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Dec. 2, 2008
Melanie Phillips: The Mumbai atrocity is a wake-up call for a frighteningly unprepared world
Stratfor Geopolitical Intelligence Report: Strategic Motivations for the Mumbai Attack
Dec. 1, 2008
Max Freidlander, as told to Jacklyn C. Wadler: India Inkings
Mark Steyn: Whodunit!?
Nov. 28, 2008
Rabbi Ahron Rapps: An evil seed that didn't have to be
Melanie Phillips: Carpe diem --- or can we all relax now?
Nov. 26, 2008
Michael Feldberg: Meet the Orthodox Jew who laid groundwork for scientific development of ordnance that undergirds America's current world leadership
Andrea Simantov:
Shades of life
Nov. 25, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Getting Emotional For Influence
The Kosher Gourmet
by Ethel G. Hofman : Thanksiving feast!
Nov. 24, 2008
Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg: 'I just Became a grandchild!'
Barry Rubin: Don't flatter your enemies, protect your friends
Nov. 21, 2008
Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: Money matters?
Caroline B. Glick:
Civilization walks the plank
Nov. 20, 2008
Rabbi Avi Shafran: Bronfman's blindness
The Kosher Gourmet
By Linda Gassenheimer: Portobellos add a hearty flavor to pasta with pesto
Nov, 19, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Spread the wealth? Jewish tradition and income equality
Elliot B. Gertel:
'Mad Men': Tackling prejudices or reinforcing them?
Nov, 18, 2008
Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn: The End of the Age of Reason
Jonathan Tobin: Does Barack + Bibi = Disaster?
Nov, 17, 2008
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The End of the Age of Reason
Diana West: Gulling Americans into making terror legit?
Nov, 14, 2008
Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: The Power of Spiritual Inertia
Caroline B. Glick: The perils ahead
Nov, 13, 2008
Stratfor Intelligence Briefing: How Bush and Obama together could change the Middle East dynamic
The Kosher Gourmet
by JeanMarie Brownson: Sweet and savory, crispy and meltingly tender bestilla
Nov, 12, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Tyrannical Co-Workers
Michael Doyle: High Court to consider today donated monuments that may have religious messages in public parks
Nov, 11, 2008
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Will Obama stop government officials considering institutionalizing financial jihad?
Jonathan Tobin: They Will Decide Their Own Fate
Nov, 10, 2008
Rabbi Avi Shafran: $8 billion, modern-day Tower of Babel being built?
Barry Rubin: A letter to the president-elect from a Middle East realist
Nov, 7, 2008
Rabbi Francis Nataf: Of Children and Immortality
Caroline B. Glick: Livni's Obama strategy
Nov, 6, 2008
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: How I tricked a classroom of apathetic students into grasping the fallacy of moral relativism
The Kosher Gourmet
By Gina Kim: Tips for making the perfect soup --- includes recipes
Nov, 5, 2008
The Jewish Ethicist
By Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Destitute Debtors
Bruce Weinstein: 'Religulos': Bad title,even worse movie
Nov, 4, 2008
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Treasury Dept. submits to Shariah law
Frida Ghitis: A surprise for Obama in the Middle East
Nov, 3, 2008
Jonathan Rosenblum: Who says Jews are Smart?
Jonathan Tobin:
Was He Wrong About Everything?
March 22, 2007
J-Rhythms with Avraham Rosenblum: JWR's cutting-edge music program showcasing performers -- singers, song writers, musicians, and bands -- who learn and live the Torah lifestyle (OUR NEWEST IGODCAST !)
Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)
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Jewish World Review
Jan. 22, 2007
/ 3 Shevat, 5767
Road warrior specials
By
Dave Barry
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Here's the problem: If you stop 100 people at random and ask them to evaluate their driving ability, every single one will say, "above average." It is a scientific fact that all drivers, including those who are going the wrong way on interstate highways, believe they are above average.
Obviously, this is impossible: Some drivers have to be below average. Not me, of course. I am currently ranked fourth among the top drivers in world history, between Mario Andretti and Spartacus. But there are many incompetent people out there on the roads, changing speed and direction without warning or drifting along in the left, or "passing," lane at 23 m.p.h., blinking their turn signals, which they never turn off, even in the garage. These people make me crazy, which is why I am so excited about the car harpoon.
I found out about the car harpoon from an Associated Press item, sent to me by many alert readers, concerning the police in the town of Oulu, Finland. Finland (also known as "Norway") is a northern European nation that also contains a city named "Espoo" (suggested civic motto: "The City That Sounds Like A Person Spitting").
You might think that the biggest traffic menace in Finland would be unlicensed reindeer, but the Oulu police have a problem with speeders and drunk drivers who refuse to stop. That's why police Sgt. Markku Limingoja invented the car harpoon. This is a missile-shaped object, equipped with hydraulically activated barbs, that sticks several feet out from the front bumper of the police car. The idea is that if the police are chasing somebody, they ram the harpoon into the fleeing car's trunk, activate the barbs to keep the two cars stuck together, then use their brakes to stop both vehicles.
We definitely need the car harpoon over here. Of course, we'd have to modify the concept slightly, as follows:
1. It would not be limited to police cars. It would also be available as an option on cars operated by qualified civilian drivers such as (needless to say) yourself.
2. The civilian model car harpoonwhich I assume would be marketed under the name "Carpoon"would contain additional features, including a powerful public-address system.
The Carpoon would greatly enhance the driving experience. Envision this scenario: You're behind a bad driver stopped at a traffic light. The light turns green, but the bad driver does not move. He was completely unprepared for the fact thathow the heck would anybody know this?red would be followed by green. He's sitting there, baffled, like a person watching a drive-in movie with a very complicated plot. You honk your horn, but this has no effect on the bad driver; people are always honking at him, and he never knows why.
Suddenly-WHAMthe bad driver feels a jolt. Then he hears a very loud voiceyour voicecoming from inside his car, saying: "Excuse me! The light is green! You can go now!" This announcement would be followed, after a courtesy interval of one-tenth of a second, by tear gas.
As a motorist, I want a Carpoon now. And I'll tell you what else I want: a Tire Assault Vehicle. This is a real device that was featured in a publication called NASA Tech Briefs, sent in by alert reader Robert Stolpe. The Tire Assault Vehicle, or TAV, is designed to protect humans from high-pressure aircraft tires that might explode. Basically, the TAV is a remote-controlled model tank that has been modified to incorporate a video camera on top and an electric drill sticking out the front. The operator, from a safe distance, drives the TAV up to an aircraft tire and drills a hole in it, safely letting out the air.
You know how sometimes you're trying to find a space in a crowded parking lot, and you come to a car that some jerk has deliberately parked diagonally across two spaces? Can you imagine the satisfaction you'd experience if, without even having to leave the comfort and safety of your car, you could drill holes in the jerk's tires?
But that would be wrong. Property destruction is not the solution. No, it would be better to take a deep breath, calm down, wait patiently until the jerk returns to his car, and then drill holes in his shins.
Wouldn't that be great? That's why you need to tell your federal government to stop nattering about air bags and start providing you, the above-average driver, with the Tire Assault Vehicle, the Carpoon and other technology (I am not ruling out nuclear weapons) that you can really use. So don't wait! Write to your congressperson now! Also, press the accelerator, OK? The light is green.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
Previously:
Where's the beef? (Low fat)
There is nothing like a male (guys)
MOTIVATE! THEN FAIL! NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Rooting for the midgets of the Midway
Revolt of the rodents
He can drive any truck named Tonka
All bets are off
How do you spell S-A-T?
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of Beowulf
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness
© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.
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