Home
In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Feb. 25, 2008 / 19 Adar I 5768

It's just not the time to thumb our nose at bagels

By Dave Barry


Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Get out the cocktail wieners and settle back for a pleasant "read," because it's time for our fun feature, "Body Parts Making the News."


Our first body part is featured in an article from the Seattle Times, written by Ian Ith (yes, "Ian Ith") and sent in by alert medically trained reader Christine Robertson, M.D. The article states that a janitor at a Bellevue, Wash., apartment complex saw "crows pecking at something" in the parking lot; he shooed the crows away, and saw what they had been pecking on: a human thumb.


Nobody knows how the thumb got there. One possibility, of course, is that it was originally an entire human, and the crows pecked away everything but the thumb, which they were saving for dessert.


Another possibility is that this situation was caused by a bagel. As a species, bagels have survived for thousands of years by developing highly effective defenses against being sliced. Many people try to overcome these defenses by grasping the bagel with one hand and using the other hand to attack the bagel with a sharp knife the size of a canoe paddle. A person could definitely lose a thumb this way.


In any event, the janitor, having found what was clearly a human body part, elected to handle this situation by - Crimestoppers, take note - throwing the thumb into a Dumpster. Later on, according to the Times article, he "casually mentioned" the incident to a manager. The manager called the police, who searched the Dumpster but did not find the thumb, which apparently had been taken by the crows, or had somehow managed to flee on foot. The thumb is still at large, so be on the lookout for it. The article describes it as being - and I am not making up this quote - "in good shape except for a few peck marks."


Our next item in Body Parts Making the News comes from a story in the Norwich (Conn.) Bulletin, written by Robert LeBlanc and sent in by alert reader Carol Murkett. The article is datelined Mashantucket (yes, "Mashantucket"), Conn., and begins with this riveting sentence: "A Massachusetts man was arrested Friday at Foxwoods Resort Casino and charged with stealing two human corneas."


The obvious question raised by that sentence is: Were the human corneas attached to an actual human at the time of the theft? This is not out of the question. Remember, this occurred at a casino. I have seen casino patrons so deeply engrossed in losing money that they would not notice if you amputated a good 75% of their limbs, as long as you left them one arm for yanking the slot-machine lever.


But it turned out that the corneas were inside a plastic foam box, which belonged to a medical transplant bank, and which had been stolen in Boston. In a news article the following day, the police are quoted as saying that the man charged with stealing the corneas claimed that "he thought they were lobsters."


In legal circles, this is known as "the lobster defense." Anyway, the positive side of the Mashantucket case is that the police got the box of corneas back before it wound up being sold on the black market, perhaps to some guy who thought he was getting stolen lobsters, which he intended to use to impress a hot date:


HOT DATE: What's in the box?

GUY: A little something I picked up for dinner!

HOT DATE (opening the box): Let me seeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

GUY: For dessert, we're having thumb!


Our final story in Body Parts Making the News comes from Cairns, Australia. Workers at a seafood wholesaler there called the Fine Kettle O' Fish (yes, the "Fine Kettle O' Fish") had cut open the stomach of a 97-pound cod, when - according to a newspaper report sent in by many alert readers - "a human head rolled out."


I would explain how this happened, but I'm out of space here. Let me just conclude by reassuring you that there was a perfectly simple explanation, and it had nothing to do with bagels. So be careful.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment by clicking here.


Previously:

Latest fitness Rx for men is a yawn
My daughter's party, I'll cry if I want to
Sanguine ride on rabid transportation
One experiment worth repeating
Nothing like a good trip to help me see the light
The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me
Invention clearly worth the brewhaha
Safe on the slopes
Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh…
A gross national columnist
Mr. Language Person: Weird word
I (cough) was a teenage smoker!
Frogs hop into the headlines
Great American turkeys
Mr. Fixit strikes again
‘Einstein Gap’: It's all relative
Lost in space
The Trojan Twinkie Caper
MR. LANGUAGE PERSON: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
Feeding your worst fears
Sock it to 'em, sartorially
The rubber band man
Does public art make sense?
Needling the birthday boy
On calamities (in the sky and on your head)
Modern medical mysteries
Bored games
Dave's Field of Nightmares
Lewis and Clark stepped here!
The ultimate water gun
Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason
Great moments in science
This won't hurt a bit
One giant leap for frogkind
My visit to Nether-Netherland
Smile and say cheese
Shooting carps in Wisconsin
The perfect storm
Stickup in aisle 3
Please don't feed the tourists
Land of the Frozen Earwax
The birth of wail
Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger
Rabbit ears get poor reception
Percentage of frogs in food jumps
Night of the living roach
Mr. Language Person: Some words of wisdomality
Mind your P's and Q's and teas
Loose lips sink sequels
NOW WE'RE COOKIN'!
The right to Bear clubs
Science: It's just not fair
Road warrior specials
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named ‘Tonka’
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of ‘Beowulf’
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness



© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles