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Jewish World Review May 4, 2009 / 10 Iyar 5769 It's Barbie's world — the rest of us just live here By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Every now and then, you come across a story so darned heartwarming that you need to take a prescription antacid. This is such a story. I found out about it from alert reader David Rankin, who sent me the front page of the Sevier County, Tenn., Mountain Press. On it is an article about a Danville, Va.-based textile company called "Dan River," which was closing its Sevierville plant and laying off workers. Evidently, some savvy individual in management realized that the workers would be unhappy about losing their jobs. And so, to cheer them up, the company gave workers "something extra" in their severance packages, something that would make these layoffs truly special: Barbie dolls. I am not making this up. According to the Mountain Press, the "severance package" included a $100 Wal-Mart gift card, a "Dan River" cap, a calculator, a plaque and "three red-headed Barbie dolls." The newspaper published a photo of one worker's Barbies, still in their boxes, smiling with radiant perkiness and ready for some layoff fun. We can only imagine the reaction: MANAGEMENT PERSON: John, we're sorry about letting you go after 23 years at the plant, but to "soften the blow," we're giving you these. WORKER: But …But these are … MANAGEMENT PERSON: Yes! Barbies! Three of them! And they're identical! WORKER: Wow! These will be a huge hit with my four boys, ages 15 through 26! This is the best layoff EVER! But before implementing a plan -- even a seemingly flawless and airtight plan, such as giving dolls to grownups who are losing their jobs -- management probably should have consulted with a normal, noncorporate human, or even a reasonably bright hamster. ("We have good news and bad news: The hamster liked the Wal-Mart card, but it made doots all over the Barbies.") Speaking of Barbie: I assume you have heard she is no longer with Ken. She has apparently taken up with a new doll named "Blaine," an Australian surfer with one of those asymmetrical surfer-dude haircuts that make him look like he was attacked by barbers with seriously incompatible views on how long hair should be. Blaine also has the kind of muscular physique that women do not find at all attractive, according to my wife whenever I ask her why she is staring at a Bowflex commercial. I'm not sure how I feel about the Barbie-Ken split. On the one hand, I can see why Barbie would not be satisfied with Ken. I have a 4-year-old daughter, so our house has a thriving, teeming Barbie colony. This colony is serviced by one lone Ken, and frankly he is not up to the task. I say this because Ken doesn't seem to notice that the Barbies are constantly getting naked. Often, after my daughter has been playing with her Barbies, I'll walk into her room, and there will be naked Barbies everywhere, and Ken will be displaying absolutely no interest in them. Lately, in fact, Ken has been off in a corner, sitting in Barbie's pink Jeep with Pinocchio. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But my point is that I can see why Barbie has dumped Ken. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about Blaine. If Blaine thinks he's getting into MY daughter's room, he's stupider than he looks, which is pretty stupid. With a better haircut, he could have a career in management. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: 35 years later, it's a flight of the conned chords Trout fishing makes me blooping crazy Duct-tape daredevils When it comes to buying, my wife shops — and I drop I've found a guy who can write this column better me After all these years, still not ready for my closeup Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map Kicking and hugging This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy A brief emergency It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways A ruff and ready playmate Sticking it to bad drivers The gravity of skiing Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING! I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away Attack on language from Shaq to shark Defusing the turkey bomb Driving While Stupid I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals Mountain man training involves some trash talk Ten rules for making the world a much better place A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned This latest research is enough to drive you nuts Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip Just weighting for the day I can build a better body Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace I've found a guy who can do this better than I can If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing Graduates, the world is your oyster — and it's shut How to look good in a swimsuit — no ifs, ands or butts Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end New phone tactics help me develop new hangups For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01 How to speak English very much better When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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