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Jewish World Review Oct. 31, 2007 / 19 Mar-Cheshvan 5768 All the News That's Fit to Spoof By Steve Young
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Dateline: The Mall
14 Year Old Girl: Like, I'm sorry my divorced Dad couldn't get away from
his new girlfriend and my manic-depressive mom couldn't get out of bed
fast enough to be here at the Food Court in time, but like even if I
didn't get in their grill early enough, like, they still should have
known. Gosh. First question...
"Parent": How hot do you feel hanging out four hours a night in front of
Hot Topics? I mean, does it affect your school work and junk?
14YOG: Duh. I'm doing as well as I need to do. I mean, like what do I
need math and science for. And I already know enough English to talk
good.
"Parent": Kewl.
"Parent II": Wanna hook up?
14YOG: Shu-up. Okay, but only if my mom and dad say it's okay. Mom and
Dad...?
"Mom and Dad": That'd be tight.
O.J. Simpson: Glad most of you could make it to my release party for "If
I Did Threaten The Crap Out of That Sports Merchandiser." I'm sorry to
say that the Goldmans and Browns won't be able to get here in time, but
I'm expected at the first tee in five minutes, so, tough. Yes,
Reporter: Why were you set up in Vegas?
Simpson: Why don't you ask the Vegas Police Department or better yet, the
LAPD? Never mind, I'm sure there are some of them right here.
Detective...
Detective Al Cowlings: Is it true that Mark Furhrman planted the guns on
your co-defendants who have turned states evidence to get lighter
sentences?
Simpson: If I had to make a bet, yes. And I truly believe you'll find the
answer lies in the life of Faye Resnick. Right Faye?
"Resnick": Yes. And yes, I did it.
Simpson: Fore!
Hillary: To those of you who were here when we told you we would be
holding this press conference at the moment we finished telling you we
would be having it, thank you for being prompt. Please feel free to ask
any question the media would have asked if we had been here to ask them.
"Media Person": How long has the presidential race, that for all intense
and purposes has been over, been over?
Hillary: (Guffaw) Oh, Bill. You are such a kidder...and, might I add, an
insightful questioner. We feel that the race has been over the moment I
entered the race. James...?
"Reporter": Jim Carville, Daily Kissup. How come y'all not a divider?
Hillary (Louder Guffaw): I guess it's because the only people who
wouldn't vote for me, wouldn't vote for me anyway. That's not being a
divider. That's being the person with so much money I don't have to take
a side on any issue, even when I'm on both sides of it.
Rudy: Last question.
"Reporter": 9-11?
Guiliani: 9-11. And to all of the media. 9-11. Thanks for not needing to
be here. 9-11.
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JWR contributor Steve Young is an award-winning TV writer and author of "Great Failures
of the Extremely Successful". Comment by clicking here.
© 2007, Steve Young
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Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
