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April 21, 2014

Andrew Silow-Carroll: Passoverkill? Suggestions to make next year's seders even more culturally sensitive

Sara Israelsen Hartley: Seeking the Divine: An ancient connection in a new context

Christine M. Flowers: Priest's execution in Syria should be call to action

Courtnie Erickson: How to help kids accept the poor decisions of others

Lizette Borreli: A Glass Of Milk A Day Keeps Knee Arthritis At Bay

Lizette Borreli: 5 Health Conditions Your Breath Knows Before You Do

The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom Coconut Walnut Bars' golden brown morsels are a beautifully balanced delectable delight

April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review April 30, 2007 / 12 Iyar, 5767

Land of the Frozen Earwax

By Dave Barry


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | As a lover of nature and an outdoorsperson, I still enjoy going to a remote wilderness where I can relax, "recharge my batteries" and possibly be eaten. So in late April, I hopped on an airplane, then another airplane, then eight or nine more airplanes, until finally I reached Alaska (Official State Motto: "Speak Up! Our Earwax Is Frozen!").


Following is Part One of a two-part report on my trip. (Part Two will appear next week. Both parts are tax-deductible.)


DAY ONE: I arrived in Anchorage and, as is the ancient custom in "The Land of the Midnight Sun," I had the airplane seat cushion surgically detached from my butt. It was evening, but there was still plenty of daylight left, and I knew that within just a few miles of downtown there were many spectacular unspoiled areas, virtually untouched by human civilization. So I went to a bar.


There I had a few beers with my friend Craig Medred, who splits his time between writing a column for The Anchorage Daily News and trying to get himself killed. Craig is a serious, by which I mean clinically insane, sportsperson. He's the kind of guy who's always heading out to the wilderness for days at a time, crawling around in the snow, chewing pine cones for nutrition, engaging in some extremely rugged sporting challenge such as hunting wolverines with a letter opener. One time, while riding a mountain bike, he fell off a 75-foot cliff; another time, while moose hunting, he encountered some bear cubs, and their mother — who, as fate would have it, was also a bear, but much larger — attacked and hospitalized him. ("Maul first, ask questions later" — that is the mother-bear childcare philosophy.)


For the record: In all my years as a newspaper columnist, I have never so much as received an angry letter from a bear.


My evening at the bar with Craig was surreal. Maybe it was jet lag; maybe it was the general cosmic weirdness that permeates Alaska. It was definitely something. People were talking about the urban moose problem. It had been a very snow-intensive winter, even for Alaska, and there were moose wandering all over Anchorage. This can create problems, because moose, in addition to being humongous, are the disgruntled postal workers of the animal kingdom. Anchorage residents routinely call their employers and say they can't come to work right away on account of there is a moose on the porch. (Do not try this in, for example, San Diego.)


Anyway, we were sitting at the bar, complaining about the moose situation, when somebody said, very calmly, "We're having an earthquake."


"WHAT?" I said, adding: "NOW?"


"Look at the lights," somebody said. Sure enough, the chandeliers were swinging back and forth. Nobody seemed remotely alarmed by this. People were more interested in discussing Craig's court case. It turned out that Craig had been arrested and tried on charges of — I am not making this up — towing a canoe on a railroad track. I'm still hazy on the details; it had something to do with hunting ducks.


As it happened, Craig's lawyer was also in the bar (this kind of coincidence occurs often in Alaska, which has only about 150 residents total). He came over to discuss the case, which ultimately came out in Craig's favor. The lawyer said this was because Craig groveled before the judge, although Craig views the ruling as an affirmation of the fundamental right of every American — not stated explicitly in the Constitution, but clearly implied — to tow canoes on railroad tracks.


At 10 p.m. it was still light outside, but I was exhausted, so I trudged the two blocks back to my hotel, keeping a wary eye out for moose and other dangerous urban criminal elements. Yes, Alaska does have crime. I know this because alert Alaskan reader Jenny Leguineche has sent me selected excerpts from Dispatch Alaska, a section of The Anchorage Daily News that reprints news items from other newspapers around the state. Here are some actual items:


From The Seward Phoenix: "Male reported that his dog was stolen from his residence and he had a ransom note."


From The Sitka Daily Sentinel: "A man was reported to be beating on a boy, but the two turned out to be having a dandelion fight."


From The Skagway News: "A business owner reported that someone broke the hand off her mannequin. A possible suspect may be a man with a blue-and-yellow shirt, sandy-colored hair and a long, skinny neck who walks humped over."


And finally, we have these two alarming items from The Petersburg Pilot: "A caller reported that he had received a report regarding someone speeding in a forklift at Chatham Strait Seafoods."


Another caller reported that he had returned to his residence where he was staying and a ball was missing from the front porch. The caller stated that neighbors had seen an individual "take the ball and use knives on it."


Despite this crime wave, I made it safely back to the hotel, where I was able — call it instinct — to locate my room. I immediately went to bed so as to rest my body for further Alaskan adventures, which could, I knew, require me to actually leave the hotel vicinity. But that is the price you pay when you possess the kind of pioneering spirit exemplified by men such as Lewis and Clark, both of whom — and don't try to tell me this is coincidence — are dead.


TUNE IN NEXT WEEK for Part Two of this series, featuring glaciers and a terrifying encounter with Binky the Tourist-Eating Bear.

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Previously:

The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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