Jewish World Review Oct. 8, 1998 /18 Tishrei, 5759
Sibling Conflict Not A Scream For Parents
By Dr. Wade F. Horn
Q: I am the father of two children, ages 10 and 13. Although they are both
basically good kids, at home they are constantly arguing and bickering with each
other. Is there anything I can do to help them get along?
A: Almost 80% of us grow up with at least one brother or sister, making
sibling relationships among the most important any of us will ever have. When
things go well, siblings provide us with support, encouragement, friendship, and
camaraderie. And not just when we are children, but also when we are adults. Indeed, adult happiness
is largely dependent upon a supportive network of extended family, the seeds for which
are sown in the day to day interactions of siblings during childhood.
Unfortunately, sibling relationships are also among the most
competitive we will ever experience. Ever since Cain and Able, siblings have been competing with
each other for status, for power, and for affection. And like Cain and Able, sibling
rivalry can turn violent. According to research reported at a recent meeting of the American
Psychological Association, 65 percent of a sample of 202 college students said they had
experienced some sibling physical abuse, resulting in injuries to 17 percent of that group,
with 4 percent requiring a visit to a physician.
Sibling rivalry can be an enormous source of frustration for parents.
Being exposed to arguing, complaining, whining, and tattling is never pleasant. It is
even less so when it occurs within the context of the family, a place where we are suppose to
encounter respite, not bitterness.
Fortunately, there are ways to effectively managing sibling rivalry.
Here's what you can do:
Don't compare. One of the primary reasons for sibling rivalry is
plain old-fashioned jealousy. Comparing one sibling with another in their presence only
builds resentment and encourages further competition. If you must make
comparisons, do so in private, and even then only with your spouse.
Be clear on what are acceptable, and what are unacceptable, ways of
expressing disagreements. Expecting siblings never to have disagreements is
like expecting the sun will someday rise in the west; in other words, it ain't gonna
happen. The key to managing sibling rivalry is not to demand its absence, but to set its
ground rules. Be clear on what you will allow, such as expressing verbally (and in a
moderate tone) one's dissatisfaction or frustration with the behavior of the other,
as well as what you will not allow, such as hitting or name calling.
Don't be too quick to step in. When your kids argue or experience
conflict, give them some time to figure out how best to resolve the conflict on
their own. This way, sibling conflict becomes a potential learning experience in how
to manage and resolve disagreements. If you jump in too quickly, they will come to
rely on you to resolve all their conflicts for them.
Don't try to play detective. If you must step in, don't try to
establish blame. This will only intensify the conflict and build resentment in the one who
is "blamed."
Since it is unlikely in sibling conflict that either is truly
blameless, it is better to hold
both accountable when conflict and arguments arise. In our house,
when the
arguments of my two teenage daughters start to spiral out of control,
I use the
occasion to dish out household chores. Not only does this separate
the combatants,
but I get some much needed help around the house!
Provide lots of compliments. The best intervention is prevention.
One way to
prevent, or at least minimize, sibling rivalry is to give each child
lots of attention for
things that each does uniquely well. Just be careful that praise for
one child, is not
received as criticism of the other. For example, do not say, "Gee
Christen, you
really did a good job on your math homework. Caroline, how come you
can't do as
good a job on your math homework?" Especially be on the lookout for
opportunities
to praise sibling cooperation and effective conflict resolution.
Model what you preach. If you and your spouse model positive ways of
handling
your own conflicts and arguments, your kids will be more likely to do
so as well.
Remember: the best sermon is a good example.
Don't automatically blame the older child. Many parents view younger
kids as
"victims" in sibling conflict. While it is reasonable to expect more
mature behavior
from older children, it is important to keep in mind that younger
siblings often have
developed well-honed skills for irritating their older counterparts.
So when you do
discipline, discipline both.
Don't respond to tattling. Responding to tattling only begets more
tattling. So,
unless you actually enjoy hearing your kids whine and complain about
each other, set
a "no tattling" rule. With one exception: dangerous behavior. The
prime directive in
every household should be safety.
Insist that siblings respect each other's personal belongings.
Establish a household
rule that no one should ever take anything that belongs to someone
else without their
permission. Everyone deserves to have their personal property
respected and to have
a certain amount of personal "space." Even when siblings share a
bedroom, make
sure it is clear what is community property and space, and what is
not.
Sibling rivalry has always been with us, and always will. Having
grown up in a
family with five brothers and a sister, I know only too well how intense
sibling competition
can be. And as the parent of two teenagers relatively close in age, I know
all too well the
exasperation parents feel when hearing the screams of two teenagers going at
one another.
But just because a certain amount of sibling rivalry is inevitable
doesn't mean that
parents can not manage it. In fact, effective management of sibling rivalry
can turn what is
frequently a difficult, frustrating, and painful experience into an
opportunity for learning
effective conflict resolution skills and the value of cooperation over raw
competition.
And take heart. Despite the countless and often heated conflict I
had with my
brothers when growing up, today I count among my closest friends the two I
fought with the
most when I was a child. Have confidence that someday, the same can be true
of those
screaming kids in your
JWR contributor Dr. Wade F. Horn is President of the
National Fatherhood Initiative and
co-author of The
Better Homes and Gardens New Father Book. Send your question about dads,
children or
fatherhood to him C/O JWR
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