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Jewish World Review March 10, 2008 / 3 Adar II 5768 The lies about this mammal just drive me batty By Dave Barry http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | There has never been a TV series where the animal hero was a bat. Why not? Why couldn't Lassie have been a bat? There could have been an episode wherein Lassie and her young master, Timmy, are frolicking around the farm, with Lassie playfully catching insects for Timmy via sonar, when suddenly ... UH-OH! Timmy is caught in the quicksand! So Lassie flits as fast as she can back to the farmhouse, where she squeaks and hurls her tiny self against the screen door until Timmy's family, realizing that something is wrong, comes running outside and kills Lassie with a rake. Because people generally hate bats. Plus they are getting sick and tired of Timmy falling into the quicksand every other week. Fortunately, there are people working on behalf of bats — people who study bats; who respect bats; who love bats; who have, on occasion, TASTED bats. A group of these people met recently in Miami for the 30th annual North American Symposium on Bat Research. On hand to provide retail diversion was a company called Speleobooks ("Cave and Bat Goods"), which was selling a wide array of bat-themed merchandise, including bat jewelry, bat candles, bat shirts, bat ties, bat baby clothes, bat sculptures, bat tissues, bat cookie molds, bat Christmas-tree ornaments, bat hot sauce and bat towels. The symposium itself was a serious affair, consisting of bat researchers presenting scientific papers on such topics as "Feeding Ecology of the Naked-Backed Bats"; "More on the Complexities of Water Hole Use by a Coloradan Bat Community"; "Common Vampire Bat Management in Nicaragua"; "Is Leptonycteris curasoae an Unreliable Pollinator?"; "Is Myotis lucifugus the Mosquito Hunter of the Night?" and of course the question that is on everyone's mind: "Do Frugivorous Bats Provide Directed Dispersal for a Large-Seeded Tropical Tree?" I talked to several bat scientists at the symposium, and here are some of the bat facts I learned: Wherever you live in the world, there are bats nearby. In fact, LOOK OUT THERE'S ONE COMING AT YOU NOW!!! No, seriously, although bats look like evil creepy demonettes from hell that want to swoop down and bite us and give us rabies, the truth is that they are generally harmless flying mammals just like us who form colonies, care for their young, go to the mall, etc. Statistically, the average bat is far less likely to be rabid than Pat Buchanan. Besides catching insects, bats play a critical role in pollinating certain plants, such as the agave, without which there would be NO TEQUILA. Even vampire bats have their human side. Researcher Ted Fleming told me that sometimes a female vampire bat will return from a successful bloodsucking trip and share her good fortune by "regurgitating to her roost mates." Awwwww. Many bat species are endangered because of humans, some of whom view bats as actual food. A researcher named Tom Kunz told me that in parts of Southeast Asia, bat soup and fried bat are considered tasty treats. In Guam, people have eaten pretty much all the bats. There's a bat shortage! You could become a bat rancher and get rich! Although you would need skilled bat wranglers. Kunz also told me that the Gubu people of Papua, New Guinea (I am not making the Gubu people up), have a big feast wherein they boil up a mess of bats, cook them over coals and then eat them whole, after which they pick little bat teeth out of their mouths. Kunz said that, as a researcher, he actually took a tiny bite of this dish. Incredibly, he did not say that it tasted like chicken. So we see that bats have really received a "raw deal" from us humans. I think that from now on, we should all remember that bats are our friends, and we should make every effort to be nice to them while remaining at a safe distance of, in my case anyway, 14 miles. Also, if we go to a restaurant in Southeast Asia, we should make darned sure we know what we are ordering. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Previously: In spin cycle of love, hard to be delicate It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to Sanguine ride on rabid transportation One experiment worth repeating Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me Invention clearly worth the brewhaha Safe on the slopes Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh… A gross national columnist Mr. Language Person: Weird word I (cough) was a teenage smoker! Frogs hop into the headlines Great American turkeys Mr. Fixit strikes again ‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative Lost in space The Trojan Twinkie Caper MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! Feeding your worst fears Sock it to 'em, sartorially The rubber band man Does public art make sense? Needling the birthday boy On calamities (in the sky and on your head) Modern medical mysteries Bored games Dave's Field of Nightmares Lewis and Clark stepped here! The ultimate water gun Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason Great moments in science This won't hurt a bit One giant leap for frogkind My visit to Nether-Netherland Smile and say cheese Shooting carps in Wisconsin The perfect storm Stickup in aisle 3 Please don't feed the tourists Land of the Frozen Earwax The birth of wail Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger Rabbit ears get poor reception Percentage of frogs in food jumps Night of the living roach Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality Mind your P's and Q's and teas Loose lips sink sequels NOW WE'RE COOKIN'! The right to Bear clubs Science: It's just not fair Road warrior specials Where's the beef? (Low fat) There is nothing like a male (guys) MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS Rooting for the midgets of the Midway Revolt of the rodents He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’ All bets are off How do you spell S-A-T? Sour grapes and mud Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories The funny side of ‘Beowulf’ HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN! Abs-olute madness Beware of brainy bugs I'm in a sorry state The frog plague: The inside story If she had a hammer…. Keeping an eye on crime Camping and Lewis and Clark When in Iowa, don't forget to duck Junior takes the wheel Growing old with Dave Sites for sore eyes Beware of sheep droppings Ireland, land of bad Elvis Mr. Peabrain's misadventures When they're out to get you, keep cool Mothers of invention Kill 'em with kindness © 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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