Home
In this issue
Nov. 6, 2009
Rabbi Berel Wein: Choosing to hear
JWisdom.com Zero to 1/60th: How to Empower An Hour with Gavriel Aryeh Sande (7 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick The mullahs' big week
Suzanne Fields A Fallen Wall for Fallen Man
Nov. 5, 2009
The Kosher Gourmet: Three scrumptious -- but simple -- butternut squash dishes
JWisdom.com Hidden Hints: Unlocking Faith & Prayer with Rabbi Jay Yaacov Schwartz (10 minutes)
Nov. 4, 2009
Tom Hamburger and Kim Geiger: Should prayers be covered?
JWisdom.com When God played peacemaker With Rabbi Sroy Levitansky (5 minutes)
Nov. 3, 2009
Martin Peretz: Beware, Barack. Beware, Rahm. Beware, Axelrod
JWisdom.com Are you are closet idolater? With Sara Yoheved Rigler (10 minutes)
Nov. 2, 2009
Paul Greenberg: The Holocaust is now on Facebook
JWisdom.com Abraham's Strange Change With Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer (5 minutes)
Oct. 30, 2009
Rabbi David Aaron: Secret to Immortality
Caroline B. Glick Silencing dissent in America
Oct. 29, 2009
Lini S. Kadaba: Do tactics avert flu or reduce humanity?
JWisdom.com We Must Revamp our Religious Vocabulary With Gavriel Aryeh Sanders ( 10 minutes)
Oct. 28, 2009
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Atheists in Bubbleland
JWisdom.com Why what we wear impacts who we are With Rabbis Mordechai Becher, Menachem Golberger and Aliza Bulow ( 10 minutes)
Oct. 27, 2009
Paul Greenberg: The United Nations Is Outraged Again, Or: Department of Mideast Static
JWisdom.com The Science of Love With Rabbi Jonathan Rietti ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 26, 2009
The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Damaging disclosures with a twist
JWisdom.com Wisdom and Wonks With Rabbi Eytan Feiner ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 23, 2009
Rabbi David Aaron: Are you ready for the ultimate pleasure?
JWisdom.com Watermark and oneness with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 4 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick Stop using limited powers in a way that expands our enemies' advantages over us
Oct. 22, 2009
Steven Emerson: Terror Cases Share Desire to Kill Americans
JWisdom.com No More More Family Fights --- Really? By Sarah Chana Radcliffe ( 5 minutes)
Oct. 21, 2009
Tonya Alanez: Holocaust denier sues survivor, calling Auschwitz memoir 'vicious lies'
JWisdom.com Meditating Jewishly: A Panacea for Success by Sarah Yoheved Rigler ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 20, 2009
Dennis Prager: Obama and Dalai Lama: Why Israel Worries about U.S. President
JWisdom.com Abraham was not religious By Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer ( 6 minutes)
Oct. 19, 2009
JWisdom.comWhy Good People Do Bad Things By Rabbi Eytan Feiner ( 7 minutes)
Oct. 16, 2009
Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The Perfect Number
JWisdom.com Hearing Voices By Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 5 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick How Turkey was lost
Oct. 15, 2009
Jeff Jacoby: Peace vs. the 'peace process'
JWisdom.com: Former MTV producer and stand-up comedian Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff: Taming a Control Freak (A VERY fast 15 minutes)
Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review May 23, 2009 / 28 Iyar 5769

Home alone

By Greg Crosby


Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | My wife has left me. She packed up, hopped a plane and now I'm all alone. No, she's not getting a divorce; she's just visiting her family back east for 3 weeks. The good news is she'll be coming back to me. But right now I'm home alone and it feels strange. It's been quite a while since the two of us have been separated for any length of time. I'm scared. HELP! HOW DO YOU WORK THIS STUPID WASHING MACHINE??


I'm only kidding. Don't think that I'm a perfect idiot, I'm not. Nobody's perfect. I know how to do stuff without Jane. I've been cooking for myself, for example. This morning for breakfast I made a half of a grapefruit and toast. Last night I cooked myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I can do stuff. I watch television, listen to music, water the plants, read the papers, go to bed, and wake up - all by myself. The truth is, doing these things feels very alien without my wife around. The house seems to take on a different dynamic when you're alone in it.


For instance, I have become aware of noises that I never heard when Jane was here. Little creaks and pops and groans like the house was digesting or something. Maybe the house was trying to talk to me, like "Where did she go? What did you do with her?" Credit me with not taking the bait. I never answered the house's probing questions, not once. What happened to Jane is none of its business. WHY CAN'T I FIND THE STUPID CALL WAITING BUTTON ON THIS PHONE?


