Things That Should Disappear From the Face of the Earth

Let's get a few things straight. Not everything in the world is worth keeping.

I would hope that we could all agree that there are some things in life that the world would be better off without. Disease, terrorism, and cauliflower are three obvious examples. There are many more, of course. This might be a good time to explore some others, don't you think?

Number One on my list of things that should disappear from the face of the Earth is the following: "Idiots in Expensive Black Cars." Or to put it in legal terms, "Accused Idiots in Allegedly Expensive Black Cars."

Your Honor and members of the jury, I submit that these imbeciles should not only disappear from the face of the Earth, but I propose they be banished from the entire universe by sending their atoms hurling through the galaxy at hyper-speed velocity until they burn into dust for all eternity. How's that?

If you don't understand what I'm getting at you obviously haven't been in an automobile driving through the streets of southern California in the past few years. Here's how it works. You are tooling along minding your own business, obeying all the traffic rules of the road, maybe listening to Frank Sinatra on Sirius Radio, when suddenly some moron in a black BMW or Mercedes shoots up on you from behind.

The car is always a really expensive model (in the 68,000 to 100,000 grand range) usually black, has dark tinted windows, fancy high-end rims, and is driven by a swarthy twenty-something man sitting low in his seat and who is probably texting on his iPhone. The car weaves in and out between cars, accelerating and slowing for no apparent reasons, zigging and zagging, riding the bumpers of cars he comes up on until he can whip out into the other lane and zoom ahead.

Just so you know, I have nothing against twenty-something swarthy men. Nothing against expensive black cars. Nothing against iPhones. Individually there's nothing wrong with any of them. It's only when they're brought all together that the problems begin. Putting those ingredients together is a dangerous recipe. How do you make an idiot driver? Take one stupid 24 year-old spoiled rich kid, buy him an $87,000 BMW, add a $900 iPhone, stir in lots of free time with no responsibility, and flavor with an unlimited debit card. Voila! You've just cooked up an idiot driver.

So what else should disappear from the face of the Earth? The Clintons. That's right, I said the Clintons. I'm sick and tired of Bill and Hill. I can't stand the attitude of entitlement and condescension they project. When it comes to crooked politicians, they look like they're straight out of Central Casting.

Actually of the two of them, Hillary is probably the most vicious and scary. She is definitely going to be the Democrat candidate for president in 2016 so be afraid. Be very afraid.

I can make a list of things that should disappear from the face of the Earth with just Hillary alone. Let's begin with Hillary's laughter. I don't know if the laugh is fake or what, but it is definitely annoying. What makes it so bad are two things; it's loud and it's a cackle. A chuckle is nice. A giggle is cute. A titter is demure. A chortle is gleeful. But a loud cackle is just witchlike Đan irritating spooky sound that you might hear emanating somewhere high in the sky after your friend the Scarecrow is set on fire.

And then we've got the pantsuit deal. I could say that she has more pantsuits than Bill has bimbos but I don't think that's true. There's not enough polyester in the world.

Hillary is not nearly as good a campaigner as her husband but you can tell she is trying to emulate his style. She has studied him. She does that little tightening of the lip thing that he does after a sentence. She tries to project the simple ol' country cousin thing that Bill sells, but she can't pull it off.

My favorite thing that they both do, (he first and now she is doing it every time) is when she takes the stage and the audience starts to applaud, she walks over to the podium, she looks out into the audience, makes eye contact with someone in the front row, points to them with her arm straight out and smiles with her eyes open as wide as they can be as if to say, "Hey, I didn't know YOU"D be here! Wow! I'm really glad to see you!" It's phony and studied but it is pure Clinton.

Idiot drivers and the Clintons. I can hope, but I don't think either of these is going away anytime soon.

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JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. He's also a Southern California-based freelance writer.