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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review April 28, 2008 / 23 Nissan 5768

Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end

By Dave Barry


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | According to a recent newspaper article that I carefully clipped out and then lost but I remember the gist of, traffic gridlock in the United States is very bad. It's getting to the point where many commuters arrive at work, use the bathroom, then immediately begin commuting home.


What is causing this traffic congestion? According to a report from the U.S. Department of Transportation, which recently completed a six-year, $187.3 million study of the problem, the root cause is, quote, "a whole lot of people driving." But that is only part of the problem. The other part is: highway construction. I happen to travel extensively, because of the nature of my profession (I am a monarch butterfly). I would estimate that, at present, approximately two-thirds of our nation's highways have been rendered impassible by "construction" crews. If there had been this much highway construction going on back in 1804, Lewis and Clark would never have gotten any farther west than Atlantic City.


Now, I realize that we must pay a price for progress. As the old saying goes, "You can't make an omelet without putting millions of motorists through living hell for decades." I honestly believe that when all these highway projects are finally done, the world will be a better place. Unfortunately, that will be 17 million years from now, and the only living things left on Earth will be cockroaches. As they crawl along the wide-open, obstacle-free highway system, they'll wave their feelers at each other, communicating the message: "I'm so glad they finished this thing before they became extinct!"


The problem is, at the current rate of progress, 17 million years might not be enough. To understand why, let's take a look at how a typical highway construction project works:


PHASE I: The Division of Traffic Cones (motto: "Over Our Dead Bodies") sets out the hundreds of thousands of cones that form the heart of any highway project. Often, in fact, they ARE the project. What happens is, a crew will strew cones all over a stretch of highway the length of Tennessee, and this effort will use up the entire budget for that particular project, leaving the highway department with no financially responsible choice but to abandon it and move on to the next project in the Master Highway Construction Plan, which was originally developed during World War II by Nazi undercover agents seeking to bring America to its knees.


If there is any money left over, the project moves to:


PHASE II: Large, angry men come with jackhammers and do not leave until every square inch of usable road surface has been smashed into pieces no larger than a standard Chiclet.


PHASE III: Nothing happens in Phase III, which typically lasts six years.


PHASE IV: Workers from the Division of Great Big Machines That Never Actually Move litter the construction site with huge, powerful-looking pieces of construction equipment, many of which do not have engines. Eventually these are worn away by erosion.


PHASE V: The project is actually completed, and a giant talking cucumber from Mars dances the hula.


I don't mean to be overly critical of highway-construction workers. They're only doing their jobs. I'm especially grateful to the unsung employees of the Division of Really Helpful Signs. Think of this crack unit the next time you're trying to get somewhere, traveling at roughly the same speed as the Chrysler Building, creeping past miles of cones and immobile construction equipment, some of which has vines growing on it, and at last you come to what is, as far as you can tell, the only working machine in the entire highway project: a generator-powered electric sign, flashing the vital message: "EXPECT DELAYS."


Yes, gridlock is indeed a problem. What can we, as citizens, do about it? Plenty! We can form car pools with our co-workers, so that instead of being stuck in traffic, we'll be stuck in traffic smelling our co-workers' bodily odors. Or we can take mass transit, defined as "transit that does not go where you need to go."


Working together, we CAN make a difference!

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Previously:

New phone tactics help me develop new hangups
For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01
How to speak English very much better
When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up
This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel
Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience
The lies about this mammal just drive me batty
In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate
It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels
Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn
My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to
Sanguine ride on rabid transportation
One experiment worth repeating
Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light
The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me
Invention clearly worth the brewhaha
Safe on the slopes
Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh…
A gross national columnist
Mr. Language Person: Weird word
I (cough) was a teenage smoker!
Frogs hop into the headlines
Great American turkeys
Mr. Fixit strikes again
‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative
Lost in space
The Trojan Twinkie Caper
MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Feeding your worst fears
Sock it to 'em, sartorially
The rubber band man
Does public art make sense?
Needling the birthday boy
On calamities (in the sky and on your head)
Modern medical mysteries
Bored games
Dave's Field of Nightmares
Lewis and Clark stepped here!
The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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