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Jewish World Review May 27, 2008 / 22 Iyar 5768 Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | A commencement address: This is your big day — the day when you jam four years' worth of unlaundered underwear into a Hefty bag and leave college, prepared by your professors to go out into the Real World. The first thing you'll notice is that your professors are not going out there with you. They're not stupid; that's why they're professors. They've figured out that college is a carefree place where the most serious real problem is finding a legal parking space. So your professors are going to stay in college until they die. Even then, they'll go right on teaching classes. This is called "tenure." But you have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough credits to graduate. So now you're leaving college and embarking upon the greatest adventure — and the biggest challenge — of your young lives: moving back in with your parents. Decades ago, when I graduated from college, my friends and I would rather have undergone a vasectomy with a fondue fork than move back in with our parents. But times have changed, and today many graduates don't want to go straight from college into a harsh and unforgiving world fraught with unbearable hardships, such as no free high-speed Internet. And so many of you will return home, hand your Hefty bag to Mom for processing, and move back into your old room, which is filled with your childhood memories, not to mention the faint aroma of gerbil doots. Is this a bad thing? Does the fact that you, a grown adult, are moving back in with your parents mean that you're a sponging loser? Yes. You are SpongeBob LoserPants. No! Sorry! I mean: No. It's fine! Your parents don't mind! They're thrilled to have you back home! Even from way up here on the podium, I can hear their teeth grinding with joy. Besides, it's only temporary, right? In time, you'll get tired of living with your parents, with their constant nagging about how you need to find a job, or at least help with the housework, and could you put gas in Dad's car when you borrow it, and can you explain the Mystery Thong that Dad found in the backseat cup holder, and MY G-D IS THAT A TATTOO, and could you not play that music so loud at night, or could you at least play some DECENT music, we're not "squares" you know, we like GOOD rock 'n' roll, we like The Mamas and the Papas, the Beatles — though not the later Beatles — but this music today, you can't even call it music, it sounds like angry men clubbing a yak to death with electric guitars, and HOW COULD YOU GET A TATTOO THERE, and there are 15 Starbucks — no wait, now it's 16 Starbucks — within walking distance of this house and surely one of them would be happy to hire somebody with a degree in anthropology, and here's an article I found in Women's Day about tattoo removal that you might want to . . . DON'T YOU WALK AWAY WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU . . Yes, graduates, as much as you love your mom and dad, you're realistic enough to understand, deep down inside, that they are the two most annoying human beings on the planet. And so the time will come — I give it six weeks — when you realize that you can no longer continue living with them. And so, you will summon your courage, take a deep breath, and ask them to move out. It's only fair! They've had the house practically to themselves for years! Now it's your turn! Let THEM go work at Starbucks. Of course, eventually, you will want to have a career. You may think you'll never find your "dream job," but trust me: If you set your goals high, and you never, ever give up, I guarantee you that one day you will find yourself working for a huge impersonal corporation run by morons. Everybody does! It's not so bad: You get a little cubicle where you sit all day doing some tedious corporate thing that has absolutely nothing to do with anything you learned in college. On your break, you'll go buy a mocha latte from Dad. You'll settle into a comfortable routine, and before you know it, you'll have kids of your own. And one day, you'll send them off to college. When that happens, change the locks. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? 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The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

Columnists Mitch Albom Jay Ambrose Bruce Bialosky Lori Borgman Ben Carson Mona Charen Richard Z. Chesnoff Alicia Colon Ann Coulter Greg Crosby Larry Elder Suzanne Fields Christine Flowers Bernie Goldberg Jonah Goldberg Paul Greenberg Argus Hamilton Victor Davis Hanson Froma Harrop Ron Hart Nat Hentoff A. Barton Hinkle Laura Hollis Jeff Jacoby Jack Kelly Ch. Krauthammer David Limbaugh Rich Lowry Michelle Malkin Ann McFeatters Dana Milbank Jeanne Moos Dick Morris Jim Mullen Judge A. Napolitano Kathleen Parker Star Parker Dennis Prager Wesley Pruden Tom Purcell Sharon Randall Michael Reagan Robert Robb Dave Ross Debra J. Saunders Martin Schram Robert Samuelson David Shribman Roger Simon Lenore Skenazy Michael Smerconish Thomas Sowell Mark Steyn John Stossel Cal Thomas Dan Thomasson Bob Tyrrell Dave Weinbaum George Will Walter Williams Byron York Cathy Young Mort Zuckerman Toons Eric Allie Robert Arial Baloo Pat Bagley Nate Beeler Lisa Benson Chip Bok Dry Bones John Branch Daryl Cagle Cameron Cardow Patrick Chappatte John Cole Paul Combs J. D. Crowe John Darkow Bill Day Matt Davies John Deering Bob Englehart Brian Duffy Everything's Relative Randall Enos Mallard Fillmore David Fitzsimmons Glenn Foden Jake Fuller Bob Gorrel Walt Handelsman Joe Heller David Hitch Jerry Holbert David Horsey Taylor Jones Lee Judge Steve Kelley Mike Keefe Jeff Koterba Dick Locher Chan Lowe Jimmy Margulies RJ Matson Gary McCoy Rick McKee Paresh Nath Jack Ohman Jeff Parker Milt Priggee Michael Ramirez Rob Rogers Steve Sack Bill Schorr Drew Sheneman Kevin Siers David Ray Skinner Jeff Stahler Scott Stantis Danna Summers Gary Varvel Kirk Walters Christopher Weyant Larry Wright Dan Wasserman Adam Zyglis Lifestyles Tech Q&A Ask Doctor K Richard Lederer Bookmark These Bruce Williams