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December 2, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review December 11, 2013 /8 Teves, 5774

My Colonoscopy: Boldly Going Where No Man Has Gone Before

By Ron Hart




JewishWorldReview.com | Like Obama, I got my colonoscopy when I turned 50. Unlike Obama's results, my doctor did not find reporters from the NY Times, CBS, ABC and NBC up there.

The President got his done as a "virtual colonoscopy" at Walter Reed Hospital, where they simulated a full colon exam without actually doing one. It was the same way the media simulated examining The Affordable Care Act when it passed in 2010.

"Proctologist" is a word a man never likes to hear, along with a few others like "testicular," "ingrown," "listen," "ask for directions," and "let's cuddle." But a colonoscopy was something I knew had to do, and you should, too.

My procedure went well, but now I know how those sock puppets in the media feel. For MSNBC's Chris Matthews' sake, I hope Jay Carney has small hands.

I don't listen to instructions well, so I really didn't know what to expect. I felt like it would be best to treat it like French marriage: asking a lot of questions might take the fun out of it.

First, you have to stop eating the day before and drink a particularly obnoxious concoction called "MoviPrep."

This stuff tastes like tinsel from your Christmas tree ground up into creek water coming from near a phosphate plant. I think you have to drink it so you cannot take a plane out of town; you would not get through a TSA metal detector.

In about 30 minutes you understand what the "Mov" part of "MoviPrep"' means. You run to your potty, and you and the toilet make like a jet ski for the next hour. It is like that scene from "Dumb and Dumber," the movie done back when Jim Carrey was funny.



If Obama would just allow it, they should give "MoviPrep" to captured al-Qaeda fighters. After taking it, everything comes out. It is like a divorcee after three vodkas at a Houston bar.

Then a loved one (or someone just looking for entertainment) drives you to the procedure. You meet with the anesthesiologist who, by American Medical Association rules, has to be foreign, unintelligible, and socially awkward. You then impart critical personal information to this person who is going to take you as near to death as you have yet come. Mine asked if I had any mental illness in the family; I said I have an uncle who worked in the Carter administration.

More mistakes have been made combining a doctor with minimal English language skills and anesthesia than anything in the history of mankind---except maybe bourbon and a pistol.

Everyone asks you about 10 times if you are allergic to anything. My answer remained consistent: Pilates and weak-willed men.

Then you are rolled into a room and an IV is placed in your arm in preparation for putting you into a mini-sleep or, as Michael Jackson called it, "afternoon nap time." I woke up about an hour later thinking I was being interrogated by terrorists, but it was just the anesthesiologist asking me questions again.

Once you can stand up, you are released to go home. It's the same criterion my local bartender uses. I saw a Candy Striper on the way out of the procedure room and really hoped it was not Richard Simmons.

You feel a bit groggy and you have an eerie feeling that you may have fallen asleep at Elton John's Oscar party. Not that I ever have - again. You are told you cannot drive that day or (my favorite) "operate heavy machinery." This conveniently fits my lifelong rule: Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery - EVER. I actually call my assistant into my office to operate my stapler.

I hope this answers your questions about getting a colonoscopy. And to you liberal bloggers out there, the answer is "no." My doctor did not find my head up there.

I do not have to have another one for 10 years. So, with ObamaCare kicking in, I am going to immediately fill out the necessary 80 pages of federal paperwork and apply to the Colonoscopy Czar of the Amalgamated Service Workers Union Local 1984 for my next one in 2022.

Get a colonoscopy before the ObamaCare train wreck begins! We will have higher deductibles, men will have to pay for gynecological coverage and women will have to pay for prostate exams. It seems the only person who will really benefit from ObamaCare is Cher's child, Chas Bono.


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JWR contributor Ron Hart grew up in Tennessee and began writing a column for his hometown paper in 2002. He attended The University of Memphis and the Institute for Political and Economic Systems at Georgetown University. Ron graduated Magna Cum Laude and was elected student government president. Upon getting his MBA, he went to work for Goldman Sachs. He was appointed to the Tennessee Board of Regents by then Governor Lamar Alexander and is now a private investor. He appears on CNN and has been quoted in numerous publications including the Wall Street Journal.

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© 2013 Ron Hart

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