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April 21, 2014

Andrew Silow-Carroll: Passoverkill? Suggestions to make next year's seders even more culturally sensitive

Sara Israelsen Hartley: Seeking the Divine: An ancient connection in a new context

Christine M. Flowers: Priest's execution in Syria should be call to action

Courtnie Erickson: How to help kids accept the poor decisions of others

Lizette Borreli: A Glass Of Milk A Day Keeps Knee Arthritis At Bay

Lizette Borreli: 5 Health Conditions Your Breath Knows Before You Do

The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom Coconut Walnut Bars' golden brown morsels are a beautifully balanced delectable delight

April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review May 21, 2007 / 4 Sivan, 5767

The perfect storm

By Dave Barry


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | If you're one of the millions of people planning to travel by air this summer, here's some important information from the Association of Commercial Airlines:


(Silence.) Uh-oh! Apparently the airlines are unable to give us any information at this time! Probably they are experiencing thunderstorms. No institution experiences as many thunderstorms as an airline. Huge, violent clouds surround airline employees at all times. They cannot hold company picnics, because the death toll from lightning strikes would be in the hundreds. If we want to end the drought in sub-Saharan Africa, all we have to do is put an airline there; the entire region would be underwater within hours.


In practical terms, what this means for you, the traveler, is that when planning your airplane trip this summer, you should take into consideration the fact that your flight will never actually take off.


Of course, the airline will not tell you this. Airlines have a strict policy of never revealing flight information to passengers. Say you have a ticket for a flight that's scheduled to depart at 6 p.m. The airport TV monitors will insist that this flight is on schedule, even if the time is 5:57 p.m. and there is no actual, physical airplane out at the end of the jetway.


If you ask the airline personnel about this, they'll tap on their computer keyboard for a moment, then look you in the eye and say: "I'm still showing this flight on time." Do not blame them for misleading you. They all must take a Secrecy Oath; if they're caught revealing accurate flight information to a passenger, they'll be locked in an overhead luggage compartment with nothing to eat but an airline "snack" made from U.S. Army surplus bedding.


Sometimes I think the airlines don't really own any airplanes. I think they secretly own the airport food concessions, and make their money by selling $4.50 hot dogs to the crowds of passengers who are attracted to airport gate areas in hopes of catching flights that do not, in fact, exist.


TRUE ANECDOTE: I once scheduled to take a flight from Miami to Chicago. Of course, the airline said the flight was on time. In an effort to double-check this, I connected my laptop computer to an airport phone, logged onto the Internet, and went to the America Online weather site, where I clicked on the little button labeled, "Airport Delays." Here, I swear, is what it said:


"To better serve you, we are currently redesigning and rebuilding our Airport Delays section. As a result, the Airport Delays section is currently unavailable."


I was not fooled by this message. Clearly, airline computer personnel — the same ones who make sure that no two passengers are ever charged the same fare for the same flight — had hacked into the weather site to prevent me from obtaining information about my flight. That's how good their security is! We should put these people in charge of protecting our nuclear secrets.


So I was forced to check with an airline agent, who tapped on his keyboard for a moment. I could not see his computer screen, but I am guessing it said something like:


"VIOLENT THUNDERSTORMS HAVE REDUCED O'HARE AIRPORT TO A PILE OF RUBBLE. COMMERCIAL AVIATION THERE WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR YEARS. BUT WE HAVE PLENTY OF $4.50 HOT DOGS FOR SALE AT THE GATE AREA."


The agent looked up and told me: "I'm showing that flight on schedule." So I went to the gate, where the signboard showed that the flight was on time right up until they announced that it was canceled because of thunderstorms in Chicago.


TRUE FOLLOW-UP ANECDOTE: The next day, I booked another flight to Chicago, and, because of a screw-up that I am sure got somebody fired, the plane, after a delay, actually took off. The interesting thing was, I was flying with a ticket that said my name was "Barry White." Really. That is who the airline computer insisted I was. I pointed out to the ticket agent that Barry White is a famous soul crooner who does not resemble me in any way except that we are both bipeds. I asked if my ticket could reflect my real name; after tapping on his computer for a good 10 minutes, the agent informed me — I swear — that this was not possible, and advised me to just get on the plane.


So I did. I assumed that somewhere else in the world, the real Barry White, holding a ticket that said, "Dave Barry," was sitting in an airport gate area, waiting for a nonexistent plane, eating a $4.50 hot dog. As a veteran air traveler, I would not be surprised to learn that the person sitting next to him was Amelia Earhart.

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Previously:

Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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