The worst part is at night when I go to bed. I get into bed, turn off the light and …that's it. Nothing else. No one to wait for. No one to say "good night, sweet dreams" to. It's very strange and it is the only time in the entire day when I feel lonely. That's when an uncomfortable emptiness settles over the house. Even the house is speechless. Not that I would ever answer it anyway. I told you, I don't talk to houses.


While she's been gone my sister and brother have both had me over for dinners at their homes. It's been very nice being with the family and everything. I think, though, that my brother and sister think I'm helpless without Jane. Isn't that funny? And also they want to make sure that their big brother doesn't get too lonesome and, you know, start to do something crazy like talking to the house. But I'm fine. I'm really okay. HOW DO YOU MAKE THIS STUPID BED WITHOUT WRINKLES?


In just about a week Jane will be home and our lives will get back to normal. The one thing I really won't miss having to do, will be taking take of her African violets. I never knew those flowers needed so much attention. Like taking care of a baby or an animal. Or a baby animal even. Actually this trip was a good break for both of us, I think. It gave her a chance to spend some extended personal time with her side of the family and it gave me a chance to get to know the house a little better. WHERE DOES SHE HIDE THE HAND TOWELS?


Meanwhile, I think I'll cook up something really special for dinner tonight. Grapenuts cereal with sliced bananas sounds good. No, wait. I had that two nights ago. Okay, tonight I'll prepare a delicious bowl of popcorn. I can always wash that down with an Eskimo Pie and some Cheez-Its later on. I like to keep my meals balanced.


Frankly, I can't wait for Jane to get back. For one thing, it will nice to have someone around here to answer my questions, because this stupid house hasn't been any help at all. And if it continues to ignore me like this, I swear I'll stop speaking to it entirely. WILL YOU PLEASE STOP MAKING THOSE NOISES!

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.


JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. A freelance writer in Southern California, you may contact him by clicking here.

Greg Crosby Archives

© 2008, Greg Crosby

Insight (Our Columnists)

 Arnold Ahlert
 Mitch Albom
 Michael Barone
  Dave Barry
 Tony Blankley
 Andy Borowitz
 David Broder
 Stratfor Briefing
 Mona Charen
 Linda Chavez
 Ann Coulter
 Greg Crosby
 Larry Elder
 Suzanne Fields
 John Fund
 Frank J. Gaffney
 Lloyd Garver
 Jonah Goldberg
 Julia Gorin
 Jonathan Gurwitz
 Paul Greenberg
 Lewis Grossberger
 Victor Davis Hanson
 Betsy Hart
 Nat Hentoff
 David Horowitz
 Laura Ingraham
 Cheri Jacobus
Jeff Jacoby
 Paul Johnson
 Jack Kelly
 Ed Koch
 Ch. Krauthammer
 Michael Ledeen
 John Leo
 David Limbaugh
 Kathryn Lopez
 Rich Lowry
 Michelle Malkin
 Jackie Mason
 Dick Morris
 Bill O'Reilly
 Jim Mullen
 Clarence Page
 Kathleen Parker
 Dennis Prager
 Wesley Pruden
 Tom Purcell
 Jonathan Rauch
 Celia Rivenbark
 Robert Robb
 Cokie & Steve Roberts
 Pat Sajak
 Debra J. Saunders
 Culture Shlock
 Roger Simon
 Michael Smerconish
 Thomas Sowell
 Mark Steyn
 John Stossel
 Cal Thomas
 Bob Tyrrell
 Diana West
 Dave Weinbaum
 George Will
 Walter Williams
 Byron York
 Mort Zuckerman

'Toons
 Robert Arial
 Chuck Asay
 Baloo
 Chip Bok
 Dry Bones
  Lisa Benson
 John Branch
 Gary Brookins
 John Cole
 J. D. Crowe
 John Deering
 Brian Duffy
 Everything's Relative
 Mallard Fillmore
 Jake Fuller
 Bob Gorrel
 Joe Heller
 David Hitch
 Jerry Holber
 Steve Kelley
 Jeff Koterba
 Dick Locher
 Chan Lowe
 Ranan R. Lurie
 Jimmy Margulies
 Rick McKee
 Michael Ramirez
 Kevin Siers
 Jeff Stahler
 Ed Stein
 Danna Summers
 John Trever
 Gary Varvel
 Kirk Walters

Lifestyles
 How 2
 Lori Borgman
 The Savvy Consumer
 Elder matters
 Fixit
 Dr. Peter Gott
 GET A JOB! by Marty Nemko
 Richard Lederer
 Tech Maven
 Every Monday Matters
 Nutrition Myths
 Bookmark These
 Bruce Williams
 How Stuff Works