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Jewish World Review May 11, 2009 / 17 Iyar 5769 Grads, the world is your oyster — and it's shut By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | A commencement address: This is your big day - the day when you jam four years' worth of unlaundered underwear into a Hefty bag and leave college, prepared by your professors to go out into the Real World. The first thing you'll notice is that your professors did not go out there with you. They're not stupid; that's why they're professors. They've figured out that college is a carefree place where the most serious real problem is finding a legal parking space. So your professors are going to stay in college until they die. Even then, they'll go right on teaching classes. This is called "tenure." But you have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough credits to graduate. So now you're leaving college and embarking upon the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives: moving back in with your parents. Decades ago, when I graduated from college, my friends and I would rather have undergone a vasectomy with a fondue fork than move back in with our parents. But times have changed, and today many graduates don't want to go straight from college into a harsh and unforgiving world fraught with unbearable hardships, such as no free high-speed Internet. And so many of you will return home, hand your Hefty bag to Mom for processing, and move back into your old room, which is filled with your childhood memories, not to mention the faint aroma of gerbil doots. Is this a bad thing? Does the fact that you, a grown adult, are moving back in with your parents mean that you're a sponging loser? Yes. You are SpongeBob LoserPants. No! Sorry! I mean: No. It's fine! Your parents don't mind! They're thrilled to have you back home! Even from way up here on the podium, I can hear their teeth grinding with joy. Besides, it's only temporary, right? In time you'll get tired of living with your parents, with their constant nagging about how you need to find a job, or at least help with the housework, and could you put gas in Dad's car when you borrow it, and can you explain the Mystery Thong that Dad found in the backseat cup holder, and MY GOD IS THAT A TATTOO, and could you not play that music so loud at night, or could you at least play some DECENT music, we're not "squares" you know, we like GOOD rock 'n' roll, we like The Mamas and the Papas, the Beatles - though not the later Beatles - but this music today, you can't even call it music, it sounds like angry men clubbing a yak to death with electric guitars, and HOW COULD YOU GET A TATTOO THERE, and there are 15 Starbucks - no wait, now it's 16 Starbucks - within walking distance of this house and surely one of them would be happy to hire somebody with a degree in anthropology, and here's an article I found in Women's Day about tattoo removal that you might want to . . . DON'T YOU WALK AWAY WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU . . . Yes, graduates, as much as you love your mom and dad, you're realistic enough to understand, deep down inside, that they are the two most annoying human beings on the planet. And so the time will come - I give it six weeks - when you realize that you can no longer continue living with them. And so, you will summon your courage, take a deep breath, and ask them to move out. It's only fair! They've had the house practically to themselves for years! Now it's your turn! Of course, eventually, you will want to have a career. You may think you'll never find your "dream job," but trust me: If you set your goals high, and you never, ever give up, I guarantee you that one day you will find yourself working for a huge impersonal corporation run by morons. Everybody does! It's not so bad: You get a little cubicle where you sit all day doing some tedious corporate thing that has absolutely nothing to do with anything you learned in college. On your break, you'll go buy a mocha latte from Dad. You'll settle into a comfortable routine, and before you know it, you'll have kids of your own. And one day, you'll send them off to college. When that happens, change the locks. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: It's Barbie's world — the rest of us just live here 35 years later, it's a flight of the conned chords Trout fishing makes me blooping crazy Duct-tape daredevils When it comes to buying, my wife shops — and I drop I've found a guy who can write this column better me After all these years, still not ready for my closeup Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map Kicking and hugging This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy A brief emergency It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways A ruff and ready playmate Sticking it to bad drivers The gravity of skiing Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING! I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away Attack on language from Shaq to shark Defusing the turkey bomb Driving While Stupid I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals Mountain man training involves some trash talk Ten rules for making the world a much better place A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned This latest research is enough to drive you nuts Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip Just weighting for the day I can build a better body Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace I've found a guy who can do this better than I can If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end New phone tactics help me develop new hangups For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01 How to speak English very much better When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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