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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Oct. 26, 2012/ 10 Mar-Cheshvan, 5773

Why women need to be pursued, not be pursuers

By Betsy Hart



http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | "When a man loves a woman, he can't keep his mind on nothin' else; he'll trade the world for the good things he's found."
        — Percy Sledge

Just before my wedding (Oct. 13!) I wrote that I had learned Tom and I were considered "deciders" not "sliders."

That according to Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, who told me that his research has shown that "often couples who live together report that their cohabiting 'just happened.' " It's then not uncommon for the same thing to happen with a marriage itself, meaning inertia keeps them in a relationship that had they been living apart, would have ended. They "slide" into marriage, versus overtly "deciding" about it.

Stanley says this is one reason that couples that live together before marriage or engagement are statistically less likely to be happy in marriage than those who did not cohabit ahead of time.

Here's the "Part Two" I promised in that column.

No surprise, couples that live together before marriage or engagement are more likely to experience what's called "commitment asymmetry" than those who do not live together before marriage. That means one is a "slider" and the other a "decider." Usually, Stanley's research shows, when there is a difference in commitment level between two persons in such a marriage two-thirds of the time it's the woman who is the "decider" and the fellow who was the "slider."

No surprise.

Anyway I've long said that girls shouldn't call boys, to use my mother's terminology. And I always ended relationships in which I didn't feel pursued by the fellow. In fact, I think there should be a little asymmetry at least at the beginning of a relationship. I just wasn't quite sure why. I do know that if you are at a dinner party with 10 married couples talking about how they met, we love the stories of the fellow having to pursue his love over her objections, sleeping on her doorstep until she gave in and said "yes," etc. It's romantic. But if a wife said, "I had to be gum on his shoe until he finally said 'yes'" -- we'd cringe.

Now I get it.

"Forget gender for a minute and think about who can become pregnant," Stanley told me. "The person who can become pregnant is more vulnerable if they 'misdecode' the commitment level of their partner."

Eureka! The person who can bear children is more vulnerable to the other one leaving than vice versa. This isn't some false social construct. It's about reality.

Because women bear children, just biologically speaking, they need to be "extra" sure of the commitment level of their partner. (That's also true for all those single moms out there looking for a man to marry.) That's why we women instinctually look -- or should look -- for a man to pursue us at least at the outset. Biologically, we need to be sure of him, and his initial courting of us toward marriage may be one strong signal that that commitment is there.

Or, put another way for a little more clarity, if when it comes to marriage we women have to pursue him, threaten him or rely on inertia in a living-together scenario to get him to the altar, we can be darn sure his commitment level isn't high. And guess what? It's not very likely to improve over time. As Stanley puts it, "transition is not transformation."

For women -- excuse me, to make this gender neutral, the one in the relationship who can bear children -- to settle for such a relationship is apparently uniquely destructive. I would say: hare-brained.

People who are in asymmetrical relationships before marriage are typically more able to end the romance and find a more suitable partner if they are not living together. That's one important lesson.

The other lesson is: Girls shouldn't call boys.

Gosh, Mom was smart.

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