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Jewish World Review Nov. 9, 2007 / 28 Mar-Cheshvan 5768 Note To TV Writers — DON'T SETTLE! I need the excuse By Steve Young http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | With most striking TV and film writers nearly 3,000 miles away from Philadelphia, you would think that the writer strike wouldn't have much affect on the city that brought you Edgar Allen Poe and Ernie Kovacs. After all, they're all either dead or stuck in someone's attic trunk. For the time being, we can depend on the Philadelphia Eagles for fresh improvised comedy - dark, very dark, comedy - every week. But as a WGA member, recently relocated to the City of Brotherly Love, the strike is terribly meaningful to me and most other guild members residing in the area. Oh, sure, I told everyone that the strike is killing me and that I moved back to the Philly homeland because the Internet afforded me access to my craft while allowing me to afford more than a one bedroom condo for under two million. And of course, there's the kids. I wanted my precious 12 and 14 year olds to be able to grow up normally, outside the fast life of oneupmanship ego. And you can get tired of the wild Hollywood parties, none of which I was ever invited to. But, truth be known, at their age and in a youth-obsessed industry, my kids are more competition than they are adorable. The actual reason for moving back is that the odds against a professional television writer writing professionally are longer than most series last. Sure I wrote on highly successful series like "Maybe This Time," Marie Osmond's series that lasted nearly a whole three months before cancellation (before she discovered that she was better at passing out than acting) and the new "Family Affair," that was far less fortunate than MTT. But the odds of getting hired on most TV gigs (WGA membership allows you use the word "gig" during the strike) get longer the shorter the distance between you and forty. And when you pass forty, as we all know, the brain dies. Or so the network executive who used to play with my kids told me. They call it youthenasia. The fear that you'll get old before you die. Oh, you can try and fake 'em out and hide the aging process. I would never pitch an idea unless I was lying on the floor so that the loose skin on the front of my face would fall to the back of my head. But as l ong as younger people continue to be born and invade the writing world we are all faced with the inevitable. Unless, of course, we kill them first. But that would be unseemly and should be used as only a last resort. But this is why the strike itself is good, especially to those of us in who have passed the forty-year-old-good-as-dead age with little chance of being hired for a TV gig, except if Mike Douglas ever comes back. Really comes back. A strike has given most writers a wonderful rationale for unemployment. "Damn this damned strike. Now how do I feed my kids?" Second, we get to sound like a radical, the dream of every writer. I haven't felt radical since the late '60s peace marches ... er, um ... which my parents told me about, because I'm really very much under 40 and still capable of coming up with a youthful and hep-to-the-jive concept. Third, and most important, it gives us a cool explanation for why we never get any work. Do you know how valuable that is to a writer? Do you know what it's like to have your 80-year-old mother (she had me when she was around 55) asking every other day, "How are you making it?" "Have you heard anything from that Spielberg boy yet?" "Why don't you become an exotic dancer like your sister? She makes good money." Sorry, been there. Done that. "I wanted to be a writer and, dammit, Mother, a writer I am!" ... is what I've thought of saying to her many times. And now, for the first time in my career, I have the opportunity to answer my mother's questions with more than just petty excuses. Now it's an excuse filled with honor and passion. Cross the picket line? Over my dead script-writing program. Fourth. A strike gives me something no strike settlement could buy...pity. The plain, unadulterated sense of "There's nothing I can do about it. They just won't let me write." At last, I can hold my head high up high, carrying the "What about my kids" strike sign? I can finally go back to my high school reunions and explain, bitterly, passionately, proudly, that "I am a writer just like Larry Gelbart and David Kelly, but they just won't let us work!" And above all that, I no longer have to feel so pathetic when my sister mails me her lapdance tips. It's not too late to do something about it. I beseech my brethren and sistren writers: Don't vote for a settlement, no matter how you think it will employ your friend who might hire you. He's hasn't had a show in five years and he's already relocated to Buck County. It's time for every unemployed writer to run out into the street, puff out your chest and let your voice be heard. "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!" Only you should change it enough so no one will know you stole it from Paddy. Try, "I'm angry as all get out and, damnit, I'm not going to accept this thing happening again!" Yep. It's nice to be back. Now, let's see what hilarity ensues on this week's Eagles' sitcom. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. JWR contributor Steve Young is an award-winning TV writer and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful". Comment by clicking here. © 2007, Steve Young

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