed into a bear crossing the road. Gutierrez was thrown from the truck, which then overturned, the result being that he was, according to the story, "buried under an avalanche of frozen mackerel."


Fortunately, Gutierrez survived. Unfortunately, the bear did not, so there was no way to determine whether it had any links to the osprey community.


At this point, you're saying: "Dave, these two instances of people almost being killed on land by fish definitely constitute what journalists call a 'rash,' or possibly even a 'wave.' What is the government doing about it?"


You will not like my answer one bit. I have here an article from the front page of the Wisconsin State Journal, written by Dee J. Hall and sent in by many alert readers. The story concerns an effort by the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources to "improve the habitat" in a marsh by poisoning a large number of carp. Unfortunately, when government agencies decide to "improve" a habitat, things do not always go as planned, which is how the National Park Service recently turned New Mexico into charcoal.


The plan in Wisconsin was that the carp would die and sink to the marsh bottom. Unfortunately, nobody told the dead carp, which decided to float instead. So hundreds of thousands of them drifted downstream to a lake called (really) Lake Sinissippi, where they formed a giant, reeking mass.


Here's where it gets scary. The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources decided to get rid of the dead fish by—get ready—using manure spreaders to shoot them across farm fields. The Wisconsin State Journal ran a beautiful front-page color picture showing a man—identified as "Duane Ketter, wildlife technician"—driving a tractor, behind which is a device that is flinging dead fish into the air, apparently at high velocities. If you can look at this picture without having to change underwear, you are not human.


But my point is this: As if it's not bad enough that the ospreys and bears are trying to kill us with fish; now we have to keep an eye out for airborne carp hurled by the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources. So my advice is: Be careful! And whatever else you do, remember this: "Duane Ketter and His Wildlife Technicians" would be an excellent name for a rock band.

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Previously:

The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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