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Jewish World Review April 7, 2008 / 2 Nissan 5768 How to speak English very much better By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | It's time for another installation of "Ask Mister Language Person," the penultimate authority on grammatorical issues; the column that puts the "p-u" in punctuation; the only language column that was endorsed by both Jane Austen and William Shakespeare just before they died together in a romantic car crash. Today we regret that we must begin our column with this: TERRORIST THREAT WARNING We have received alarming information from very high sources in the federal government. Q. How high were they? A. They were wearing their underpants on their heads. According to these sources, terrorists may be planning an attack on America's linguistic infrastructure. The targets will be critical strategic phrases without which this nation cannot function, including: "Like"; "You know"; "Like you know"; "Like you know what I mean?"; "Like you know what I'm saying?"; "Have a nice day" and "Your call is very important to us." Keep a sharp ear out, and if you hear anybody using any of these phrases in a suspicious manner, you should immediately notify the attorney general. Speak directly into the fly of his briefs. We turn now to answering common language questions, starting with one sent in by an anonymous resident of Washington, who writes: Q. I am the chief justice of the United States, and I'm hoping you can settle an argument. I say the correct wording is: "My mother says to choose the very best one and you are it!" Whereas my colleagues insist that it should be: "My mother says to choose the very best one and y, o, u, spells YOU!" Please answer promptly, as this involves the death penalty. A. We put your question to the American Bar Association, which sent us a 127-page response. Q. What does it say? A. We have no idea. Q. What is the correct usage of the phrase "being as how"? A. It is correctly used as follows: "Steer clear of the gumbo, being as how Bernice can't find her hair net." Q. As far as grammar, what is the difference between "bring" and "take"? A. "Bring" is a prehensile imprecation that must be used in the vindictive tense. EXAMPLE: "Earl should of never brung Silly String to the viewing." Whereas "take" is used in fraternal exhortations. EXAMPLE: "Take a gander at THEM headlamps!" Q. As a fourth-year medical student, I am wondering if there is any way to remember the difference between "prostrate" and "prostate." A. We contacted the Mayo Clinic, which informs us that surgeons there use this simple poem: If two R's are found, it is down on the ground If one R is on hand, then it is a gland. Q. What about "transpire" vs. "perspire"? A. That one still has them stumped. Q. Do you have any true examples of strong grammar usage that you are not making up, sent in by alert readers? A. You are darned tooting: Pat Anthony sent in a letter to the editor published in the El Dorado News-Times in Arkansas, which begins as follows: "I would like to apologize for my stupid acts and irresponsible behavior. I know I shouldn't have rode my horse into town drunk, much less in Wal-Mart." Terry Zeri sent in a sign from the wall of a rest room in Fremont Lake, Wyo., which states: "THIS REST ROOM IS CLEANED BY VOLUNTEERS. PLEASE HELP US KEEP THEM CLEAN." Anne Morter sent in a police-blotter item from the Lake County Examiner in Oregon, concerning a woman arrested for allegedly abusing geese. The item states that the woman "was released under the conditions that she is to have no contact in person, by telephone or through a third party with geese." Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: When it comes to laundry, men are all washed up This houseguest is ready to throw in the towel Fixing your home can truly be a bonding experience The lies about this mammal just drive me batty In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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