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Jewish World Review
Dec. 1, 2006
/ 10 Kislev 5767
Attention Imbecilic Drivers: Read This!
Okay, I'm going to say this one last time. DRIVERS, USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS. I'm really getting fed up with having to tell you people this! What the hell is the matter with you all? Too busy talking on the phone? Having trouble concentrating on where you're going? Too busy listening to that crap you play at distortingly high volume? Are you just plain stupid or what? What is your problem with this? Operating the little turn signal switch (located on the column of your steering wheel not all that hard to find) is really easy. No, honestly. It is REALLY easy! Here are some handy, dandy instructions for you if you can't figure it out for yourself.
1. First, be sure you are sitting behind the steering wheel of your car. That would be on the driver's side.
2. Look on both sides of the steering column until you find a short, thin little handle sticking out. This might be a bit tricky since different auto manufacturers install this switch on different sides. You may have to search around until you locate it. Take it easy, don't rush or panic, you will find it eventually. Hint: It is generally located on either the right or left side of the column and not in the back or directly in front.
3. Now that you've found the turn signal switch you need to figure out which direction is "right" and which direction is "left." Unless you're driving an English-drive vehicle, the "right" is located over in the general direction of the front seat passenger side. The "left" is in the direction of the side window nearest you. Practice finding your "right" from your "left" several times until you're absolutely sure you know it. Caution: you CANNOT read any further until you've mastered the "left"/"right" direction. Only after you've gotten this part figured out, may you move on to the rest of the steps.
4. Once you've mastered your left from your right and you know where the automobile turn signal is located, you should congratulate yourself you now possess more skill than 70% of the drivers currently on the road. But wait. There's more that you need to know before you are qualified to use turn signals.
5. Now you need to decide when the ideal time would be to actually use the turn signal. Although from a purely mechanical standpoint you could conceivably use the turn signal at any time, it is generally a good idea to use it only when actually turning. A "turn" is defined as any action by a moving vehicle which will direct the vehicle into a direction different from the direction in which the vehicle had been previously going. For example, let's say you are traveling north and you would like to change the direction of the automobile to west, that action would constitute what is commonly known as "a turn." And not just any turn, but a turn to the "left."
6. To make your turn to the "left," first find your turn signal switch (remember?).
7. Put your hand on it.
8. Push the switch in a DOWNWARD direction. If you've done this correctly you should hear a "tick, tick, tick" sound emanating from somewhere in your dashboard. Don't be alarmed! This is normal. It will happen every time you use your turn signal.
9. Turn left. Ideally you have used your turn signal BEFORE you have actually turned. If this is not the case then you have incorrectly used your signal. You need to understand that it does other drivers on the road absolutely no good to know that you have turned left AFTER you have turned left. For this thing to work properly for all concerned you need to signal BEFORE you turn. Right this down and memorize it.
10. To turn to the "right" simply repeat the above instructions but substitute the DOWNWARD direction of the turn signal switch to an UPWARD direction in step number 8.
11. You need to repeat this process each and every time before you turn your car into another direction while driving. Don't be afraid to make a mistake it happens to the best of us. Remember, practice makes perfect. And don't forget, when using a turn signal even an imbecile has at least a 50/50 chance of getting it right, even if it's only a guess.
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JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. A freelance writer in Southern California, you may contact him by clicking here.
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© 2006, Greg Crosby