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Jewish World Review Nov. 19, 2010 / 12 Kislev, 5771 What really defines being a grown-up? By Betsy Hart http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The family edition of the game "TableTopics" consists of a few hundred cards with conversation-starting questions like "What do you worry about the most?" and "What would you like to change about your school?" My kids and I can go at this forever. It's a fun way to dig a little deeper into each other's lives. Every once in a while something really interesting gets put out there. One of the "TableTopics" questions asked at dinner this week was: "How do you know when you're grown-up?" Responses ranged from "You have to pay the bills" to, of course, it's when you "get to do anything you want to do." I, for one, once had adulthood defined to me as "the first Christmas you are no longer a 'net receiver.' " That's a sure sign. But what really defines being a grown-up? It used to be marriage. Yet record numbers of those in their 20s and 30s live what seems to be an extended adolescence in their parents' basements, remaining single and hooking up for sexual experiences. And not behaving very ... grown-up. Still, many others who take some of the more traditional steps -- like getting married, at whatever age -- don't behave very grown-up in how they handle those relationships, and often end up selfishly ending them. So maybe marriage is no longer as reliable a bellwether as it used to be. Anyway, as I thought about it all, it seemed to me that my youngest child's comment, that being a grown-up is when you get to do anything you want, is the key to, well, what being a grown-up isn't. In other words, of course that comment came from a child. "Doing whatever one wants" may be the ultimate childhood fantasy. Which then suggests that becoming a grown-up means quite the opposite. I think you know when you are a grown-up when you are increasingly able to put the needs of others -- and your commitments to others -- before yourself. And I don't mean necessarily in some global sense, by, say, recycling or sending money to relief efforts overseas. Those might be fine things, but don't really "cost" us anything. Being a grown-up costs something. In the day-to-day life of dealing with others -- most especially our marriage partners and children -- are we able to put their well-being -- not necessarily their wants and desires -- ahead of our own? Are we willing to pay that cost? Or do we more consistently focus on whether that person is meeting our needs? It's clear to me that we live in an increasingly non-grown-up culture. One where our decisions are based less on what's right and more on what will make us happy in the moment -- even if it's at the expense of something or someone else. Look, I fully admit that I'm perfectly capable of the latter. But I increasingly find that it's the former that brings me the most satisfaction, joy and sense of significance. It seems that being a grown-up pays its own rewards. I also think it's no accident that, at least for many of us, having children finally makes us grow up -- although sometimes kicking and screaming. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. JWR contributor Betsy Hart, a frequent commentator on CNN and the Fox News Channel, can be reached by clicking here. BUY BETSY'S BOOK "It Takes a Parent : How the Culture of Pushover Parenting is Hurting Our Kids — and What to Do About It"   "Hart urges parents to focus...on instilling industry, frugality, sincerity and humility. She encourages parents to reclaim the word "no." Contrary to advice you may have received, you needn't give your child choices, or offer alternatives, or explain to little Suzie why she can't eat eight cookies right before bed-you're the parent, and sometimes you can just say no."   —   Kirkus Reports Sales help fund JWR. Betsy Hart Archives © 2007, Scripps Howard News Servic

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