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Jewish World Review
Nov. 17, 2006
/ 26 Mar-Cheshvan 5767
Bad taste merchants strike again
If you haven't heart yet, there's a new book coming out just in time for the holidays. Better put it on your gift giving lists to family and friends because this is the book that will brighten up just about everyone's spirits at Christmastime this year. Whether it's Christmas or Hanukkah, this is the gift for everyone. Yes, you guessed it - O. J. Simpson has written a new book called "If I Did It" which will detail how he would have committed the killings of his wife, Nicole, and Ron Goldman "IF," that is, he had actually done it.
Of course we all know Simpson really didn't do the murders so this book is just kind of all in fun. A real holiday hoot. Just light-hearted whimsical speculation of how he "might" have slaughtered his ex-wife - y'know, the mother of his two youngest children. I wonder if Simpson's kids will get a kick out of reading it. Hey, nice book, dad! Way to go!
Oh yeah, the perfect book for the holidays. This is just the kind of book that would make for a fun read on a cold winter's night as you snuggle in your overstuffed chair next to a warm fire, right? Maybe a little bedtime story for the kids, what do you think? Or how about this - after dinner the family could gather around in the parlor, sing a few seasonal carols, then dad could read a few passages from jolly old O. J.'s book out loud. It might start a new kind of family holiday tradition.
ReganBooks, an imprint of HarperCollins, is publishing the book. And to squeeze out all the hype they can, Publisher Judith Regan will be doing a two-part interview with Simpson on the Fox network to run on two consecutive days just after Thanksgiving. Just a little extra turkey for those who haven't had enough. I can imagine the hard hitting questions Judith will be asking Simpson. "So, if YOU were going to cut Nicole's throat, would you have chosen a large butcher knife or a smaller switchblade?" "How would you rate the killings on a scale of one to ten?" "How do you suppose the murders could have been done better?"
I'm sure Judith Regan is smart enough to garner all the publicity she can out of this thing. She certainly has timed it right since Christmastime is the hottest selling season of the year. It seems only natural for her to take advantage of the big toy selling period. It wouldn't surprise me to find out that she has assembled a massive merchandising program behind this "event." Some of the more obvious licensed products might include the following:
1. O.J. and Nicole and Ron Goldman action figures. The Nicole and Ron dolls come complete with authentic knife wounds. Knife, gloves, and blood sold separately.
2. "If I Did It:" - the board game. Follow the path through Brentwood right along with O.J. as he drives his white Bronco along the route taken on the fateful night.
3. Official licensed O.J. knife.
4. White Bronco battery-operated toy SUV (disguise and bag of get-away money sold separately)
5. "If I Did It" wearing appeal. To include T-shirts, O.J. P.J.'s, sweats, and running shoes.
6. "If I Did It" computer and video games
7. Full range of children's book product including comics, coloring and activity books, and a special O.J. pop-up book.
8. "Tickle Me Kato"
9. Official O.J. leather glove (only one)
10. Official O.J. Bruno Magli murder shoes (comes in extra large size only)
The Judith Regan "If I Did It" interview with O.J. should be followed up with a weekly
Show. Maybe a reality "At Home With O.J." show. Or "Dancing With Star Murderers." There might even be a movie in this, with O.J. playing himself. I guess we'd have to use actors for Nicole and Ron since they're not available.
There is definitely room for follow-up books. The Simpson kids could write, "If Our Dad Did It." Then Simpson could write another one called, "Okay, dammit -I Did it!" Since he has already been tried and found "not guilty" he can now admit that he really did do it without fear of punishment. That's the law.
Yup, this is shaping up to be an O.J. Holiday Season. So follow O.J.'s example, avoid the rush and do your Christmas chopping early. Happy Homicide, everyone!
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JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. A freelance writer in Southern California, you may contact him by clicking here.
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© 2006, Greg Crosby