Here's my holiday wish list:
Dear Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton,
Please accept my apology for launching into a racist tirade against two black hecklers at my comedy show. Because I attacked two blacks in particular, I know this means I harbor deep-seated racist feelings about all blacks. While, in return, I heard words like "f -ing white boy" and "cracker-ass motherf -er," I know those epithets were directed toward me, as an individual, and not at the entire white race.
Again, please accept my deepest apologies.
Michael Richards, aka "Kramer" of "Seinfeld"
Dear Anti-Defamation League,
Once again, please accept my apology for calling Jews "Hymies" and referring to New York City as "Hymie-town." As I said at the time, "Charge it to my head . . . not to my heart."
Sincerely, Rev. Jesse Jackson
Dear NAACP, Urban League and Congress of Racial Equality,
Please accept my apology for, during concerts in which I sang my song "Gold Digger," giving whites permission to sing along and use the "n-word." Perhaps Michael Richards attended one of my concerts and left not realizing his license had expired.
Kanye West, hip-hop artist/rapper
Dear Jewish Defense League, Korean-American Grocer Association and Council on American-Islamic Relations,
Please accept my apology for, while serving as a Wal-Mart spokesperson, condemning Jewish, Korean and Arab inner-city merchants for "overcharging" blacks. I also inexcusably said that these merchants sell "stale bread and bad meat and wilted vegetables." Charge that to my head, not my heart.
Sincerely yours, Andrew Young, former U.N. ambassador for the United States, former mayor of Atlanta and former colleague of Martin Luther King, Jr.
Dear Democratic National Committee,
During the recent election cycle, the Republican Party ran a number of blacks among them Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele for Senate, Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell for governor, and Lynn Swann for governor in Pennsylvania. So please accept my apology for saying Republicans have a "white-boy attitude," which means "I must exclude, denigrate and leave behind."
Sincerely yours, Donna Brazile, former Al Gore 2000 campaign manager
Dear White Community,
Please accept my apology for my statement during the 2002 "Millions for Reparations" rally: "I just might walk up to the nearest white man and say, 'You don't understand this, this is a black thing,' and slap 'em, just for my mental health. If they don't pay us reparations now, we're talking about scorched earth." There goes my head!
Sincerely yours, Charles Barron, New York City councilman
Dear Anti-Defamation League,
Please accept my apology. I lost my temper during my husband's unsuccessful 1974 congressional campaign. Bill's campaign adviser, Paul Fray, and his wife publicly claim that I called Fray a "f -ing Jew bastard." I don't recall this, but assuming I did, what was I thinking? It wasn't my heart.
Sincerely yours, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton
Dear Jesse Jackson and local Little Rock, Ark., black activist Robert "Say" McIntosh,
Former Arkansas State Trooper Larry Patterson publicly claimed I referred to the two of you as "n gers." Ditto what Hillary just said.
Sincerely, Former President of the United States Bill Clinton
Dear Ward Connerly and anyone in an interracial relationship,
When you led the successful campaign in California to end race-based preferences, I criticized you, a black man, saying, "He's married a white woman. He wants to be white. He wants a colorless society. He has no ethnic pride. He doesn't want to be black." My bad.
Sincerely, Rep. Diane Watson, D-Calif.
Dear Republican National Committee,
Please accept my apology for saying, after the Republicans took over Congress in 1994, "It's not 'spic' or 'n ger' anymore. They say 'let's cut taxes.'" Also, I apologize for, following Katrina, publicly saying, "George Bush is our Bull Connor" referring to the former Birmingham, Ala., police commissioner, who turned water hoses and dogs on civil rights workers. My head and heart were clashing.
Rep. Charlie Rangel, D-N.Y., incoming House Ways and Means Committee chairman
Dear Anti-Defamation League and White Community,
Please accept my apologies for calling whites "interlopers" and referring to Jews as "diamond merchants," and, during a conflict between Jews and blacks, saying, "If the Jews want to get it on, tell them to pin their yarmulkes back and come over to my house." They were mistakes of the head, not the heart.
Rev. Al Sharpton, civil rights activist and former host of "Saturday Night Live"
Dear Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice and other minority members of the Bush administration,
Please accept my apology for, while co-hosting a radio show in 2001, calling Bush's minority appointees "Uncle Tom types." I made a mistake of the head, not of the heart.
Sincerely yours, Gloria Allred, attorney at law, currently representing the black "victims" of Michael Richards' racist rant
Now, don't we all feel better?