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Jewish World Review December 14, 2012/ 1 Teves, 5773 Living the Pottery Barn life . . . in her mind By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT) Lately I’ve become obsessed with making my living room look like the ones in Pottery Barn. Or rather the HomeGoods, Tuesday Morning, Target version of Pottery Barn because, let’s face it, I ain’t paying $50 for a pillow COVER. You have to buy your own pillow insert in the PB world, which is goofy since you can get the whole thing put together everywhere else on Earth. I realized things might be getting out of control when I compiled a “look book” of pictures ripped from the roughly 4,067 Pottery Barn catalog that come to me in the course of a fortnight. (OK, I don’t know what that is either, but it sounds like something you’d say if you actually owned a nail-studded velvet sofa from you-know-where.) I find it oddly comforting to clip pictures of favorite table settings and candle configurations and stash them in my album. Duh Hubby just finds it odd. Correct conversational candle height is all that separates us from the savages, I tell him, but he doesn’t understand. I find myself irrationally jealous of the PB families whose faces are never shown in the catalog but whose full lives require heavy molding-trimmed blackboard organizers with festively chalked reminders such as “Don’t forget passport!” or “Harvest Ball tonight!” or “Regatta with Leslie & Paul!” They lead such glamorous lives, these imaginary families. Just once I’d like to see a chalkboard in the PB catalog with a barely legible reminder to “DVR ‘The Bachelor’ ” or, better still, a grocery list without “Brie, artichokes, fennel …” but rather “Mushroom soup, tots, lice shampoo.” Duh, as you’ve probably guessed, has no interest whatsoever in home decorating. True story. We recently visited an old college friend of his who had gotten a divorce. In the living room of his bachelor “pad” were two items: a director’s chair, circa 1982, and the cardboard box his big-screen TV had come in that functioned as dining table, coffee table and ottoman. “Wow, it’s tough having to buy new stuff when you split up, isn’t it?” I asked college buddy. He looked at me and shook his head. “What? I’ve been divorced for nine years.” “At least this house has great bones,” I said, mentally picturing the fabulous weathered wood triptych of a vintage airplane from PB over his new tufted Chesterfield couch, also from PB. “Huh?” he said. I get it. Duh also doesn’t understand oversized clock faces that don’t actually tell time or the charming topiary in whimsical pots to flank the mantel and collect really high-quality dust. One day, Duh arrived home to discover a bowl had been filled with wicker balls of varying sizes and colors. “What do they do?” he asked, picking one up and eyeing it curiously. “They don’t DO anything,” I huffed. “They just ARE. And put that down! It took me 45 minutes to get them arranged like the catalog picture.” Yeah, that’s not crazy. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Celia Rivenbark is the New York Times bestselling author of 'You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl'. Banking on celebrity fame, shame . . . and cover-worthiness When your email provider belies your, ahem, age Bringing Anarchy home Betting on a celebrity calamity Undergarments on parade All the news that's fit . . . for the toilet Nutty? Or just too much Nutella? Have a seat . . . if you dare Motherhood, Hollywood style Parents, kids don't want you at games Parents, kids don't want you at games It was fine . . . until they called it 'pink slime' She'll miss Walmart's 'aggressive hospitality' Pageant mom wastes dollars, lacks sense When counter intuitiveness fails Dear older folks: Think before you ink They let their thumbs do the walking . . . to the wrong phone Congressional plans lacking horse sense She's Forever Lazy, so butt out It was famous while it lasted: Celebrities as marital guest stars It's all about the ‘Sass-poles’ Mothers and daughters and books, oh my Her Klout starts with a ‘k’ She's naming names . . . Smurf style Copying her daughter? That's so Lohan! A few swift kicks in the seat Buy my %*&^ing book! Shellacked in a foreign language College degree can be had in 3 days She'll take names, and then call them losers I beg of you, spare the ‘Children’ Release the hoards Brace yourself for a luxurious smile, and a big bill Speaking her mind by pushing his buttons She'll have another shot of mugs Polygamy may only get one season A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching Not cancer, still a big fat pain A text is worth 1,000 words Ready for some laughs again Now men don't have to work out either Hormones rule home of Princess and mom Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps Science fair spurs on hyper parents Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines Nightmare in the mall's dead zone America: Cut out the need to be cute Taking a page from a ‘Mad’ mother She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer Florida can keep its snakes She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess Southern fish experiencing identity crises Monkey baby big business for the small-minded All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin Thunder thighs finally get revenge Where would I be without the digested read? Butter buds: Julia and Celia Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy Ch-ch-ch-changes Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I? Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends Big family, big ratings, big mess Fred Mertz for vice president Women and tools are like grease, water Runners are a different breed of folk altogether Don't get all bento out of shape For you, Princess? I'll buy junk Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check Reality show amuses yet repels viewer Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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