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Jewish World Review
April 13, 2009
/ 19 Nissan 5769
Duct-tape daredevils
By
Dave Barry
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
These days, we take flying for granted. We walk aboard commercial airplanes, and although we don't understand how they work, we're confident that, thanks to the technology embodied in these complex machines, some teeny part, possibly in the toilet, will malfunction and we will be delayed.
But sometimes planes actually fly. And when they do, they become soaring monuments to the brave pioneers who made modern aviation possible - people like Wilbur and Orville Wright Brothers, Amelia (Air) Hart Earhart and Earl P. Flinchwater, who developed the computer program that guarantees that no two passengers on any given flight ever pay the same fare. And the aviation pioneering goes on. On a recent Sunday on Biscayne Bay in Miami, I watched as 28 teams of courageous young people - and here I am using the word "courageous" in the sense of "completely out of their minds" - competed in an event called "Flugtag." Flugtag (pronounced "floog tog") is sponsored by the Red Bull energy beverage. I tried one, and it gave me a refreshing lift. I hope to be able to sleep again by Halloween.
In Flugtag, which is German for either "Flying Day" or "Make Sure Everybody Signs a Liability Waiver," competitors build human-powered aircraft, then push them off a 30-foot-high platform and see how far they can fly. Competitors also get points for style, so they wear costumes and perform skits just before their flights.
Before the competition, I examined the aircraft, which were duct-tape-intensive contraptions representing a wide range of aerodynamic concepts. One was a giant replica of Homer Simpson, lying on his back, arms outstretched to form wings. Another was shaped like an enormous pigeon. It was completely covered with feathers, as was its flight team.
I asked the pigeon's designer, Corby Rusk, if he thought the pigeon would actually fly.
"Of course!" he said. "The feathers will give it lift! Feathers fly, right?"
Some of the entries looked vaguely like actual airplanes; others did not even have wings. One, entered by a team from England, was shaped like a giant bowler hat. My personal favorite, called "Joy of Birth," was an enormous cow lying on her back. The cow team members were also dressed as cows. Their skit involved opening the cow's legs in a clinically gynecological manner and having a team member slide down a ramp and shoot out the birth canal into the bay. "Tasteful" does not begin to describe it.
The competition was excellent. Virtually every flight went the same: The team would push its craft onto the 30-foot-high flight platform and be announced by an unnaturally enthusiastic emcee who sounded as though his blood content was 80% Red Bull. Then, at the big moment, the team's pilot would climb into the craft, and the other team members would push the craft toward the end of the platform, gaining speed, until the dramatic moment when the craft would go off the end, and - in a triumph of human ingenuity - fall straight down into the bay.
Yes. Virtually every craft displayed the aerodynamic characteristics of a crowbar. Some of them - notably the ones that resembled real airplanes - appeared to fall even faster than could be explained by gravity alone. Several fell apart before they even reached the platform edge.
This went on for more than three hours, yet it somehow remained riveting entertainment. You can have your Masters Golf Tournament and your Super Bowl; give me overcaffeinated young people crashing in underengineered contraptions any day.
The crowd also loved it. At one point, the emcee was interviewing a team about to compete, and somebody noted that one of the team members had a prosthetic leg. The emcee turned to the crowd and shouted - I swear I am not making this up - "Give it up, Miami, for the prosthetic leg!" And Miami, not known as a generous town, did.
Anyway, the next time you're on a plane, waiting for a toilet part, take a moment to reflect on the efforts of these bold modern-day aviation pioneers to advance the frontiers of human flight. Then look at the wings. If you see feathers, get off.
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Previously:
When it comes to buying, my wife shops and I drop
I've found a guy who can write this column better me
After all these years, still not ready for my closeup
Let's watch out for those conjugal phrases
A trip to North Dakota puts me on the map
Kicking and hugging
This dad has a severe case of wedding belle blues
Thanks to the British, I've suffered another art attack
My vocabulary is just teeming with synergy
A brief emergency
It's time for me to come clean about my dirty ways
A ruff and ready playmate
Sticking it to bad drivers
The gravity of skiing
Warning: DO NOT READ WHILE SLEEPING!
I had fun, fun, fun till someone took my Vega away
Attack on language from Shaq to shark
Defusing the turkey bomb
Driving While Stupid
I'm living in a perpetual state of confusion
Traveling with little ones is just plane crazy
It's time to unmask a more traditional Halloween
U.S. needs to shoot for a better class of criminals
Mountain man training involves some trash talk
Ten rules for making the world a much better place
A slide down memory lane reminds me I got burned
This latest research is enough to drive you nuts
Wrestling with night critters gives me butterflies
Silly songs get this old teapot into some hot water
Kids better wise up, or they're doomed to repeat
Overweight? I'm in training for the next Ice Age
The bleu plate special proves just ducky on this trip
Just weighting for the day I can build a better body
Better to light a single gift candle than to curse your wife
These camping tips will make for some happy trails I'm shooting the rapids with eyes wide shut
People's bad grammar is enough to make me sic
Toilet water as a weapon? That idea really stinks
The carefree days of summer begin with the ants in my pants
Heartland's moovers & shakers are an udder disgrace
I've found a guy who can do this better than I can
If you really love Dad, give him a big box of nothing
Graduates, the world is your oyster and it's shut
How to look good in a swimsuit no ifs, ands or butts
Trip proves I'm the king of my own castle
The writer vs. the writher beats the Hil & Obama fight
Complain about gridlock? That's just a dead end
New phone tactics help me develop new hangups
For faithful readers, a course in Journalism $1.01
How to speak English very much better
When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up
This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel
Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty
In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate
It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels
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My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to
Sanguine ride on rabid transportation
One experiment worth repeating
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Invention clearly worth the brewhaha
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A gross national columnist
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Great American turkeys
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Lost in space
The Trojan Twinkie Caper
MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Feeding your worst fears
Sock it to 'em, sartorially
The rubber band man
Does public art make sense?
Needling the birthday boy
On calamities (in the sky and on your head)
Modern medical mysteries
Bored games
Dave's Field of Nightmares
Lewis and Clark stepped here!
The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named Tonka
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of Beowulf
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness
© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.
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