Jewish World Review December 20, 2012 / 6 Teves, 5773
Mark Your Calendars
By A. Barton Hinkle
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Organizers Launch 'Giving Tuesday' to Help Charities
The Washington Post
Black Friday The Friday following Thanksgiving. The biggest shopping day of the year, which retailers hope will put them "in the black."
Cyber Monday The Monday following Black Friday, when e-tailers offer steep discounts in imitation of the Black Friday practice among bricks-and-mortar stores.
Gray Thursday Thanksgiving Day, when some retailers try to get a jump on Black Friday.
Giving Tuesday An attempt by charitable organizations to boost donations during the holiday season by claiming their own unofficial day of the week.
Worried Wednesday - The day following Gray Thursday, Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and Giving Tuesday, when banks and credit unions send out overdraft notices and credit-card bills.
Purple Sunday The day when shoppers go back to the stores and line up at the customer-service counters in a futile attempt to return merchandise they bought on Black Friday because they just saw the items advertised for less somewhere else.
Red Saturday The day when consumers try to find boxes that will fit over gifts enclosed in oddly shaped packaging, which cannot be wrapped by themselves because the paper keeps tearing on the sharp edges of the clamshell plastic.
Blue Tuesday The second Tuesday in December, when you hear "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" for the 347th time and think maybe you should just sit in the garage with the engine running.
Olive Tuesday Evening Same day, a little later, when you decide to have two or three stiff martinis instead. Maybe four.
Oy Vey! Day Dec. 12 the anniversary of the day you had a small holiday get-together at which your Uncle Ron, having been introduced to your neighbor Marty Aronowitz, immediately started trying to prove he's not anti-Semitic by going on about how much he admires the Jews, especially how good they are with money and that Jackie Mason guy too, he's hilarious.
Pretend-to-Have-Something-in-Your-Eye 9:55 p.m. Dec. 17 The moment you choke up at the end of "It's a Wonderful Life" even though you've seen it more times than your own reflection, and besides you only turned it on in the first place to watch Nick the Bartender say, "Out you two pixies go through the door, or out the window!"
Baby-Diarrhea-Green Third Full Week in December The dread-filled period leading up to the office Christmas party.
Barking Night The night the neighbors illuminate their holiday lawn decorations, causing your dog to stare out the window and bark like a maniac whenever the animatronic reindeer move.
Self-Righteous Saturday The day for smugly resisting the relentless pressure to embrace crass materialism and instead seeking out those socially conscious gifts that nobody actually wants.
Oh-Heck Day Remember the holiday party with your cousins the one you were supposed to bring a $10 gift to, for the Dirty Santa gift exchange? Yeah, didn't think so. It was last night, by the way. Jerk.
Laughing Hysterically (and Not in a Nice Way) Sunday The day for reading the annual Christmas letter from Joel, your old college roommate.
Throwing Things Thursday The traditional day for discovering two-thirds of the Christmas light strings that were working perfectly fine when you took them down last year no longer function, for some inexplicable [expletive] reason, which means you have to drive to the [expletive] store which is going to be a [expletive] madhouse, by the [expletive] way one more [expletive] time which makes it, what, the fourth time this week already? Expletive.
I-Give-Up Day Technically, the night of Dec. 24 after the children have gone to bed, when you take out those presents requiring "some" assembly and attempt to put them together quickly, ha ha ha. Falls on a Monday this year.
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A. Barton Hinkle is Deputy Editor of the Editorial Pages at Richmond Times-Dispatch Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, A. Barton Hinkle