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Jewish World Review Dec. 29, 1999 /20 Teves, 5760

Don Feder

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Who shouldn't be voting

http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- FOR THOSE whose taste runs to the sardonic, Ed McCormick of Providence, R.I., has performed a public service. McCormick has produced a "You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Vote If ..." calendar for the year 2000.

Each month is illustrated with a cartoon identifying individuals who should not be permitted within a mile of a polling place.

January: "You shouldn't be allowed to vote if ... You've ever stood outside 'The Today Show' Window." October: "You shouldn't be allowed to vote if ... You know what time Jerry Springer is on."

Liberals, whose religion is electoral participation, will not be amused. For them, if you've reached your 18th birthday and are sentient, your involvement is vital to the democratic process. (Among other travesties, this has led to prison inmates voting in some states.)

Still, at the risk of political incorrectness, McCormick's format has infinite possibilities.

Of course, there are the obvious. You shouldn't be allowed to vote if: You can't speak English, your residence is a heating grate or packing crate, or your employment is standing on a street with a styrofoam cup for change. You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you're a male, under 25 years of age, wear a baseball cap backward and have an earring, a nosering or a visible tattoo. Ditto if you're a female under 25 who sprinkles her conversation with "like" and "uh."

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if: You think Kwanzaa is an authentic holiday, Wicca is a real religion, pro wrestling is a sport or Rosie O'Donnell is deep.

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you read the horoscope in your newspaper before the editorial pages, you've ever called the Psychic Friends Hotline or you'd rather play miniature golf than watch to a candidate debate.

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you think a condom is the answer to adolescent sex, legalization is the answer to the drug plague, gun control is the answer to crime, more spending is the answer to the education crisis, welfare is the answer to poverty, subsidized housing is the answer to homelessness or Al Gore is the answer to anything.

You should not be allowed to vote if you habitually mistake your government for your mother, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. You should not be allowed to vote if you believe the business of government is compassion rather than justice.

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you think animals have rights but unborn human beings do not.

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you don't know the meaning of "original intent," what happened in Tiananmen Square in 1989 or what the First Amendment actually says. If you think the phrase "separation of church and state" appears anywhere in the Constitution, you most certainly should not be allowed to cast a ballot.

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if your favorite movie of 1999 was "American Pie," "South Park," "American Beauty" or "Dogma."

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you think government should subsidize obscene or sacrilegious art but not provide scholarships for poor children trying to escape public schools that resemble Grozny at happy hour.

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you believe there's something called "government money" which exists in a state of nature rather than being squeezed from the hides of working Americans. You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you think taxes are too low, regulations are too few or teachers are underpaid.

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you can't locate Kosovo on a map but are convinced that our bombing of Belgrade was the greatest thing since the Normandy invasion.

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you think the religious right or the militia movement is more of a threat to our fundamental freedoms than judges who, disregarding popular sovereignty and electoral mandates, legislate from the bench.

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you think the Clinton impeachment was about sex and not about multiple felonies committed by the nation's chief law-enforcement officer.

You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you think Bill Clinton is, in the immortal words of Al Gore, "one of our greatest presidents." You shouldn't be allowed to vote if you've taken the president at his word -- at any time since Jan. 20, 1993.

Finally, if you are so humor-deficient that you take offense at this column, you should spend Nov. 7, 2000 on a miniature-golf course.

JWR contributing columnist Don Feder's latest book is Who's Afraid of the Religious Right. Comment on his column by clicking here.


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©1999, Creators Syndicate